Roll Call 181

LET IT ALL OUT.

It's therapeutic!

I feel amazing and I need to let all my thoughts out.

The top of the page keeps asking me if I've tried BetterHelp. Hahaha I think I would scare them.

My thoughts:

Doubting almost everything these days. Doubting my psychiatrist (both). Doubting my therapy subscriptions. I have three. I waste so much damned money. Now gonna have to pay for an IOP instead of being hospitalized. Doing proofreading work I can't focus on. Doing tutoring work I can't focus on. Gonna get fired. Probably will get fired eventually or soon. Gonna never make a living the way this is going. Listening to rock that reminds me of a ****ing past relationship that never went anywhere. It's cathartic but it hurts big time. I waste so much money. Never gonna be able to provide for myself the amount I waste of money. I am a writer. No writer makes big money. Nobody's gonna read my blog on Monday when I publish it again. It's a "professional" blog. I will never be a professional. Maybe a professional time-waster. I have a LinkedIn page. It's ********. I hate the professional world. It is stupid and wastes time. I wish I could coexist with the world as it is. Google's probably tracking me. They are monitoring my thoughts and posts. They think I'm a threat. I don't know which kind of threat. That's not even true. They actually don't care yet they just care about their bottom line. And that's it. And corporate America - that's all they care about as well. Bottom line or nothing. I don't know guys. I am just ranting now. My thoughts are stupid and silly. I have an assessment with a professional mental health person at 4:00 PM today to see about the IOP. Therefore, I can use my hard earned $ on that. Ugh. Ironic thing is, I don't even work that hard or much. I am just stressed cause of COVID. Man, that is the worst thing. It's like the people around me think my stress is invisible. Cried a ton last night. Was hysterical around my parents. That stinks. I don't like when that happens. I was hysterical. At least they love me.

I've signed up for it on multiple occasions and subsequently quit. I don't know why. Oh well.

That's gotta be real hard to live with to keep inside. I'm glad you let it out. Maybe you can copy this and take it to your assessment?

Spending money on yourself and your health is never a waste! I hate the american healthcare system costing everyone so much money. But you shouldn't feel guilty because you're forced to pay for something like your health.

I've never tried it but I feel my problems are beyond the scope of psychology. Sometimes I don't even know why I talk to my psychologist. If it cost me more out of pocket I wouldn't bother.

My thoughts?

I feel my meds are poison. I'm conflicted in thinking I'm sick, and perfectly fine and hyper aware. I worry what my doctor will say. I don't trust to say anything to my family. I'm a rock and hate showing if I'm unwell or perceived as unwell. I feel people at work hate me. I feel my RL friends are sick of me and my ****. I feel I can't focus on my coursework that I should be doing and dreaming of the coursework I start in May instead. I want to learn everything but also feel I can't focus. I google things randomly that don't make sense, even when I should be working or studying. My work performance has been slacking but no one has noticed yet. I need to focus. I want to make lots of money and I need to focus to do that. I'm scared they're going to find out I'm not well and punish me for it, even though I know rationally I should be protected from that. I feel confused about many aspects of myself including gender and sexuality. It's in the background those thoughts because I don't have time because I'm also hyperfocused on these thoughts I have. I feel the world doesn't exist outside of my mind, but also at the same time there's another dimension in the mirrors. Pharmacy is trying to poison me. I'm being watched because I'm going to overthrow god. I'm not religious but I keep thinking these things. I feel chatty but also socially anxious. I deleted all my dating apps and stopped talking to some people, but also can't shut up talking on here, or with my RL friends on Snapchat and Teams during work hours. All in all, I feel exhausted but also amazing.

Yeah, I printed it and I will read it at the assessment.

My birthday is coming up. April 4. I'll be 34

Also (some eating disorder talk)

Happy early birthday! In case I forget. I can't remember birthdays for ****.

I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately. I've been showering once a week, and some days I forget to brush my teeth. Gross, I know. I keep worrying that my teeth are all going to fll out.

Put the shelf up

Nice job!

Sorry if I overwhelmed you guys with all my posting.

Same....

You're not overwhelming. I'm just not sure what to say lol post away!

Hahaha no worries.

How have you been doing?

I'm listening... just letting you rant. Sometimes all you can do is let the person rant. Not really looking for advice.

I feel I just have to get this all out. I feel pressured to chat. So many thoughts so many things.

I worry that if I talked to my mom about all this she'll take me to the hospital.

I don't think I need the hospital. Such a waste of time.

I've been ok thanks. Just about to order some food.

What kind of food? I had a vegan burger and sweet potato fries last night.

Unless you are a danger to you or others you don't really need the hospital. I can't say if you need it or not because I am not a professional. You have a therapist? Maybe thats what you need.

I'm thinking pizza

True true true. I just feel out there and people automatically think 'psychotic? HOSPITAL!' I feel my mom would do that. Watch me like a hawk.

I talk to my doctor on Monday and my therapist on... April 14th. We're not on like texting terms or anything. Sometimes I wonder why I still see her. Maybe I don't need her. Idk idk.

I wish I could talk to my doctor right now. Rant to him save you guys the trouble.