Roll Call 181

I’m feeling better. Still up and feeling a little paranoid that people don’t like me. You guys I know are cool. Mostly thinking about people I work with. I don’t think they like me.

I will slap them *****s..

Awww love you!

I'm getting my hair cut at 4 PM. I can't wait. I washed it last night so it wouldn't be gross. Less than 2 hours to go.

I haven't gotten my hair cut in like four years....

But that's on purpose I've been purposely growing my hair out. It's down past my tailbone now.

Wow that's pretty long. Mine is about 7 inches past my shoulders but I want to cut it to about shoulder length with some layers. Or maybe an inverted bob. I was growing my hair out but it's too hard to take care of. This will be easier for me. My mom trimmed my hair once during the pandemic but I'd guess it's been a year and a half probably, maybe longer since I got my hair cut.

Oh yeah it can be hard. Sometimes I just want to chop it all off hahah. Mostly I keep my hair up in a bun, ponytail, or braid and it keeps it out of my way.

I haven't really been showering much lately so it's good that I keep it up out of the way.

Doing better. Seeking the best care for my mental health. Decided this new psychiatrist (nurse practitioner) wasn't up to par. It's back to the MD then. That is for sure. I have decided.

Anyway, everything's fine. I decided to buy a PC instead of a Mac this time around, haha. I guess that's an interesting datum.

Also does anyone feel like everyone is AWOL these days? I don't mean it in the military sense. I just mean that (and I'm not referring to people on the forum) people are not responding to emails, etc. and it's extremely frustrating.

It's like I have to make a tremendous racket to be heard. Ha.

I haven't noticed people AWOL at work, that's for sure hahaha. But I have noticed the ****ing psychiatrist taking their sweet *** time calling me...

Oh I get that. I had to bully my doctor to be put on lithium. I mean, I feel like I was bullying him. He says I wasn't and that I was advocating for myself.

I feel weird. Like I knooooow things. I feel special. Aware. Hyperfocused. But I don't know what on. Like I feel my thoughts are being blocked. Maybe stolen. It's so dumb.

The meds must be blocking them. Damn meds. They aren't really working anyway what's the point.

Need.. to lie.. down..

Don't have Dexedrines yet cuz psychiatrist said it would take a while cuz it's a "triplicate" - So other doctors have to sign off on it.

Yeah I feel like I bully everyone (I don't).

Hopefully the MD will not be angry that I got a second opinion. That's the only thing I'm nervous about. Can MD's be like: "I won't work with you anymore?" If so, then what reasons would they have?

My meds are useless. Why bother. They’re blocking my thoughts. I need to hear my thoughts. I’m missing something. Something important.

I've felt that way too. The only way I know out of that state of mind is to just say "NO" to my negative thoughts.

It might help you to get a DBT Skills Manual or something like that to help with your overwhelming emotions. Just a suggestion. I am currently doing a DBT group actually. It has already helped me with avoidance behaviors.

The thing is, when I go off my meds (and I don't know if it's like this for you too), I lose my bearings. It's literally like I've totally lost my mind. I don't know if it's the same for you. With meds, I actually feel somewhat sane and able to function normally. I much prefer the latter.

I think I’m being poisoned by the meds. I don’t trust them anymore. They’re stealing my thoughts I can’t let them.

Well, just know that no one here is judging you on your decision to take/not take the meds.

Why'd I quit my job? I don't understand why I act on these impulses all the time. It's like a never-ending thing. I need to get a better hang on how to get over impulses.

I also feel like reading a ton tonight and I cannot. Just can't bring myself to do it.

I get impulsive too.

Couple times I cut all my hair off impulsively. And other impulsive ****.