Roll Call 186

If you think about it, we are all dumpster fires looking to be hosed down.

Sounds like a processing speed issue......there is treatment for this. So when I got cognitive testing they said my processing speed was like an iq of 90 which doesn’t work well when everyone else has a PhD. I’m not sure what the treatment exactly is but they gave me a psyd and you can’t have Medicaid, which is why I quit.....it’s expensive if you don’t have good insurance but there are treatments for cognitive issues.

Sat outside in the courtyard for half an hour and read

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I can’t wait till my video appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I’m still doing good. This is like the longest stretch I’ve had of stability in years. It’s been like 4 or more months of being stable in terms of my schizoaffective/bipolar disorder. Plus I’m working on getting over my agoraphobia and making progress on that. And I’m excited to tell her about my plans to get into vocational rehabilitation so I can get a part time job. Though I’m sure my therapist probably already told her since they work in the same office and share notes.

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I’m still wearing my mask when I go places. Even places that don’t require them if you’re fully vaccinated (which I am). I just don’t want to catch Covid or any new strain of it that’s going around since it’s getting worse again. I’m just gonna keep doing that until /if it ever gets under control.

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Ugh. My Diagnostic Mammogram and Diagnostic Ultrasound got cancelled for today. (Still taking a half day from work though. I might as well go do something fun!) Now they aren't scheduling until Late October. I really hope this isn't cancer because they are wasting time here. The lady said she was going to see if she could double book me to get me in sooner which is nice but makes me a little worried that it is cancer, or at least they are concerned that it is cancer, or because of my previous dx they want me in sooner. I'm very annoyed.

I'm not sure if my processing speed is bad - I can read really fast. It's just my comprehension which is IQ 90 so I don't absorb information as easily especially when people talk to me or is that the same thing? My analytical IQ was 113 or something. They must have balanced out by now.

Yesterday was just a bad day cuz of the weed and I thought my mom would be back tonight instead of yesterday night. My sister came to visit. I was just alone.. I really do better when I can talk to people and not so isolated.

The stimulant helps greatly but with weed, it does nothing. But I find the weed addictive for some reason =/

My care manager texted me back. She said she can connect me to the vocational rehabilitation program and she has some free time to do it Tuesday after 9am

Sorry SK, I hope it's not cancer

Got off work then deposited last months pay check at the bank. I also got another tax refund which seems a little too much.. Maybe it was a mistake. I don't want to tell my mom cuz she has been keeping my 10k+ and won't give it back. She says she doesn't trust me with too much money and I don't blame her.. Because I was overmedicated with Abilify! ... What a crazy time..

But anyways I won't smoke Sensi Wizard today.. The day hasn't started yet so I'm not sure what I'm gonna do.. I want to be productive but my mind is a spider web of nonsense. I'm gonna try and quit phenibut cold turkey today because it ruins my focus and concentration as well even though it lifts my mood.

It's like.. There's logical, boring, dry thinking and doing of things.. And then there's creative, exciting, abstract.. Idk.. I need balance..

I should look into crypto. I want to make a Monero wallet now after listening to what John Mcafee was saying about crypto.. But it's highly complicated. I made one but I don't think it's secure and keeps disappearing.

I like weed and researching conspiracies.. I'm on a lot of antipsychotic so - Naturally, I need odd thoughts. I do good with them - Just not out of control. I want to ask my psychiatrist to lower the Invega Trinza because it doesn't make sense to be on 525mg ALSO with 10mg of olanzepine every day. Maybe I can lower the olanzepine but I don't want to.

My mom wants to go on a hike after work so we might do that. I should start reading and just chill.. Forcing to wake myself up from work is a good thing for me I guess.. Makes me appreciate TIME etc..

It's a cool rainy day here - I like it! Lately it's just been blue sky but I've had enough of that. Have a good day all =]

Is it due to covid? Or if not why would they cancel?

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I have a mismatch in my reading speed and cognition too...I have to intentionally read slower.

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My sister just went to the ER again....luckily she’s vaccinated this time but her back is basically giving out now that they killed her spinal tumor. She thinks a vertebrae has collapsed.

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Oh gosh

Praying

Why do coworkers always have to bother me? It's the worst part of working for me. It's hell. Why don't they leave me alone.

I can't explain anything. I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's the phenibut or something. I took some now. This isn't ok.

I feel like crap from Klonopin. It’s like I can’t win with this stuff. I can’t go down on it and I can’t take a regular dose because it makes me feel horrible.

It's too much. I can't carry the weight anymore. I could end up in the hospital? Why? Why am I even alive.

My thoughts aren't connected to me. I've dealt with DP/DR too much last year. It was ****ed up. So ****ed up. I can't believe people deal with that.

It's not normal. But it IS normal. That's why I want out. Reality freaks me out.

I'm gonna try posting on a DP/DR group

Sorry I can’t be of more help. I am going through crap right now too…

Did you try an olanzapine?

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I took that + clonazepam. I talked with my mom. I don't know if I feel better but soon it'll be time to sleep. She said to tell my boss to give me less hours.

There's so much more going on in my head but I can't type. No worries.

I'm not very good at lying about my problems. I'm not able to lie.

I am now sedated =/ I feel better ^-;

Tapering from now on not cold turkey.

Keep your hopes up about it. It gets better with time and the right decisions. I'm borderline dependent again so I only take if absolutely necessary. I assume that you're in the similar situation that I was in an hour ago or worse when you're without it.....

<3

The most disturbing thing is how these meds/chems change me so dramatically at such low doses. I only self medicate because I don't fully trust psychiatry. It just takes too damn long to get the meds right and unnecessary suffering.

But it is still evolving slowly so maybe I should ground myself with that..

I was reading a book about schizophrenia and shamanism and thought "Does my doctor think that I acted out my illness?" and I couldn't read it right now. So I watched Better Call Saul and the personalities related to myself and gave me an identity crisis as well being freaked out by reality non symptomatic DP/DR.

I slipped up. I'll work 3 days a week instead of 4.. I hope they don't hate me for that and understand what I'm going through - Because I know that they are just trying to survive as well and I'm too empathetic and want to help out as well.

Used the treadmill for 30 minutes earlier, then did some reps with my 8lb weights and also some squats with my resistance bands. My goal is to exercise 5-6 days a week. I'm also trying to cut back on sugar but I should do it gradually rather than suddenly, because otherwise it will backfire and I'll binge on junk food.

I'm trying to practice ukulele at least 30 minutes at least 3-4 times a week (more, usually). And I need to get back into yoga and studying Italian.

I'm also going to start using my skincare products and sunscreen.

Have some Christmas scented wax melting in my wax warmer, smells really good.