Roll Call 188

Plus I think I have a cold. I have a runny nose and my throat is sore in the mornings but seems better during the day so I think post nasal drip. I just feel tired and achy too. I am getting a Covid test on Saturday to rule that out. I don't think that's it though. My niece was visiting me over the weekend and she had a cold. (She got tested for Covid and was negative.) So I think that is what I have.

I feel quite better now. I drink a strong coffee every morning with 60mg of Vyvanse and it just makes me normal (I think cuz the Dexedrine makes it less effective) - But it still takes a long *** time for me to wake up - Hours. Years without stim..

I got meds refilled and leave to visit family in a week ^-

Never taking kratom again. TOo slEepy.

I'll drink another coffee.

I must find a way to be constantly hypomanic. I've been the opposite for a long enough time that I've got its benefits and don't need to be that way anymore??

Went for a hike.. I did the same hike yesterday as well. Work tomorrow..

I am doing pretty well today. Decided I will give this part-time job a go. It starts next Wednesday. 6:30 AM sharp. That is good. Still waiting on a full-time job to get back to me.

"Playing video games floods the pleasure center of the brain with dopamine,"

hmmm...

"Gaming is really a workout for your mind disguised as fun. Studies have shown that playing video games regularly may increase gray matter in the brain and boost brain connectivity."

I'm still wondering if the abilify injection is what is causing this sleeplessness and agitation

Do it very slowly, like .25 of a mg pill week by week. Good luck!

I mean, decrease by .25 mg every week. Like if you're taking 2 mg per day, take 1.75 instead for a week, then decrease by another .25 the next week, etc.

The nice thing about kpins is that it stays in for a long time. When you decrease your dose, you're still building up the drug. When I went cold turkey in 2013, I was still sedated until maybe the end of 2014.

I was gonna take a KPIN.. So much irritability because I had recurring payments on my visa for months that I didn't know about and it's so hard to get rid of them.. + Waking up early for work, showering and general hygiene, cleaning the litter box, taking out the garbage, charging my watch, making my bed.. All of these things I do every day.. And I have to deal with my thoughts + Putting every item in their places.. It's a way of control or something.. When I have panic attacks, I freak out because I can't put things in their places..

I thought about taking an SSRI again.. Cuz psilocybin just gives me depersonalization/derealization.. Although SSRI's do the same thing..

I wanted to make goals to enhance neuroplasticity/neurogenesis because it's the most important thing based on how my mind was broken and crystalized/depressed without change.

I put on a 10 minute Headspace meditation video. 5 minutes through it, I felt the same and then it got progressively better for the last 5 minutes.

Writing this out is a pain but I have to do it to explain and organize my mind.

I feel so uncomfortable that it's killing me.

I feel better writing this out though.. It's like I'm forcing my mind to do things while thinking about traumatic memories all day. Sometimes I don't even remember the right memories. I have memories about a week ago that I think happened yesterday and ****. It's ****ed.

In therapy today, my individual IOP therapist talked a lot about me needing to trust me that I can handle my emotional needs.

What?!!

I literally have no idea what she is talking about. I know I can handle physical needs that I have like if my car breaks down I am reasonably sure I can deal with that problem. But I have no idea of how to take care of emotional needs. Furthermore I am not sure I am aware what my emotional needs are.

She went on about internal validation verses external validation and how I need more internal validation. So lost. I really have no clue what she is talking about.

I used to do all those things, including shower/wash hair everyday, and never count it as anything I got done. I wish there had been vaping back then. It has been COPD that stole my vitality.

I told my mom about the situation.. I told her that I'm stressed. She said that it would make her stressed if I'm not happy and that I should look forward to the vacation - But the reason I'm stressed is because I'm NOT on the vacation right? When I am, things will be good.. But that hasn't happened yet so... I mean I have to milk whatever stress before and after the vacation. My life isn't the vacation. But it will be.. For a period of time - Which will help when it is over..

I took 0.25mg of clonazepam. Not sure if it did much.. But I'll read..

My mom said that she knows that it's hard for me to do the tasks and was joking about me sitting around all day doing nothing. I said that I want to do meaningful things - She said that the things that I do for her should be meaningful.. But my sister left already and I want to leave too.. But fair enough I guess.

I feel much better. No worries ^-

Is it just me or do most of us with psychosis want to change the world? Idk if that’s what you meant but for me I always had the big dreams, bigger than family but in retrospect I wonder if I was right or not? I mean I haven’t really changed the world so much as had a positive impact on individuals.

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I'm not sure. Very hard question. I'll definitely keep these questions on my mind for a while though!

I want to write a lot. I have a lot to say.. But the phenibut taper is causing me to feel mental pain/psychological agony. I tapered down to 350mg (I feel normal on 500mg).

I should be feeling this way for about a week. If it doesn't go away, I'll ask my psychiatrist for help on what to do about it (He knows that I take phenibut).

I'm not going to rely on it anymore and just use it for social occasions - Because it does really help me. It makes me feel very happy, anxiety free and pro-social.