Roll Call 191

I'm not sure.. I'll have to figure it out. It will come with time. Just the trauma of my bad trip made everything so much worse.

I need to feel connected to the world. I know myself enough that I just re-run the same old stuff, throw it in to swirl and dish out the same thing but in a different way.

It's like a complete disorganization of thoughts, feelings. I'm constantly going through spiritual enlightenment, philosophizing.

I think of the rest of my family and how they think about life - It all went right over my head for the longest time.

Don't mind me just venting slightly lol.. I would like to have IRL friends to do things with - I'm not sure if that's my social self, or just being social. But also, listening to my essential self would be learning everything and then narrowing it down to focus, constantly on the one or few things.

I guess I just need balance - And I'm doing good so far. I'm not being reckless.. and my impulsivity is minimal. I try my best and confident that I can make a few mistakes because I'm just a person.

Wtf I've been starving all day. Like my stomach has been growling most of the day and I've been so damn hungry. I'm on the Wellbutrin/naltrexone (Contrave) combo to stop that problem from the abilify. I don't know why I'm hungry constantly. I think I'm eating enough.

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I'm trying to distract myself from it I've lost 5lbs in the past month from eating healthier ,I don't want to screw that up and gain it back

My stomach feels like a bottomless pit. I'm getting frustrated with abilify, its helped a lot but I'm getting irritated with how difficult it is to lose weight and feel full

I wish I could stop obsessing about my weight but I can't, not until I get to the weight I used to be

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Hiya everyone. I'm doing so-so. Pretty stable. Been learning more on PTSD, im going to try and schedule some EMDR to help process my trauma. I'm not sure Ill be able to though, considering part of it was pharmacological when that SSRI sent me spiraling. Maybe that will help me though since in kind of in a lull with therapy.

Remember when I'd say three things positive after I'd say a slew of negative **** haha. Man, I was so miserable then. Maybe part of it was social media. Definitely that was part of it as I was a habitual line stepper, proppelled by trauma, unconscious of myself. I was so unconscious of my history, of myself, of my circumstance, my environment. I was a ball of chaos haha That wandavision show, her walk of shame at the end, that was basically me as I realized all the chaos I was responsible for. What a mess. What still unsettles me, is, am I conscious now? If I wasn't then, but thought i was, then how do I know now, when I think I am now?! It's cRaZy!

Anyway, I still have some flaws I need to work out, but they're not catastrophic.

I think partly what's been helping me is this spiritual kick I've been on. I'm still on it, but I don't want to post the book I've been currently reading yet until I've finished it. I might reread a chapter because it was so deeply moving and blog it.

Good to read all your posts, guys. I miss you so much = )

The weed strain I smoked was not a good strain

Disorganized schizophrenia.. But I can converse with people well ='/

I just have to get passed the small talk. My mom never wants to talk because she's too tired. That's why I'll see my therapist again.

This morning is flying by thanks to daylight savings….gotta go to work in thirty minutes.

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Vaccine fear of inflammation psoriasis/spots on my skin. I'm going to die.

I took the vaccine and now I'm going to die.

I don't think you are going to die. Most who take the vaccine are just fine. I have had three shots.

I'm very unstable.

I'll tell my therapist about ALL of this stuff.

But I need a 1000 hours or more of explaining to her non stop

It's like I need to fuse my negative self and positive persona. It's because of



and how close I get to that point that makes me think there's everything to lose, nothing to lose

I don't want to be like this.

I thought that in the psych ward, they thought I was attention seeking out of desperation - But I really was having delusions. The line between insight and no insight is can be thin. But I freak out at people.

I separated reality with the vaccine on purpose. I decided to die and go to hell. Now I'm in hell and have to find my way back.

This is all just speculation. What is a real thought anyways. Thoughts aren't real. I'm not real.

Edit: I want to erase my memory. I just need to relax. The fact that I had no awareness of things in the past, it kills me now. It's all real. Every single piece
Edit: No I just need to be calm.

I had a message from someone on reddit that has schizoaffective;

"Hey, I saw your post in Psychonaut. I wanted to let you know I actually had a super similar experience with pretty much everything you posted. I have schizoaffective disorder which is schizophrenia with a mood disorder. I wanted you to know that the similarities are crazy between your story and maybe talk about it if you want. I'm actually in a similar boat. I was to be nihilistic and logical (I'm a junior history major and I'm returning soon) but it changed a lot and LSD opened my eyes. I was also hospitalized (prior to that) and have similar conclusions as you. You aren't alone though, it's honestly crazy I ran into your story and I was in some disbelief."

I know a real truth. And it's the most weird thing.

I wish I could have a focused mania.

From 17-20, that's how it was... An unfocused mania. I can't believe what happened. Not many people have done what I've done - In isolation. I dance around, alone, knowing that my imaginations will be real one day.

But I need the Invega and olanzepine. Abilify (30mg+) and 80mg of Prozac + 50 different research chemicals..

If I did all of those research chemicals and they didn't make me scared, and when I'm afraid of the vaccine, that's when I know it's bad. I'm only saying this here because it's a spiritual thing, subjectively and objectively. No one will believe me anyways.

All of my thoughts are good tier, scrambled but channelling from the Gods.

I showed the spots on my skin to a coworker and she said "Psoriasis?" and I said "Guess what it's from?" - "The vaccine??". She told me about supplements to take to reduce inflammation. I told her that I've been searching conspiracy theories since it happened and she said not to call them that.. Because



I give up and say I'll die but she said not to be negative.. Easy to say when she didn't take the vaccine. She has triggered me (Which is the most important thing for you all to realize today).

I will try to live. And the only way to have energy is to find a way to be focused etc. In my next life, it better not be another joke/clown reality.

How do people even do things all of the time? Idk man.

I wonder if I should contact my friend again.. He's a real hippie. he taught me many things in 2020 when my mom was off the rails. I just have problems with connecting to people. All I have is myself.

I think it might be a good idea to contact him.

I said that I would.. once I'm comfortable of the knowledge that I have/will gain to make up for my ignorant past.

But I feel like I'm almost there. I will contact him when it's time. When my personality has more convictions. It will take 1-2 more years, or a few weeks.

The amount of time that I pressure myself to do something, is like manifestation. It's real. I'm not 100% sure how it works, but I like to wonder about it.

I feel better. Just needed to vent.

Edit: I have to WANT to live but it's very difficult.

Sorry if I ruined the mood here

Hugs desoxyn…I just got home from work…I think people were just out and there are so few of us now here.

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paranoid about cameras in the air vents

Hugs falcs. I'm very sure that there's no cameras - don't worry. I've had this feeling before - And I didn't realize how bad it was until I stopped being paranoid about cameras.

Good good.. I know you all don't judge my negative side.. I just need to practice gratitude more.. and other things.

I'm not sure what to say to my therapist tomorrow so I'm just going to go with the flow.

How To Get Your Life Back Into Balance - Centerstone

I'm always thinking that here too.

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I took another gummy tonight. Hopefully it doesn't screw me up for my therapy appointment tomorrow - I am meeting with someone new finally. My old therapist was like, too bossy. Anyway, I am down on Klonopin a bit now for about two weeks. I am at 1.375 mg whereas before I was taking 1.5 mg a day. Therefore that is progress.

I am very encouraged by my lack of necessity to take 1.5 mg of Klonopin every day. That is a major step forward for me.