Roll Call 193

My downstairs neighbor is yelling and stomping and cussing someone out very loudly, he does this every now and then and when he does it goes on for hours. So I don't think I should be worried too much about Stash being too loud.

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I'm thinking of changing my major when I go back to college part-time to something that can be used towards whatever degree you need for a career in a library

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I had a panic attack in 3rd person while waiting for the atenolol and olanzepine to kick in. I took clonazepam and then told my mom about everything. She facetimed my dad and grandmother.

I explained that I was listening to a journalist and that things are too much.. My grandmother understands because she lives her life on Facebook.

I was just wondering, "When will the world, OUR world completely decay and we suffer immensely". Cuz right after the pandemic started, I imagined what it would be like in 2 years... It's been 2 years now, and it's exactly what I expected it to be like.

My mom says "It's always been that way" and that she tries to focus on our own world. I just find that hard because of my empathy - And focusing on the world can be crippling for anyone like us.

She said that she doesn't care about the things I'm saying; the corruption - Cuz we have the technology advanced enough to stop stuff like this from happening - So it has to be done on purpose. But whatever..

I do feel like I'm in a good mood.. But before the olanzepine kicked in, I kept saying "You're fine just do x" or "Why don't you", "You need to" - Instead of "I'm fine...", "I should", "I need to".. It's like talking to myself and not knowing which thought is MINE or someone elses.. It's so ****ed up man. Dealing with mental states like this are so draining.

But everyone is really, really having an extremely difficult time - More than me.. But I also think, INFINITE.. And it's nihilistic because nothing exists in the end, beyond every possible thing that will exist



But I found 2-3 solutions in the form of thoughts that solved the issue. I just forget what they were... I found 10 solutions to solipsism too - It's just solving all of it, one step at a time. It's like.. Love, empathy for example.. To build connection instead of being disconnected - Everyone's so divided.

If it all revolves in a circle, there's a certain point where things connect and also disconnect - So what I experience NOW, is relevant for the future.. To be responsible for the consequences our own actions.. Like stuff said in the bible - All of that.

I just need to vent so much and think myself dry. I'll try and write down the solutions to infinite nihilism when I think of them again...

I'm going to prepare to meditate...

I'm feeling better which is a dramatic change - It's just disinhibition that makes what ever I'm feeling to magnify.

Good morning. Drinking some iced coffee and about to do some laundry. It’s been a peaceful morning. I’m excited for the day. Don’t know why. Just been enjoying life lately.

Going to do some yoga later and some exercises plus take a walk to the store. Get a few things I need.

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Anything works for library because you just need a masters……if you want something easier you could also do an lta.

Nice sunny day. Left work early. Good mood. I might go for a walk/hike with my mom when she gets home.

I feel.. too good. I do however crave alcohol and marijuana for more fun but trying not to consume these things.

I might sit outside with macbook and z fold 3

I feel weird. Unreal. Feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack

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Trying to cut back on sugar. Today was day one with no sugary junk food and I’m craving it like crazy, it sucks

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I know I can do it, it just takes time to build better habits. Have to have patience and put up with the cravings, they’ll go away over time.

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I finally decided to try the Depakote. Pray for me.

I just taper, I haven’t been able to cut completely….

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Did 45 minutes on the treadmill today. Also did some weights exercises. Doing squats w/ resistance bands later and some yoga too.

My sister was gonna come over but she ended up having to wait literally 2 plus hours for an oil change so she got way behind schedule so we’re just gonna hang out some other day.

I posted a video of me playing ukulele on Facebook

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Headed to the grocery store

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On the bus headed home now

Edit: okay, I’m home now. Next up is wash the dishes then get on the treadmill, then walk to the library.

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Did it! 45 minutes on the treadmill done. Now to take a short break. Then do weights and resistance bands. Then around 12pm I’ll walk to the library

I’m starting to get a tiny bit of muscle in my arms just from 5 days of weights. Very happy about that. My arms are usually so flabby and weak, I wanted to make them stronger and trimmer

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Wow, you've been really busy so far today!

I had a pretty good weekend, despite it being my friend's memorial service.

I was not looking forward to coming into work today but once I got here it was better. At least I am not having the crippling anxiety, or at least, not yet!