Roll Call 194

There's a crisis line I sort of email with. It's anonymous, so I like it.

Oh and my interview was pretty good. I gotta see if I want the job, but I am waiting for a call back.

Yeah, if you are in the US you can text 741741 anytime

Awesome. Good to hear!

Oh my gosh. I cannot wait to hear from my therapist. Proof of life? Anything? If she is having some sort of emergency I am going to feel terrible by being disappointed/distraught at her lack of communication since her 4:13 AM text yesterday. But...if she is partying it up in Las Vegas and cannot check her text (I sent one yesterday in response to hers and then one 24 hours later to ask her if she was okay and if everything was alright) then I am going to be steamed.

Do you think she’s trying to set boundaries? I’ve never had a therapists number to text directly just a voice mail or secretary.

Nah. She's been like from the beginning, "text me if you need to." She is very unconventional/random. She sent me a text pic from her last trip to Vegas with her and I assume her daughter? In a fancy bar. She does do therapisty things with text like appointment reminders, but she also does some weird crap like that. That's the second selfie she has sent me. She tells me every session that it is okay to text her and that she feels better if I do if I am struggling. She usually responds same day so that's what is kind of weird. I'm trying to give her grace because I don't know what's up. But texting me at 4:13 AM in the morning to say she is going to Vegas is strange. Either it is an emergency or she is having some sort of need to escape from life for a bit. She asked a question in her last text to me and I answered it but need to know if that is good with her. She has texted me at 1 AM and 11:30 PM and all sorts of weird times. I don't think it is a boundary thing but I am worried about her. I am not over-texting her. I waited the full 24 hours before sending a "are you okay text." It's just making me anxious to not hear from her, which is something I don't like about texting T's. This is the second T I have had that has allowed it. But this is the first time since I have been seeing her (since November) that she didn't respond same day. So makes me worried that something's up.

I see…that’s cool that you guys text hopefully you hear soon.

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I am unfocused and impulsive.

I'm addicted to things. I don't want to be. I'm not sure why I self medicate in the first place.

I was getting a haircut, and my moms boss walked in. He seems to have bad ADHD but is a genius. I didn't want to talk to him cuz I had nothing to say. How can I have anything to say anyways? Is it disorganized schizophrenia? Am I stupid?

It would be cool to be a genius, and talk constantly, be manic as he does.. I was just anxious and too scared to talk to the person cutting my hair. It actually seemed really disturbing. Like people should hate me.

He used to be addicted to things and then stopped CT, focuses his energy on building the company (Millionaire).

I just want to... sabotage my whole life. In school, with family, friends, it was a blow to the mind.. to end up so quiet and introverted. With paranoia/anxiety. Watching every move that I make, everything that I say - In case "SOME AUTHORITY.." strikes me, punishes me - And I'm so damn secretive too.. I sniffed drugs from capsules in the passenger seat of my moms ex's car and he didn't notice.

Feeling that nothing is real for such a long time. It's all true. And what am I supposed to do - When no one understands.

Abilify made me manic - Many years ago, I was addicted to having cyber sex too, spending money on research chemicals, dancing around, overdosing and knocking myself out or staying up for days, not eating, crying, not taking care of myself. Idk even know what my talents are anymore. I ****ed up my life. It's over LOL.

My mom asked me if I'm OK today and I shouted YES.. I've had enough of the nonsense. I'm just too normal to be surrounded by the ****ery that I was in. IT WASN'T A REAL FAMILY. IT'S NOT NORMAL. STOP ASKING ME WHY I'M NOT HAPPY WHEN EVERYTHING IS BROKEN AND DELUDED. IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.

And look what's happening to everyone. People are either on one side or the other, killing each other, arguing. It's like everyone is just apart of my imagination - Like a nonsense reality. I have no grounding, and I don't even want to be. But I'm desperate to be OK - I don't even know what that is. If everyone has flaws and w/e, and people are all different.. Combine them.. And it's just a monkey space rock of delusions.

My sister said she’ll check my account tomorrow to make sure I have enough for the bill I owe the college bookstore. She’s pretty sure I have enough but said if I didn’t she would pay the difference for me. So either way tomorrow I’ll be able to pay it off completely and get the hold taken off my account. Which means I’m ready for registering. I applied for financial aid today so I’m waiting for that to come in. So I will go to the college next week, turn in my registration stuff and class choice then just wait on financial aid so I can get whatever textbook I need for English and pay off my tuition.

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We’re here for you Desoxyn I hope things improve

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Sorry just needed to vent o.-

I am back on 15 mg olanzapine. Hopefully my pdoc agrees that that dosage is the right dosage. I have had so much trouble with impulsivity on lower dosages. And with things not feeling real. And with things getting unstable with my mood. And with other stuff too.

Olanzepine is good. 10mg kicked in and I feel more focused, better ^-

Holy crap I slept till 11am. I’m normally always up for the day by or before 7am. So usually somewhere between 5am and 7am. No clue what happened

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You must have needed the sleep. HUGS Kit

I heard from my therapist. She is alright. We are going to have an appointment on Saturday. Ah. I can relax a bit now knowing she is okay.

Getting a migraine. Ugh. Must be the stress of my pdoc appointment today. I took some anxiety medication. First time I have had to take it in the AM all week--so that's progress.

I don't really know anyone who isn't addicted to something. I had an eating problem. Tons of people are addicted to caffeine.

Taking my niece and nephew to see Minions: Rise of Gru tomorrow with my parents as well. I already saw it....on 4th of July. I gave them the option of Thor or Minions but they chose Minions. One just turned 9 and one is almost 18 so probably a good choice.