Roll Call 195

Hi Angelique,


I'm hanging in there. I was inpatient from 8/2/22 to 8/8/22 and then it has been kind of hard since then. They changed up my medications. Maybe for the better. Maybe for the worse. Who knows. I see my pdoc next week on Wednesday. Telehealth of course!


Having some hallucinations/paranoia/irritation/agitation/delusions. y'know the gamut of Schizoaffective! So it's kind of tough. Work has been stressful too so Life has been a bit hard. But my individual T is seeing me for 2 sessions a week right now and I am still in aftercare so that's good. Trying to not lose support.


How are you doing? Kit

I ended up getting the Columbia winter coat on sale for $70, which was down from an original price of $140, so that was a good deal, plus I got the adidas shoes on sale too at $35 down from $70. So I only spent about $105 total for everything. I edited my order to get the sale versions, it was the same coat but in a slightly different color but a huge price difference. So I don't think I did too bad. Stuff can get expensive fast especially when you're on a budget and have 2 cats to take care of, and Christmas is coming up and I want to get presents for family, of course the cats are my number one priority so I always take care of that first then whatever's left I use towards whatever else I need and try to make it work. I got a lot of litter and food for them so they're set for the month. I have my household essentials. So cool, I have a good quality winter coat that should last a few winters and shoes now that should last me awhile.

i am still alive.


somehow


everything fell apart three years ago. i withdrew from the world completely. i didn't recognize myself anymore. a lot of **** went down. i looked at stuff i wrote in like... late 2019, 2020... it's all incoherent, word salad... and what little i could make sense of ... was floridly psychotic ... i barely remember anything from 2020 though or 2021 because


things got so bad that i needed ect. yes, electroconvulsive therapy. i did i don't remember but i remember it being a lot of rounds of bilateral (electricity goes through both sides of your brain). did it work? yes, in a way meds never worked for me. things have been better for me overall but i basically have zero memory of 2020 and 2021 which is honestly for the best.


i have permanent eps side effects from all the antipsychotics that have been shoved down my throat since i was 14. (i'm 31 now, unbelievable i've made it for this many years... i've had schizophrenia for over half of my life... how am i still here? i guess i'll never know.) i'm taking a new medication for those eps side effects, can't remember the name of it now. sorry.


i realized yesterday though that i'm not as stable as i thought. i never am.


lack of insight is a ***** that i have had to accept along with the schiz itself.


i doubt anyone remembers me. but i wanted to say hello.

How are you feeling today bluebird?

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I wish I could get over my anxiety about swallowing pills, it really makes my life much more difficult than it needs to be

I keep going back and forth on whether I want to go back to school in January or not. I don't handle stress well. And I had to withdraw 3 or 4 times when I was in college due to mental health struggles getting worse from the stress. I can't keep doing that over and over again, I'm already on warning for that. It's not that I can't handle academic subjects or that I don't understand them, it's just that I don't handle the stress well and it makes it almost impossible to focus or get my work done.

Yes, I keep some lemonade handy.

Could you try just taking one class at a time?

I think my teeth look better since getting all this dental work done. They would be better if I had properly taken care of them all my life and if I never went through 7 years of purging but they’re pretty decent now all things considered

Your teeth are gorgeous!

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Okay, just tired, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night. I walked down to CVS and picked up my meds, how are you?

Slightly frustrated the bfs mom is driving me nuts….she’s manipulating everyone.

I keep going back and forth on whether I want to go back to school in January or not. I don't handle stress well. And I had to withdraw 3 or 4 times when I was in college due to mental health struggles getting worse from the stress. I can't keep doing that over and over again, I'm already on warning for that. It's not that I can't handle academic subjects or that I don't understand them, it's just that I don't handle the stress well and it makes it almost impossible to focus or get my work done.

Sorry to hear that, hope things get better

Lately, I've been on a grilled cheese kick. They had them at the inpatient hospital. So I had one like every day and they microwaved them. (They must have made them in the morning or something.) So ever since I realized you can make them ahead of time and microwave them, I've been eating grilled cheese a lot more. Except that it kind of reminds me of the hospital when I do that, but it wasn't too bad staying there for the most part, so it's not like traumatizing to eat the grilled cheese.