Roll Call 195

Does breathing work for you?

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It helps for certain types of panic attacks for me. Not really the ones where I start worrying the police are after me and things of that nature. That feels like someone is coming after me. It's like that feeling you get when you're walking outside at night and feel like someone is following you. It's a bad feeling. I usually put on headphones and listen to a podcast or music because the sound of the sirens in this town due to it being a high crime area makes it worse.

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My thinking has become so negative all the time lately. I really need to work on it. Like as soon as I think something positive/happy, thoughts like "what if you die tonight or tomorrow" not sui, just like randomly die and it scares me and causes anxiety and ruins my happiness in the moment. And I feel like I can't look forward to anything anymore because I'm always worrying about well what if I die before then, what's the point in being happy about something in the future if the future isn't definite , because it's not for anyone.

Just that kind of negative thinking has really been getting me down

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I'm thinking of starting to go back to church. I haven't been in a few years. I think I could get myself to just go one Sunday morning for mass and sit all the way in the back and then it will get easier after that. It's hard for me to go to new places on my own. But I'm gonna try to go soon.

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All stocked up on cat litter for the rest of the month. Walked to the store and bought 2 bags of it. I have some more being delivered too. Plus they're already stocked up on dry food and wet food, and of course treats. So they're all set. Feels good knowing they're taken care of for the rest of the month. So I don't need to worry about buying cat food, litter, or treats, etc until sometime next month. I need to get them a new litterbox but I'll do that in a couple weeks when I go to Walmart to get my haircut

I got myself some coffee and flamin hot cheetos

Oh and there's a new episode of The Rings of Power so I'm gonna watch that

I have pumpkin patch scented wax in my wax warmer, it smells amazing. I'm gonna turn it on later when I relax and watch a show

I'm volunteering on Monday. Just gonna push myself to go again. If it goes horrible I will find something else, but I want to at least give it a chance. I've done 6 hours total so far. 2 hours were a shift I did back in 2018 when I was in college, and the other 4 hours came from the two shifts I did in the past month. I think I can manage two more shifts. So that will bring me to a total of 10 hours of logged volunteer time. I might do more after that, we'll see how it goes. Either way, it will be good for the future that I have volunteer experience, in case I need to put it in a job application. Ideally I'd like to get 20 hours done by the end of October then take a break for the holidays and to focus on preparing to go back to college in January.

Happy mania everyone.

My psychiatrist appointment went well. I'll continue... Living (For now..)

Invega Trinza is 8 weeks now instead of 9.

I need to cut back on my scrolling/screen time/social media time. But it’s hard. I’m constantly checking and rechecking email, Facebook, etc. like a hundred times a day. I think I’m gonna try to make a rule where I have to draw for at least 15-20 minutes and have to go outside for 10 minutes before I can use social media each day. To get myself in the habit of drawing more, and getting outside.

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My apartment housing care manager is leaving, today was her last day. They don’t have a replacement yet, just temporary people. She said not to force myself to volunteer there if I’m not ready but I feel like I have to because if I don’t I’ll never be ready, and I’ll continue to never be ready for anything until the day I die and I don’t want to live like that.

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Like in 2017-2018 I was going to college IN PERSON which is amazing to think of now, I was also going to RCIA classes at my church and I was going to all the church events and also to mass every Sunday. At some point I stopped and the longer I stopped the harder it became to get back into things. Then the pandemic happens and I didn’t leave the house hardly at all from 2020 to the beginning of 2022. Like not even to go outside and sit on a bench and get fresh air.

So I’ve been working on dealing with that over the past 6 months.

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Proud of you Blue_Bird

Thanks SK, I hope you’re doing okay

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I used to be on invega Sustenna for many years, it was very helpful. Hopefully your dosing change helps

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We are anxious, deep thought. Prophets.

I’m thinking of getting Tragus piercings on both ears next June and a conch piercing on my right ear after that. I also need to get my tattoos touched up at some point.

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Did something good today. Well it was partly because of tax reasons but I also wanted to donate to places to do good.

I donated $100 to local mood disorders association, $100 to Canadian schizophrenia association, $100 to cancer society of Canada, and $30 to help out local homeless shelter to provide thanksgiving dinners this year.

I needed some donations on my list for my taxes this coming tax season, so I went with somethings close to my heart. They don’t have anything for schizoaffective that I could find so I went half and half. And cancer society partly because my grandpa died of cancer years ago and partly because I had that lymphoma scare earlier this year.

Also I bought new slippers. Last pair I bought 10 years ago and they’re falling apart. I bought the same brand but the direct manufacturer doesn’t ship to Canada anymore. Luckily Amazon carries the brand so I got from there.

Other than that I’m okay. Had a doctors appointment this week with one doctor who went over my CT results. Everything looks good except my liver is fatty. All my other organs are fine. I’m advised to lose weight which I’m doing.

And the gyno doctor was on Friday I was so uncomfortable but the doctor made me laugh with some gyno jokes and then I couldn’t stop laughing out of nervousness. But it went okay.

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A perfect day today... Mood is good. Mania for me = Normal state.. cuz of unipolar depression.. But only drug/med induced bipolar (Obviously).

And unipolar mania? Have you guys ever heard of that? I met someone in the psych ward and he said that he was "Manic for 30 years" - And I believed him.. It seemed obvious.

It's real D=

Hyperthymic Temperament

"Usually their sunny temperament itself doesn’t require treatment and may, in fact, foster excellent productivity and creativity during much of their lifespan."

Ok cool so my mom has this.

Random book generator - GeneratorMix

I really have been having impulses to buy guitars lately. I keep "surfing" the urges though.

Was really upset after I got on the scale today




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Ask yourself whether you’d rather be happy or thin because with this illness you cannot be both.

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I would rather be happy, my eating disorder side would rather be thin at all costs (which is stupid but it’s the truth).but my true self would rather be happy. So I’ll just try to focus on being happy. I can’t stop my meds. Im doing well on them.

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That’s good that you’re urge surfing. It can be helpful especially even though it’s not easy to do.

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