Roll Call 196

My girls are safe at home though

I can't stop thinking about what the sociopath said to me for 10 minutes on a Zoom-like chat, years ago.

I took 500mg of phenibut and a lot of other things. Maybe then I'll be happy.

I just Googled "How to love myself" and a point was to "Compare to who you were yesterday" - I said this to that person on the video chat and he said "Live and die for something", like the sociopath soldiers I talked to for 3 hours straight, a year before. They shouldn't have been in the army.

Idk if anyone should be in the army. I hate soldiers (No offence to them). But my experience justified that.

Everything I say is dismissed.. Even by my doctor. Like I faked my mental illness cuz of hypochondriasis and being on the internet too much (I didn't even have internet in 2012 - All I did was listen to music) - And it started when I was 12, after my parents split. Now, I go to Mexico with my family and have the best time.

My dad wore live ammunition around his chest and was drunk, got kicked off the plane (After the last family vacation) - My mom had enough, and cheated on him. I couldn't understand what love is when it's just so reckless and stupid. I wasn't stupid back then..

I need to write more.. I'll do it now - However long I procrastinate. It was the perfect time to tell my dad, help him with his problems/loneliness etc.. He'd be drunk and so would my mom...

I have a lot of problems to solve and I'm just always explaining into a void. Why did that AvPD friend say all of those things.. write walls of text, and yet judges people, society - So much smarter than me.. Had more time to build personality/knowledge than me - And I explain that. Why did he want to have sex with a 19 year old - 19 isn't a kid but basically.. Why would someone prey on another that is so immature?

I was extremely immature.. 20 years old, did so many research chemicals, something novel.. And the psychedelics from the book I read (PiHKAL), the novel chemicals, I told people.. the old man (50 something), and then he wanted sex with me. Why. It makes me think twice about ever trusting anyone.

It was a variant of a sick twisted love story that he wanted. Alexander Shulgin made that story "A chemical love story" - It's supposed to not be like a twisted copy. I want to be my own person. It's ****ed up. I'm done with it all.

I researched his criminal background and he stole guns and ammunition, 80k. He died 3 months later. I wished death upon him. I tripped the next day - Even more disturbing things happened to me before that.

I'm too sensitive for this sick world.

I'm at my grandmothers house right now.. She loves me.. She beat my mom to the point of unconsciousness - But love for grandkids is to make up for it.

I knew my mom was cheating, but I said "Nana and Grandad wouldn't approve. So she'd never do that" - But she did. In the most ridiculous way. And then her narcissist ex, manipulated me so much that my mind turned into shattered glass, grinding in a garbage bin - Yet I still tried. I still obeyed.

But now I'll obey no one. Not even a rehab, no information, no meds, no psychiatrists. No government. No authority. I think properly. Like people don't.

I've been twisted and broken up, stepped on - And I still kept going. I continued to do what I thought was good for survival.

And my Nana.. she says that I'm the only grandkid that can stay in her house for as long as I want...

My other grandmother, killed my grandfather.. let him die on the floor - And then called 911. My dad gave her so much money, manipulated as well. I'm sick of being manipulated, giving and doing what I think is right = people just want things from me.

Have you ever discussed ptsd regarding these events?

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I tell people all of the time.. There's not much that people don't know about me - Cuz of the OCD symptoms and paThoLoGicAL HonEsTy. I told my therapist and I think I might have freaked her out lol...

But no worries, it's ok.. Just the internet is a lonely/negative place.. When I talk in real life, I find it hard to speak..

I'm my own worst enemy I guess. People have been through things.. But it seems like I interpreted everything in such a real way.

And I heard on a podcasts, "Smart kid gets picked on by classmates, shoots the place up" - I'd never do that.. I don't have an ideology or hate for anyone... I just felt like things were so unfair... Life is confusing for 99% of people.

My mind, it was good.. It broke though. I had potential, and people just label me "autistic", "gay", "lazy" "kill yourself", etc - Even some psychiatrists did severe malpractice. My mom could have sued the hospitals for leaving me with meds where I swallowed all of them.. Or other patients smuggling drugs into the hospital and giving them to me (Right after I was diagnosed with schiz).

The isolation was worse than being in solitary confinement cuz I was also tortured... But !! lol.. It's ok.. I just need to vent sometimes. I'm not a disturbed monster.. I am harmless, nice, kind, compassionate, empathetic..

I just need an outlet and organize every thought.. (80% would be good)... Phenibut, good mood lift.. I want things to make sense..

Not like the philosophy forum transgender person... Sociopath, narcissist.. I was raised by those people. Neglected too. If I don't speak or explain, my mind will rot.. I don't want it to be like this - But if I don't make sense of it, I won't be functional - My neurons would mix up and I'd become way too incoherent.

I think you're incredibly honest and your posts inspire me/and are uplifting.

So I wrote about the vacation (In the gratitude section of my notes), it's all good.. Just needed to vent first. I'm very happy about the vacation..

It's a dream come true. I feel stronger and with less stress. I have a good life anyways.. Most people would die for it.

I just need to figure out what to do now - My mind is okay...

Last night, I had the most intense hypnopompic auditory hallucinations I've ever had. Lasted a few minutes. Interesting.

I've been doing really well, the med increase from a couple months ago has helped a lot.

It's been snowing all day and I've been listening to a lot of Christmas music

The cats scratching post was delivered to my sister (didn't want the package to get stolen or lost here, and didn't feel like waiting around to give them access to the building) she's gonna drop it off next weekend.

Have an inspection tomorrow

Baking two egg custard pies on Friday, I'm going to give one of them to my sister

I got some spicy Italian turkey sausage and am going to have it with wheat pasta w/ pasta sauce and some texas toast sometime next week

I usually procrastinate waking up for ~2 hours. Because I don't want to do the morning tasks. I even procrastinate taking the Vyvanse.

So I woke up at 12pm. Then feel disappointed - But I'm still motivated and do the things...

You see, if I procrastinate those things every morning, and every morning happens every day, and every day happens every day for life - I'm procrastinating life..

I have trouble showering again too. 3-4 years ago, my dad shamed me for not showering (For 3-4 days) - I felt so shamed... But it worked.. It wouldn't work without also being put on a stimulant again, so your milage may vary.

One good thing Im doing now is - Shower at NIGHT, and I floss my teeth at night (Every second day).. 1.5 days is the longest I go without showering. It works well.

I've come far.. really far. I've accomplished these minor things... being in isolation. It's like my dad - Same thing.. No money, thrown into Spanish speaking countries (Having dyslexia), learned to speak it on his own... Became a consultant of silver/gold mines. Abused by his mom, manipulated by his translator (When he was getting cancer surgery), gave him 1000's of dollars, paid for his rent.

It's like me in the psych ward, giving people hundreds of dollars, buying them coffee, cigarettes, candy, chips.. withdrawing ALL of my money for a crack head. Later, he asked me if I wanted him to pay me back.. I said "No.." and he was like "Thank you so much.." and we were still friends.. I didn't hold a grudge. I feel like it was a real friendship (As sad as that sounds, since I haven't really had any good friend in my life).

My dad, flew from Argentina, cut my nails on a bench outside (When I wasn't taking care of myself, catatonic in some way). I still remember that. I'll never forget what meaningful things that people have done for me.

I posted many more strange posts and then deleted them. I'll just ride with the trauma, be free. It's all I can do.

I miss my dad. He'll visit here soon. Tomorrow, I spend time with my mom and sister - Then we leave for the long car ride (I get dysphoric during those, but it's ok).

Then I go to work, see psychiatrist etc..

I know how bad mental health can get. I pray for you all. I care... Remember that.

Inspection went well today. Was quick

I got the paperwork I needed and turned it in to the office, so I’m signing/renewing my lease today

Have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon.

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I got some big command hooks, the ones I had before weren't large enough to hold my van gogh painting, so I got some of the medium sized ones that can hold 3 lbs. I put two a little spaced out from eachother so it will distribute the weight better. I also put one on my front door because I have a nice Christmas wooden sign I want to hang

Trigger women's health/doctors

So I have an appointment for January 9th.

Got through the first module on Babbel in Spanish (Latin America). I am trying to learn as much as I can before my trip to Peru.

I'm bored today and I don't want to be at work. But I don't want to miss out on pay so I am stuck.

I joined a winter reading challenge for adults that my library is doing. They use the site Beanstack to track your books you read. The goal is to read at least 5 books in the month of January. They do prize drawings at the end of the program. You can win a Lands End Blanket, a gift card to a local establishment, and a book. I signed myself up

Good luck! I’ve been so terrible at reading lately. I get tired after like 5 pages.

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Every book I try to read, I start thinking about myself, the world and trauma. Idk of it's OCD symptoms or what. Self awareness is painful.

Thanks! I normally read a lot (many books a month) The past month or so I’ve had trouble focusing on reading so I’ve rarely been doing it which is very unusual for me, and when I do end up able to focus it’s at night and I end up falling asleep after a couple pages.

I am working on getting my focus back though, I started re-reading a favorite book series in the hopes that it will get me back on a roll with reading (the hobbit and the lord of the rings) sometimes re-reading helps get me out of a reading slump, because it’s usually comforting reading old favorites and gets me back in the practice of focusing for long periods of time

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You know my paperback copy of The Hobbit I got as a Christmas present one year from my mom. It may have been our last Christmas together before she died, or one close to that. Anyway, that is literally the only thing I still have from her. I lost a lot of stuff when moving back to New York. And had to get rid of some stuff because of there only being so much room in the car my brother in law was driving/moving me back here. So it’s the single piece I have that was a gift from her, the only thing. I lost all my cards and other important stuff from her. But I have this paperback copy of the hobbit and it always reminds me of her during the holidays. I remember reading it for the first time when I got it for Christmas. My mom gave me it early so I could enjoy it and have something to do

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Oh yeah my financial aid was processed for the 2023-2024 year so I’ll be all set for when I go back to college in august

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It's a beautiful sunny day here - No rain =] We might go for a walk, and then head back to the Rockies.

I know Mexico was 30C every day for a week - Not a cloud in the sky...

I have to go back.. Or find a way to make money online, and live there. That'd be cool AF. I feel safer in Mexico - Cuz there's no deceiving blanket of false safety - Like the corruption/cartel is more obvious/not hidden and in plain sight. I like that.

I feel safe when it's unsafe but there's truth and no lies. Actual true safety is better but that's now impossible for the rest of this life.

Yknow, I think it's good that I've been listening to a few podcasts every week for 5+ years (Since my bad trip). I forget that it's a big part of my life.. and it's helped a lot. I might just be better at listening (And I used to have terrible auditory comprehension growing up). I could listen to audiobooks too...

I should just focus on podcasts. Although with reading, there's a more organized structure.. So a few books (Not to create such a high expectation..), and then read the summaries, write important things in my notes..

And my notes... I download them to a USB every few months (So I don't lose them) - Lot of important stuff that I would likely read 10+ years later, or it's just for organizing my mind.

Executive functioning, is such a complicated thing for me (Cuz it's so boring) - But I still do it.. It's my least developed skill...