Roll Call 196

Just make sure you drink lots of water and consume all of the required nutrients (Potassium, magnesium, sodium, etc - For electrical heart rhythm, - Carbohydrate, some fat, proteins etc - To build amino acids, - To keep body functioning and brain to replenish neurotransmitters that the antipsychotic depletes) - Much love from me and us here

Weight is lost easier at first wave baseline, then gets harder and harder.. to infinity (When we are dead and decay - But don't worry about that now..).. Christ, I'm being morbid again... But imagine all of those COVID statistics and IQ bell curves @Data math scientist.. That's a life thing, spectrum of light.. We are all colourful like rainbows and all there is = love.

Had pad thai for the first time today, it was really good, never had rice noodles before either, I really like them

All I want is meaning and to be understood, able to express and articulate myself, feel comfortable in my own skin (And when not, have excitement) - I want to not be afraid of what people think of me.

I'll look at pictures I took on vacation and write about what happened.. I just feel weird after watching corruption videos in the car and then my family talking about politics.. So I left to be alone.

I wish everything wasn't so religious. It scares me - Infinity. There's a finite and infinite nihilism. I've been through both. I laughed myself to death on shrooms and then became horrified - All cuz a pedo manipulated me and then tripped while my mind was zero sense.

I try so damn hard. And I left a friend that tries even harder. Everything I say is wrong - But I'm going to make it all right.. It's just so fragmented. I think my schiz is mostly disorganized or PTSD. What a life, why.. I sat there ****ed up for lifetimes, high... stoned.

It'll get better. I just feel deja vu 24/7.

And I can't even drink alcohol without my mom complaining while also somehow guzzling wine from the bottle.

Where was she when I was doing all of those research chemicals? At my ex step dads house. Why did he leave? Cuz I said "My dad pays for the food".

Pink Floyd. That's what I'm listening to.. All of the pot heads, they're right. The crazies and outcasts. The system is screwed - And everyone knows that. Not even myself, goes deeper into it. It takes effort. All people want is distraction.

And I'm not judging - That's why I left that INTP friend. But now I'm doing the same thing. What a ****ing joke of a twisted sick elastic infinite dimensional horror movie.

I'll take the olanzepine.

Went 2 sleep for 12 hours =/

I think I accidentally took double/2x 10mg of olanzepine. I was OUT.

Went to my friends house for a few hours today. Had a good time, we played the Digimon TCG, some videogames, and a dice game, and watched some of a movie. Just got home

I feel this almost weight being lifted. Not as empty or dead inside. No longer wanting to self harm. It’s been almost a week since I’ve been up to 150mg total of lamotrigine. I feel it’s starting to work at a therapeutic dose.

I still obsess about losing weight. But I feel not as depressed.

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I feel bored from time to time. I am still evaluating this med change from Abilify/Zyprexa to Latuda. I feel like the Latuda is helping so far. I don't know what the boredom has to do with anything. But I'm trying to give myself some space to experience my feelings. And just relax about the medicine change although there have been some pretty tough days along the way.

I saw a tuxedo cat on my walk home today, , right across the street from the building I live in, at first I panicked (illogically) and thought omg did Mustachio get out somehow (I live in a third floor indoor apartment, so that is highly unlikely if nearly impossible to happen). The cat looked at me, it had a black face and white mustache which is so weird because it's the opposite color mustache that Mustachio has. Anyway, the cat ran when I looked at it, I don't know where it went off too. I felt bad though, I feel so sad seeing street cats, I worry about them.

My girls are safe at home though

I can't stop thinking about what the sociopath said to me for 10 minutes on a Zoom-like chat, years ago.

I took 500mg of phenibut and a lot of other things. Maybe then I'll be happy.

I just Googled "How to love myself" and a point was to "Compare to who you were yesterday" - I said this to that person on the video chat and he said "Live and die for something", like the sociopath soldiers I talked to for 3 hours straight, a year before. They shouldn't have been in the army.

Idk if anyone should be in the army. I hate soldiers (No offence to them). But my experience justified that.

Everything I say is dismissed.. Even by my doctor. Like I faked my mental illness cuz of hypochondriasis and being on the internet too much (I didn't even have internet in 2012 - All I did was listen to music) - And it started when I was 12, after my parents split. Now, I go to Mexico with my family and have the best time.

My dad wore live ammunition around his chest and was drunk, got kicked off the plane (After the last family vacation) - My mom had enough, and cheated on him. I couldn't understand what love is when it's just so reckless and stupid. I wasn't stupid back then..

I need to write more.. I'll do it now - However long I procrastinate. It was the perfect time to tell my dad, help him with his problems/loneliness etc.. He'd be drunk and so would my mom...

I have a lot of problems to solve and I'm just always explaining into a void. Why did that AvPD friend say all of those things.. write walls of text, and yet judges people, society - So much smarter than me.. Had more time to build personality/knowledge than me - And I explain that. Why did he want to have sex with a 19 year old - 19 isn't a kid but basically.. Why would someone prey on another that is so immature?

I was extremely immature.. 20 years old, did so many research chemicals, something novel.. And the psychedelics from the book I read (PiHKAL), the novel chemicals, I told people.. the old man (50 something), and then he wanted sex with me. Why. It makes me think twice about ever trusting anyone.

It was a variant of a sick twisted love story that he wanted. Alexander Shulgin made that story "A chemical love story" - It's supposed to not be like a twisted copy. I want to be my own person. It's ****ed up. I'm done with it all.

I researched his criminal background and he stole guns and ammunition, 80k. He died 3 months later. I wished death upon him. I tripped the next day - Even more disturbing things happened to me before that.

I'm too sensitive for this sick world.

I'm at my grandmothers house right now.. She loves me.. She beat my mom to the point of unconsciousness - But love for grandkids is to make up for it.

I knew my mom was cheating, but I said "Nana and Grandad wouldn't approve. So she'd never do that" - But she did. In the most ridiculous way. And then her narcissist ex, manipulated me so much that my mind turned into shattered glass, grinding in a garbage bin - Yet I still tried. I still obeyed.

But now I'll obey no one. Not even a rehab, no information, no meds, no psychiatrists. No government. No authority. I think properly. Like people don't.

I've been twisted and broken up, stepped on - And I still kept going. I continued to do what I thought was good for survival.

And my Nana.. she says that I'm the only grandkid that can stay in her house for as long as I want...

My other grandmother, killed my grandfather.. let him die on the floor - And then called 911. My dad gave her so much money, manipulated as well. I'm sick of being manipulated, giving and doing what I think is right = people just want things from me.

Have you ever discussed ptsd regarding these events?

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I tell people all of the time.. There's not much that people don't know about me - Cuz of the OCD symptoms and paThoLoGicAL HonEsTy. I told my therapist and I think I might have freaked her out lol...

But no worries, it's ok.. Just the internet is a lonely/negative place.. When I talk in real life, I find it hard to speak..

I'm my own worst enemy I guess. People have been through things.. But it seems like I interpreted everything in such a real way.

And I heard on a podcasts, "Smart kid gets picked on by classmates, shoots the place up" - I'd never do that.. I don't have an ideology or hate for anyone... I just felt like things were so unfair... Life is confusing for 99% of people.

My mind, it was good.. It broke though. I had potential, and people just label me "autistic", "gay", "lazy" "kill yourself", etc - Even some psychiatrists did severe malpractice. My mom could have sued the hospitals for leaving me with meds where I swallowed all of them.. Or other patients smuggling drugs into the hospital and giving them to me (Right after I was diagnosed with schiz).

The isolation was worse than being in solitary confinement cuz I was also tortured... But !! lol.. It's ok.. I just need to vent sometimes. I'm not a disturbed monster.. I am harmless, nice, kind, compassionate, empathetic..

I just need an outlet and organize every thought.. (80% would be good)... Phenibut, good mood lift.. I want things to make sense..

Not like the philosophy forum transgender person... Sociopath, narcissist.. I was raised by those people. Neglected too. If I don't speak or explain, my mind will rot.. I don't want it to be like this - But if I don't make sense of it, I won't be functional - My neurons would mix up and I'd become way too incoherent.

I think you're incredibly honest and your posts inspire me/and are uplifting.

So I wrote about the vacation (In the gratitude section of my notes), it's all good.. Just needed to vent first. I'm very happy about the vacation..

It's a dream come true. I feel stronger and with less stress. I have a good life anyways.. Most people would die for it.

I just need to figure out what to do now - My mind is okay...

Last night, I had the most intense hypnopompic auditory hallucinations I've ever had. Lasted a few minutes. Interesting.

I've been doing really well, the med increase from a couple months ago has helped a lot.

It's been snowing all day and I've been listening to a lot of Christmas music

The cats scratching post was delivered to my sister (didn't want the package to get stolen or lost here, and didn't feel like waiting around to give them access to the building) she's gonna drop it off next weekend.

Have an inspection tomorrow

Baking two egg custard pies on Friday, I'm going to give one of them to my sister

I got some spicy Italian turkey sausage and am going to have it with wheat pasta w/ pasta sauce and some texas toast sometime next week

I usually procrastinate waking up for ~2 hours. Because I don't want to do the morning tasks. I even procrastinate taking the Vyvanse.

So I woke up at 12pm. Then feel disappointed - But I'm still motivated and do the things...

You see, if I procrastinate those things every morning, and every morning happens every day, and every day happens every day for life - I'm procrastinating life..

I have trouble showering again too. 3-4 years ago, my dad shamed me for not showering (For 3-4 days) - I felt so shamed... But it worked.. It wouldn't work without also being put on a stimulant again, so your milage may vary.

One good thing Im doing now is - Shower at NIGHT, and I floss my teeth at night (Every second day).. 1.5 days is the longest I go without showering. It works well.

I've come far.. really far. I've accomplished these minor things... being in isolation. It's like my dad - Same thing.. No money, thrown into Spanish speaking countries (Having dyslexia), learned to speak it on his own... Became a consultant of silver/gold mines. Abused by his mom, manipulated by his translator (When he was getting cancer surgery), gave him 1000's of dollars, paid for his rent.

It's like me in the psych ward, giving people hundreds of dollars, buying them coffee, cigarettes, candy, chips.. withdrawing ALL of my money for a crack head. Later, he asked me if I wanted him to pay me back.. I said "No.." and he was like "Thank you so much.." and we were still friends.. I didn't hold a grudge. I feel like it was a real friendship (As sad as that sounds, since I haven't really had any good friend in my life).

My dad, flew from Argentina, cut my nails on a bench outside (When I wasn't taking care of myself, catatonic in some way). I still remember that. I'll never forget what meaningful things that people have done for me.