Roll Call 197

Bluebird, I took some photos in the snow this morning and thought of you, maybe you can get some good snow pics when this storm makes it way there.

I saw, your pics are beautiful! Especially love the lake one with the tree reflections in it

It’s snowing right now so I hope it accumulates and maybe I can take a quick picture without getting my camera wet

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When you’re full of manic energy but it’s cold outside and you’re stuck working.

ITS NO FUN.

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I took some winter pics outside on my Nikon today. Didn’t stay out long because it was snowing and didn’t want my camera to get really wet, but I think I got some nice pics , I’m happy with them. Was really nice to finally take some outdoor pictures with it. I can’t wait till the weather is nicer and I can go to the big park near here. And the rose garden once it’s blooming. Anyway, I’m having fun with it. I’m still doing my 30 day photography beginner basics course thing. I’m on like day 14 or 15 I think. I’m really enjoying this as a hobby.

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I think I’m going back to college to complete my degree in the fall (late end of august)

I need to figure out ways to get out of the apartment, just to get away for a bit. Like I’m stuck in here all the time and it drives me crazy and it’s harder to actually go do things because of the ice and snow.

There has to be something I can do, go to a cafe or something by myself. That would be extremely anxiety inducing but I would feel better after having gone.

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I took a klonopin. The last time I took one was 19 days ago. I try to be extremely strict with myself as far as when to take them. My doctor has me prescribed for 3 times a day. But I just can’t do that, I don’t want to get addicted or build tolerance to them. So I rarely take them, only when my anxiety is extremely bad and I’ve exhausted all other options. So I do my best to use as many possible coping skills as I can. And that’s what I’ve done, for a week and a half And my anxiety is not abating at all and is getting worse so I took one.

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I feel okay now. Whatever it is what it is. If I can’t sleep then I know what’s up. But I feel fine.

Had a couple drinks. I’m fine though.

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I was struggling to eat lunch today. Even though it was a handful of cherry tomatoes and some seaweed. Barely anything. But I struggled.

I just want to disappear sometimes. Lose weight. Be small. I can’t help it.

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I can't let the world kill my positivity... I stand up, then get pushed into a ditch on the side of the road, left to die - And it all happens in my own mind. I do this to myself (Cuz of trauma).

I don't understand the trauma.. In a bad state, I'm like "I never wanted to live" - But maybe that's a lie.. I struggle to get air, and breathe.

I wish I had a hippie friend or shaman, to guide me.. Good vibes - That's all I really want. What a dysphoric dystopia that's happening now.

My ego is connected to the centre of divinity, spacing out, anxiety - But I am strong... The only problem is that I think the patterns are wrong.. So I need criticism.. Just people never really say things to my face (And let me know...) - They travel on the outer edges of the universe, saying "I'm here. You're not - I'm above you" - And, same thing - In the ditch I go. Rotting into the dirt and then.. My spirit goes to hell.

Disturbing things are in this world. Like is hell "disturbing" too? Or just painful, burning alive type immense suffering. I thought about how would the centre of a star feel? Or the whole star itself... and how much consciousness could exist with such intensity of the dial turned up to max.. - Maybe only in relation to the human brain structure... And yknow that's why "God" is portrayed anthropomorphically, as human, etc..

So we're just in this realm, where there's limits... And in the others? Pure geometric chaos and order, sliding, transforming.. I just hope that when I die, I get to do cool stuff like re-live the past and do things to fix my horrible regret..

Anyway, I'm okay. A little sad. Lonely. I went for a walk today - and it was really nice.. Imagine, just a simple life.. I thought about doing a chemistry course (It would be really fun!...) - I just need to focus. I need the dextroamphetamine increased - But it's at max.. and the APs/sedatives really cancel it out.. So I'm not sure exactly what to do..

I feel some of the happiest when I spend time with my dad.

Or any one of my family..

That's why I want good IRL friends. I've been alone since forever. And isolation.. That's why I'm like this =]

I'm useless too though. I can accomplish nothing.

Maybe I sound repetitive or dumb but I’m trying again to go without alcohol. I got rid of the watermelon vodka and drambuie. So I don’t really have anything I want to drink. I’ll try again not the drink. Hold it to myself this time.

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All jokes aside, I'm really struggling - Like I never have (Since 10 years ago).

To be fair, it's been a constant struggle almost every day of my life (Especially since I was 16 - When stress worsened OCD symptoms and psychosis started). The trip helped to make things more interesting, trying to solve the mystery.... But it ****ed me up even worse. It was a pure double edged sword.

I told my mom about all of these things - That;

1. "I feel numb/sad all of the time"
2. "Insane amount of stress/Never being able to relax"
3. "It's like every person is a cartoon"
4. "I want things to be fun - Yet with things that are, I feel negatively about them/nihilism"
5. Just generally being so down on myself/No condifence
6. "unable to initiate things/tasks, no motivation or energy"
7. Frustration and thoughts/monologue torturing me constantly, analyzing every single bad memory or mistake.

I'll say these things to my psychiatrist too. I told my my mom that "Things won't be fixed". She said that "Nothing is 100% for everyone" so I said "That's what disturbs me.. Is everyone just crazy then?"..

I don't like this reality. It's so horrible. Since a child, I had panic attacks at night when I had to hear my parents having sex.

Anyway, what was I gonna say... My mom said that one of her friends likes me and will offer for me to do a pottery class.. It's "fun and meditative".. I guess it would be okay... She also offered to fly me to see family, just so things change, etc...

My mom said she knows I struggle a lot. I really wish it wasn't this bad. I said that "Every turn I want to make, seems like a dead end". I don't want to live another day - I really don't.

Have you ever tried exercise? I k ow you did great with hiking but in winter or when you’re alone sometimes you just need an exercise bike or something. Sometimes I watch these YouTube biking videos that look like you’re in the French countryside etc. so you get two natural relaxants, the feeling of nature and the exercise.

Hi friends. I had a Pdoc appointment yesterday. Went pretty good. He confirmed what my T said--that I am having a lot of OCD thoughts. Of course no one says how to deal with them. Also the white queen is back. I guess she is a hallucination. She seems real. I haven't seen her in a couple of years. It gets weird though because sometimes I think people IRL are the white queen. Then I get disappointed when they aren't. If she is a hallucination, she's not a bad one. But I don't know that she is actually good. I ascribe qualities to her that I wished she had like comfort. But really all she does is stand there, watching me. Maybe she is silently judging me.

Wow that is great cogladiaid! I need to lose weight too. Stupid olanzapine has caused me to gain weight. Can't wait to see what my gp says (not!)

Definitely talk to your therapist. Maybe write this out and then read it to her so she can understand. Sometimes therapists are helpful people.

HUGS desoxyn

Nice to see you Sp!

Hey SK!!! I still read here but don’t post unless I can help usually.