Roll Call 197

When I was in the hospital, some guy was on clozapine - And he was really sick. White and zombified. He had the "side effect", then went on risperidone. I'll pass.

"I hear it's amazing for some people. And the blood tests are definitely worth it as it can be dangerous if your white blood cell count drops, but the longer you're on it I think the less blood tests you need (frequency wise)."

^ Ah I guess that's not so bad.

So tomorrow morning, I'll take 10mg of Prozac. I have 4x 10mg Dexedrines to take every day + 60mg of Vyvanse (He knows that I react well to stims - Possibly cuz I have mild autism with psychosis, not schiz? Maybe). The Prozac could phase out the pregabalin (Possibly).

Am feeling hopeful. I think this is the best regimen I've had - and that I won't need to take clozapine or do electric shock therapy.

It's like he was saying "Be better, or else..." lol. But no, he has good intentions.

Do You Feel Like a Bad Person? Why You Might Feel This Way

Well the dog we were looking at yesterday - we got him. He looks to be a mix of Jack Russell terrier and a chihuahua. So cute. When I get him to sit still I’ll see if I can get a picture to share.

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Speaking as someone who used to be on clozapine.

The blood tests are weekly for the first 6 months, every two weeks for the next 6 months after that, then once a month after that. I checked and it's like that in both canada and the united states.

The blood tests weren't too much of a pain for me, and definitely would have been worth it if it worked well for me. Unfortunately clozapine wasn't that good for me, though. Lots of sedation and didnt do much for symptoms. Might give it another try one of these days, but probably not.

I think medication is just a bandaid for me. It's a philosophical thing. I don't care anymore. I don't even want an afterlife. I want to pull the plug on all of existence (Me, God). And then there's 50% where I'll be in heaven, and insane euphoric cult membership paradises, with rules, blackmail - Sometimes free. All I do is lift people up - Can't lift myself up. I don't wish I were dead, I wish none of this ever existed (Right now? - Of course I have the insight for that..) so w/e. I'm just complaining, in a dysphoric neurochemical state. Mostly it's just too much, all of the time. Constantly.

I try to be good, talk to people, help, be nice. But I'm so scared. My brain is like tar, depressed since forever. No neuroplasticity. Can't do things (And no one will explain to me why I can't).

If you really want to rub it in, tell me things that will hurt me. Hopefully it can push me over the edge like I want, and maybe what a lot of other people seem to want for me.

Enjoy the pup! Looking forward to pics

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Not a great pic but he’s so excitable. His name is Ned.

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No one is judging you or controlling you. It’s okay we’re here to listen.

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Sorry.. I forgot that next time this stuff happens, to take a benzo (Like my psychiatrist recommends) - I did that..

Jordan Peterson: How to Deal with Existential Despair - YouTube - This stuff helps too (Up until the end, where people disagree about gender)..

Coglaidaid, Ned is so cute! Thanks for sharing!

I'm so relaxed... Valium always help.

Finally calming down. Sitting in the cuddler bed omg.

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Feeling better. It's like a roller coaster - Except the tracks are rusty and shakes the thing, not knowing if I'll die.

Okay last picture. Fell asleep beside me for a bit last night. So cute.



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I swallowed a Prozac =/

Took me an hour to get out of bed (Instead of 2-3). So that's good.

We'll be going skiing in the afternoon =]

Just got back from yoga class. It was good

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I'm feeling good. Great skiing day =] I skied with my mom and a friend (From the parties in 2019-2020, he's seems to be an aspie - Constantly talks but is great to talk to).

I need to do more activities... I still plan to run 15 minutes every 1-2 days (When it gets warmer). +.. I guess I should post the thing I made last night before I went to bed (It's unfinished, but I keep refining these things every time I need to organize..);

Oh, and I had a cold shower when I came home too.. boost norepinephrine..



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I finish the 30 day beginners photography course tomorrow.

I’m just gonna work on really learning my camera settings thoroughly and practice taking pics of basic things for now. Just some ordinary stuff for now. I can’t really get to the park until spring/summer to take pics. So for now I’m doing different color challenges like pick a single color and take as many interesting pictures of things with only that color , like for blue it could be blueberries, blue paint on a wall, a close up shot of denim, the blue sky etc and that can be done with any color, but the pic subjects have to only be that color. Can’t be something that’s red and blue together for example. Maybe put them in a collage to show off a particular color in different objects/settings Also there’s the alphabet challenge. Start with the letter A and photograph something that starts with that letter like an apple for instance, something that starts with B, and so on through the entire alphabet and try to make the angles, lighting and use various settings on the camera to make it look really interesting

Anyway, going to the dentist tomorrow morning for a cleaning and exam. Hopefully it goes well.

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One of my goals is to lower my cholesterol

So I’ve been working on eating healthier and balanced. Going to the grocery store Friday and going to get some salmon filets, stuff for salads, etc

My housing support specialist suggested trying making salmon in my air fryer, so I found a recipe and am going to try it on Saturday.

I’m a lot more active than I used to be. Walking a ton (on treadmill and outside), doing the yoga class, doing other workouts at home (YouTube workout videos, weights, resistance bands exercises etc)

So I hope all of this pays off eventually

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