Roll Call 199

I just finished my appointment with my therapist. I was completely honest. I told her everything. She said it is definitely mania. She said it’s good I’m getting back on my meds and she said she would talk to my psychiatrist after we finished because they work in the same office. Not to get a med change or anything but just to kind of fill her in on the stuff that’s been going on the past month.

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Glad you were honest and back on the road to recovery….

Thanks, all this stuff was part of the reason I wasn't posting much recently, been caught up in my own craziness the past month.

I just been Extremely busy due to working two jobs…but I have today off yay!

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That’s awesome I don’t think I realized you had gotten a second job, I knew you were looking for one though

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I am getting kind of to the point where I’m considering ending things with my bf. We are great for eachother but we also aren’t if that makes sense. We kind of feed off each others manic energy, making grandiose impulsive plans, since we both deal with bipolar. Like we made plans to move in together down in Nashville ,( we went to high school together in Kentucky and dated when I was down there previously). Pretty unrealistic since I don’t have a job currently and that would stop my SSI. And I was ready to do it. But he’s a great guy I just think we’re both a little too intense.

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I have no family down there or any connections. Would be a bad idea. And he wanted to quit his job and become a guitar instructor. Don’t get me wrong he is legitimately amazing at guitar but it’s kind of unrealistic and impulsive to take that big of a risk.

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I don’t know how to break it to him though, and I know I’ll miss him. We both really care about eachother

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I have no time for myself anymore. Since we started dating. Like we’re always in contact with each-other. Either over text, phone call, or video chat. Everyday all throughout the day. It’s just a lot for me and I feel overwhelmed and like I have no time for my hobbies.

Any opinions are welcome

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Ok. Think you’re still being impulsive…give it a couple of weeks with meds and see where you’re at.

I don't judge at all, I've done some crazy things before I was on meds too, especially when I was drinking. I agree with everyone, stay on your meds, including ap's. If you feel too crowded by your bf, just be honest and say it's a little too quick paced and you need more "me time".

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I stayed up until 2am to watch Thriller, but then I didn't want to see that ep. But I'm staying up much too late. This morning when I was wiped out they sprung a doc appointment on me for like 8am. I couldn't go and then I slept all day. So I'm upset with myself today. I'm not sure why I didn't receive a text from that doc office. Like yesterday when I might have been able to sleep and show up today. Anyway now I'll have to reschedule.

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Ah.. I skipped 2x afternoon Dexedrine today (For taking an extra 4x two nights ago). One more time, I'll need to skip...

Am spacey spacey.

Ahh! Headache!!

Advils.. where's the Advils...

I remember the first day I woke up in my own bed, and looked at my new pill bottles. I sighed, but years later, yeah, it's just a tiny pill I swallow, I have the same mindset.

My memory isn't what it use to be, but i can still write, I can be creative, I can work, I only do something embarrassing like once a year now XD But when I do, it's absolutely balls to the walls crazy! haha

Ah, I'm doing so so, still getting the migraines, but I have 3 balls rolling on it. Hopefully we figure this out soon. I'll probably get on Topamax I'm guessing whene the Pdoc nurse calls me back tomorrow. Man, hearing a few of you guy's manic confessions is really humanizing to hear guys, I actually appreciated reading those because mine were a bit crazy too, but I was hypomanic for years, resulting in years of hypersexuality. Way too much dopamine to the brain. While I was peaking in dopamine, during my prodromal phase and during psychosis, oh my god, haha its good to laugh at hindsight. lol

I wanted those pill bottles.. But everyone knew I should have been medicated as a small child As I was an extremely dissociated weird.

Well I guess children are dissociated and weird, trippy. But for me, other kids thought I was weird.. But funny.

Then I became so depressed. One of the most depressed, sitting on the bench, thinking I'm God. Then I'd go inside, put my head down and scribble out perfect math grades, idiot at language arts.

I then.. was in honours for 3 other languages, moved to no where in Canada - I thought "Wtf is this?" .. And "Why am I doing slave things - Why can't I eat toast in the living room". There was always a manipulative narcissist sociopath, present.. Watching over me, instilling as much fear into me as how dark it was in Ireland, school.. Having panic attacks when the bell rang.

I had a good life, but also the most fear like **** of the mind and soul. I'd have to write a book to explain my story.. sorry..

If I wanted to eat a sandwich, we had to stop on the side of the road so it doesn't get in the vehicle. I cleaned that vehicle, and sanded trailers, blasted them, welded housing foundation cones, cleaned mud out of oil rig vacuum tanks.. It was like 1000's of years.

I had sooo much.. incredible amount of motivation. And it was all used up.. I broke down. I was the sweetest, kind, loving, spacey kid. I had problems. Society... And evil. Now I know..

Now I know.. I can't work hard, I have to work smart. And I have so much trouble saying no.. So much that I'd walk the dirt road infinity path, cuz other people tell me to....

I have to.. stand up for myself. But I need.. to collect more information.. And BB? It's the same thing with the autist speed friend.. We are in love - But she takes up all of my time. BUT REMEMBER... that's not a bad thing.. feeding off of mania - As long as people are there for you during the depression/lows etc..

I'm mind bending, the walls of text (But also the ideas I write), and observations, AvPD etc.. I didn't ask for a relationship. I just wanted to be friends - But she has more feelings for me, it's lovingly positive...

I just need.. To not be zombified. I got 100 years worth of ideas from DPDR. But look at job, reading all of those philosophical literature.. I do have a lot of hobbies - But damn.. I always complain about these things.. the scatteredness of focus, not being able to start and finish things, concentration - So there we go, meditation, exercise, mindfulness, gratitude etc.. And the podcasts, they helped........ Reading a few books, constant..

Constant.. Like I didn't know that I was manic (When I was) or in psychosis.. I was just like "the paradox" (Infinity basically) - But I had so much energy, agitation, irritability. My moms ex was an "alpha male", stomping around upstairs, and I was fearing the annoyance. And my mom is annoying too. I can't get a ****ing break from life. I have to argue with people, to advocate for myself just every second of any decision that I make.. Society is dying too. Wtf was the pandemic. Everyone didn't even wake up. 1984 etc.. Yknow..

I'm done. I'm not talking. Everyone can go to hell (But I love you guys ) *cries*