Roll Call 199

I remember you, it’s good to see you

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Happy Easter to those that celebrate and happy weekend/Sunday to everyone who doesn’t

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Happy Easter everyone

Happy Easter =] My mom gave me a chocolate bunny this morning.

Extreme motivation today, but it was all used on work.. Spring motivation..

But work is over for 4x days.. Tomorrow, I'll try and make an effort.. to do good things.. I'll wind down for now (With the afternoon Dexedrine? Idk.. I guess I must still keep going).

And I have a shower every day.. do the hygiene things, tasks.. They can get tedious AF though sometimes.. But I do them...

Last night, I hid under the covers and waited for 5mg of diazepam to kick in. Then went for a walk downtown, and was afraid of NO ONE (About 75% fear gone). So I wonder if I should try Cymbalta.. But I'll wait a while (If things get worse). I don't like to think that they'd get worse.. Cuz I want to succeed.. in my own way..

The dextroamphetamine won't be a long term prescription.. I'm just gonna learn the right coping mechanisms for focus and indecisiveness ... Mindfulness, meditation, learning as much as I can.. about how to orientate my life...

Often I say these things, then go into a bad state - So Idk. I'm afraid of that happening. I might as well accept it and give into it happening, of what might not happen (NOpe iN LiFe U CanT Do THat). Fine.. w/e... (ThAts NOt ThE RigHT AtTitUDe) - Okok..

I'll plan to read for ...25-30 minutes, today.. at 4pm.. First must search up corruption news though, and talk to the autist friend (She leaves millions of long messages.. I can't keep up - But has really helped me to find clarity about "self", be more curious with learning more etc.. It's cool. Genius autist.. I realize that I don't really have nearly as much autism as I thought..)..

Any criticisms are welcome =/

I'm druuuuuuuunk!!!!! Hope you're all OK!!!

Please stay on all of them, Blue_Bird.

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If you’re good on them right now I wouldn’t try to change them.

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Meditation is good. Reading is also good. I kind of find reading to be somewhat meditative in away. Idk. It always relaxes me. Usually takes at least 10 minutes before I get into the flow of it then I’m relaxed because I’m being mindful and focusing on one thing

I try to do work on one goal at a time. Like work on a goal such as making reading part of routine and get that down for a few months then work on another. At least that’s what I do. I don’t do too well when I make too many changes at once. I start really strong and burn out fast

anyway, not sure if any of that helps. Just some thoughts

I hope you’re Easter was good, I got some of the Reese’s easter egg shaped candy yesterday

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Had a good day. Got on the treadmill for 30 minutes then did some weights and squats. Cleaned quite a bit, finally did laundry too. Talked on the phone/FaceTimed with my bf a lot today since he’s off work on weekends.

Spent a lot of time reading too.

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Yeah you’re right. I am just trying hard to lose weight, I feel like getting off the meds would help that. But at least I’m having healthier habits lately and exercising. I know I’ll lose weight eventually. It will just be really slowly and I’m extremely impatient

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My friend just came by. He was only here maybe 20 minutes but it was good hugging him and stuff. He brought me a good charging cord, hopefully around 6 feet, and some sugar substitute, and coils, but the coils will have to be redone.

I want a chocolate rabbit so much, but I couldn't ask for that. I feel like I might have blood poisoning and the only reason to survive it is him. I've been very down the past few weeks, and I'm having trouble getting back to whatever is normal for me.

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That's one of the things I really miss, having drinks. Next time they let me go out with my friend I'm going to beg to go to a bar. Have a great time, unsure!!

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I also am feeling desperate about my weight. It really doesn't matter so much except when I remember the past.

The bathroom here is an ever worsening source of depression and disgust. Someone attached the toilet seat wrongly and the cover cant be lifted up properly. You have to hold it up while sitting down and it's ridiculous and gross. Last night the left 2 big sh* t marks on the seat, and urine unflushed. I wanted to cry. I cleaned up one of them so I could pee. I can't go on like this. But I'm so upset I feel as if I try to say anything I'll explode on the social worker or something. Really need a vacation from this place.

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Angelique I’m so sorry you’re going through all that

I wish I was there to help somehow, I hope you know we’re all here for you though and we care about you a lot.

I wonder if there’s any like online mobile games or something you could play? Maybe you and I could play a game sometime , just a thought, to give you a break/distraction from the situation

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Me and my bf have started both putting money into a savings account towards a plane ticket for him to come visit. We should be able to get him here by my birthday in the beginning of June. Then like a few months after that once we start saving again towards another ticket I can fly down there and visit him.

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You are so kind and sweet, Blue_Bird. Thank you. I should try to get to the SW office and tell her what's going on.

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Mom is home from the hospital but has follow ups with Cardiologist and Endocrinologist. And GP. New Meds. And my Dad has to check her bp all the time.

I'm hoping to do some volunteer work on a farm this summer. I'm thinking a day or two a week'll do me some good.

I'm trying to get on a stricter eating/sleeping schedule too. If I wake up every day at 6, don't nap, try to go to bed at the same time, and eat at the same times every day, hopefully there will be less inner chaos.

Sending hugs to all who want them

I hope she gets better soon

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