Roll Call 199

Yeah you’re right. I am just trying hard to lose weight, I feel like getting off the meds would help that. But at least I’m having healthier habits lately and exercising. I know I’ll lose weight eventually. It will just be really slowly and I’m extremely impatient

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My friend just came by. He was only here maybe 20 minutes but it was good hugging him and stuff. He brought me a good charging cord, hopefully around 6 feet, and some sugar substitute, and coils, but the coils will have to be redone.

I want a chocolate rabbit so much, but I couldn't ask for that. I feel like I might have blood poisoning and the only reason to survive it is him. I've been very down the past few weeks, and I'm having trouble getting back to whatever is normal for me.

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That's one of the things I really miss, having drinks. Next time they let me go out with my friend I'm going to beg to go to a bar. Have a great time, unsure!!

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I also am feeling desperate about my weight. It really doesn't matter so much except when I remember the past.

The bathroom here is an ever worsening source of depression and disgust. Someone attached the toilet seat wrongly and the cover cant be lifted up properly. You have to hold it up while sitting down and it's ridiculous and gross. Last night the left 2 big sh* t marks on the seat, and urine unflushed. I wanted to cry. I cleaned up one of them so I could pee. I can't go on like this. But I'm so upset I feel as if I try to say anything I'll explode on the social worker or something. Really need a vacation from this place.

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Angelique I’m so sorry you’re going through all that

I wish I was there to help somehow, I hope you know we’re all here for you though and we care about you a lot.

I wonder if there’s any like online mobile games or something you could play? Maybe you and I could play a game sometime , just a thought, to give you a break/distraction from the situation

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Me and my bf have started both putting money into a savings account towards a plane ticket for him to come visit. We should be able to get him here by my birthday in the beginning of June. Then like a few months after that once we start saving again towards another ticket I can fly down there and visit him.

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You are so kind and sweet, Blue_Bird. Thank you. I should try to get to the SW office and tell her what's going on.

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Mom is home from the hospital but has follow ups with Cardiologist and Endocrinologist. And GP. New Meds. And my Dad has to check her bp all the time.

I'm hoping to do some volunteer work on a farm this summer. I'm thinking a day or two a week'll do me some good.

I'm trying to get on a stricter eating/sleeping schedule too. If I wake up every day at 6, don't nap, try to go to bed at the same time, and eat at the same times every day, hopefully there will be less inner chaos.

Sending hugs to all who want them

I hope she gets better soon

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That’s a great idea. Volunteering has helped my mental health a lot I hope it does the same for you

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Thx! This helps a lot Especially the "I start really strong and burn out fast".. I should know better.. But no bipolar or anything - It's just a series of building the life thing..., falling down.. continuing...

And waiting 10 minutes (Until in the flow) helps.. I did that yesterday (Like I said, at 4pm) - For 30 minutes (Book "Limitless") - It told me to set a 25 minute timer.. and write down thoughts (As thoughts are important) - But the timer went out.. I just kept writing down thoughts..

I'll try again today maybe..

And BB? Being happy? With a soldier?! I won't allow this.. Break up with him, ImEdiAteLy.

No jk lol - I hope things work out =]

Thank you

I know you’re kidding about the breaking up, but you’d actually probably get along with him lol He had a few acid trips and smokes weed. He’s into all that expanding consciousness stuff and psychology, some philosophy likes to talk in depth about things lol anyway he changed a lot from when we first dated back when he was in the army, for the better. His parents kind of pushed their strict religious and right wing political views and beliefs on him back then when he was growing up but he has become his own person with his own beliefs since then , which is a good thing. He’s not like the soldiers that you video chatted with, is actually a good genuine person , they sounded like horrible people

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A psychonaut! My ideas spread to Job too (RIP, blessing and curse). People like that have much to talk about.. curiosity gets triggered in a child-like way.. Constant wanting to learn (If things have been crushed by authoritarian parents, society, etc..)

And I do like soldiers.. Just the ones I talked to, I mentioned them as "The soldiers" (In some traumatic type way). Many soldiers have PTSD and yknow there's more soldiers that commit suicide than ones that die from war? - I heard that few days ago.. I wouldn't be surprised at all if that's true.

But that's cool in all ways though ^-

Yeah unfortunately many do commit suicide

My bf doesn't have PTSD. He was deployed to Kuwait for awhile but was a mechanic and not in combat. He does have bipolar though, so we have mental health issues in common.

My brother in-law though was a marine, and he was in a lot of combat and had severely bad PTSD and tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions. His deployments really messed with his mental health. Every one he came back to the states, angrier, more depressed, and drinking more

Applying for jobs this week. Petsmart has a part time pet grooming trainee job, I don’t know if my lack of work experience will effect my chances of getting it but I feel like the fact that I volunteer there with the cats will look good on my resume and may make up for that? Idk. I kind of want to apply for it

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The more I think about what’s ‘normal’ the more I realize that normal doesn’t exist. People are all weird and different sizes and stuff. No one fits the ‘normal’ mode, not really.

It’s hard to accept really.

At a concert I feel awkward like ‘I feel like I’m the weirdo dancing’ but really everyone is weird.

I need to accept it. Perception of normal. Thinking of perfect human. We’re all different in our weirdness.

I need to embrace it.

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All of reality... think of the thoughts inside your head - "Where do they come from?", think of the world.. "How good can I see this blue/green ball? Can I map out the continents? Can I draw the map of Europe? What is the outline of Germany.. What do I know about Germany? How many towns and cities?" etc.. All of the different perceptions, building objective reality..

And then.. "What is attractive?" and for me, "Why does my mom like assholes?" - "What is the spectrum of sexuality? Are most people somewhat bisexual?" and me (As a bisexual/asexual), "Why do people care so much about sex?", well - I once after said "Need dopamine", and a friend was like "Because of that"..

.. What is dopamine... Expectation, motivation.. Too much? The rat will eat food (If it requires no effort), and too little? It will be highly motivated to get the food (It could be the other way around idk).. The parts of the brain? Some areas are larger than others (Depending on male/female).

And with people arguing about gender, on a mass scale.. We're like the mice.. The mice don't know what they're talking about, they just want cheese, water, sex, sleep etc..

So all of the basic necessities must be met.. But humans, can go for self-actualization, religious thoughts (What would there be without psychosis?) - Some individuals, shamans for the rest, telling stories.. What is a story.. I find it hard to tell them, just experiences.. What is an experience..

Life is the journey.. and people make it up, were born with an absent mind, created by the void, consciousness injected, "Whenever the sperm and eggs meets" is what people say.. Magnets, two poles of ions flowing through..

Love and nothing (Is what I think is all outside in the void).. People argue, bad things happen, pain? What is pain.. Lack of endorphins.. a hug. People can be cruel (Is what I thought of yesterday), very cruel. It's possible. And it will happen to every entity, everything will. So what is important is this;

Reality is a swirling tornado of colours (Such as colour particles - Yellow, red and blue I think?), we see with our eyes.. People at a festival, dancing.. A person could by just lying there, vomit on their shirt, any size and shape, symbols written on their clothes, tattoos - That mean something.. It all means something "What is the meaning!?" - A master will explain, "I have the answers.. the true answer", and anyone can say to anyone or anything, "**** you. I am right - Or I could be wrong and know you are full of it".

And we will die.. So all of the outside in this reality, doesn't matter for now.. We'll wait until then, and try to live what we are destined..

Applied for part time jobs at Petsmart, old navy, and target so far tonight

I’ve been in a euphoric high the past week. I barely sleep. It’s 3am now and I have to go to my volunteer job in 6 hours from now. I also have to clean before I go.

I don’t know if it’s just excitement from the relationship or if it will wear off.

But I’m spending too much money , texting too much to family and friends, can’t seem to slow down etc and I’ve been making adjustments to my meds and being impulsive a bit

I feel more confident but I feel like that will be a good thing for getting a job. But sometimes I worry I’m overestimating my ability to handle stress and moving to fast with life changes.

I really hope I hear back from at least one of the places I applied to yesterday.

Idk what the point of this post is. I need some ****ing sleep

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I kind of feel like on an out of control uphill rollercoaster that keeps going higher and higher and is just bound to crash

Any insight is appreciated/welcome

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You sound like you might be a bit manic. Do you have any PRN to take for that to calm yourself down?

Don’t make any adjustments to your meds. I know you want to be off a bunch but then something like this happens.

If anything see a health professional for advice.

Sorry I can’t be much help.

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Thank you, I do need to take my meds , I have to stop messing with them

Yeah I have klonopin PRN I can take

I ended up taking the day off my volunteer shift today because I’m so exhausted at this point from being up for 28 hours and just kind of a mess. The adoption coordinator was very understanding, and she’d cover my shift today since she would be in anyway. I’m going back in next Tuesday. I’m gonna take that time to start taking all my meds regularly and get my sleep routine back on track. The last thing I wanted to do was take a day off but at this point I feel it was necessary. Anyway all is good and I’ll be back next Tuesday. I am popping in on Saturday to say hi to her because she is going to be around that day and we did want to meet in person briefly at some point since we’ve only corresponded through e-mail so far. You know just nice to put a face to a name.

I need to slow down and take things one step at a time. I can’t keep up with my brain sometimes.

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Sending hugs, BB. Get back on those meds asap!