Roll Call 199

Hi everyone, hope you're well. I've been ok mostly. Just thought I'd check in and say hi

It’s been a good day. Had fun at my friend’s. We played a bunch of TCG and tabletop games. Then spent some time painting today

My friend gave me a bag of movies he already has or didn’t want. So I got some new DVDs. Also got some new game stuff he had extras of like character dice and cards for the dice masters game.

I feel pretty calm right now after painting. Talked on the phone with my bf for awhile.

In a couple weeks I’m going back over there on the weekend of my birthday and am gonna get us some Chinese food and we’ll hang out again.

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My cream is "benzoyl peroxide" + "clindamycin". The doctor (In the psych ward - When I was 18) was like "Try this cream" - But I never knew I'd still be using it almost 9 years later...

I wonder, if I didn't use the cream, it would be gone by now.. It does a 90% good job at clearing acne (On my forehead) - But if I stop? I bet I'd break out bad again - That's why I told my doctor about it, and he prescribed the "100mg minocycline".

I threw the bottle of minocycline in the "Junk med bottle drawer" lol...

Alpha hydroxy acid in a cream will even work on cystic acne. It's great stuff.

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I remember reading about the acne bacteria - It's resistant to antibiotics by a certain %, and resistance (In their DNA's) have increased over the decades.

What I wanted was something to take to NUKE it, and be gone..

But I shall have it forever..

Yes it was retin A or retinol I used.

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ChatGPT is my love. Even though it will enslave us.

So I told my mom last night that I was going to go without alcohol. She asked me what made me decide that and I said ‘I can’t get drunk on one glass of wine so what’s the point. Also empty calories.’ But I know it’s more than that, really.

I mean when I was younger I hated the way alcohol made me feel. Then with mental health alcohol made me feel something other than my feelings.

But now I feel I don’t really need to distract from my feelings. I think my medication is doing good and my mood has been feeling better lately. I got the gym to help me feel better.

Like I worry about things. Like my liver and I think my doctor is worried too (hence the appointment with the hepatology clinic).

I guess I have a ways to go but I feel optimistic.

Plus I like a challenge. Put a counter on something and I want to keep my streak going. I’ll be at two days tomorrow evening.

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Dear math mind,

I know about these things... ethanol for example...

I used to wonder why my mom said that I can only have "1-2 drinks" - I thought "I can't get drunk on that little?" - But most people (Especially older), have more experience/mindfulness - Or are connected with some parts of their daily perceptions.. All people are like a pattern, always changing (But can be stuck in some way - They can enjoy their pattern, or are always miserable)..

But everything is always never the same (It seems like it's the same, but changes - un notice ably, by a 1% decrease or increase etc.. - And that happens for trillions of connections from 100 billion neurons in relation to each other - every second, every hour, every day..)..

I became more sensitive - So sensitive, that even 1 drink made me feel so strange (Dissociation, panic attack) - Just too much nonsense and neuroplasticity.. I had to build a new "self".

In 2022, I drank one double shot of rum, once every afternoon... I liked the dopamine hit.. Like using alcohol as crack. But once a day was enough... It was when I developed more of an ego again, had hope... But I thought of this as a hopeless world - So during the pandemic, many people did this... So many opioid overdoses etc.. And it will get worse.

Take care of the "self", the mind. Your liver I'm sure is okay - People usually don't go "I can't go to work today because my liver isn't excreting proper enzymes or filtering things"..

A challenge is good... But remember that alcoholism is a rare thing (Like drinking massive amounts), usually cuz of trauma. You went through a lot with the medical scares - So there's stress (But not severe Post Traumatic Stress! I think..). People drink 15 beers a day, throw up etc. I write this all, why? Because I feel that just talking, and that you've read this far - I may have wasted your time.. But intention is good, we care... Much love though =]

Meditation would be very helpful - I recommend it for you (And for myself!)..

Yes I think benzoyl peroxide is the key to the wash/cream/soap/whatever.

I still use benzoyl peroxide soap on my face every day (or whenever I shower).

Just be careful (if you care) cause it can bleach stuff like towels and whatnot.

I remember once my mom got really mad (not like super mad) at me because I bleached some of her good towels with the benzoyl peroxide wash (unintentionally).

Also, yeah, I'm no professional, but taking an antibiotic every day indefinitely (I don't know how long the prescription was for) is not necessarily a good thing.

I honestly think (100% believe) that meditation has helped me give up alcohol. Not trying to be dogmatic about it or anything.

Obviously everyone's personal circumstances are different.

But the way it was presented to me (meditation, that is), was at a perfect time in my life when I needed it (I was abusing drugs, etc.)

And gradually, my mind began to stabilize, and that was extremely helpful.

Because if I hadn't given up alcohol (and again, I know everyone's personal circumstances are different), I would probably be a lot more depressive and moody.

Anyway, just a plug for meditation. I would say it's not for everyone but I don't think that's true. I think anyone could benefit from it. I think mindfulness is free. It helps immensely to have a good app/teacher/book though.

Good morning, I slept really good last night. Had really cool dreams about the new Zelda game that just came out lol probably because I watched part of a walk through video of it right before I fell asleep. I was actually in the kingdom of Hyrule exploring. It was really cool. That game looks awesome though for real. I’m looking forward to playing it when I finish Breath of the Wild.

Anyway, I need to get on cleaning today. I keep procrastinating on it. It’s so hard to motivate myself. I know I just need to push myself to start then the motivation will probably follow afterwards.

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I'm slowly getting better at being calm and not have so much anxiety and be tense. Still have a ways to go. Only good part about being tense so long is eventually I get numb and very dissociated which I like as long as I'm alone.

My two new dresses. Hard to show them fully because I don’t have hangers. But I’m happy with them and like the fabric. I am hoping to someday gain enough confidence to wear them outside my apartment

They look very nice and fancy. Did you make them?

Lately I'm getting butterflies in stomach feeling and fast beating heart because my bank account is almost empty and airbnb is going to be wanting like $2K by end of July then another $2K the next month then $1500 the next month. In the meantime I'm trying my best to create a new web design business but have no idea if I can find enough clients by then.

For my entire life I keep waiting for someone to save me from my nightmare. Anyone angels out there????

Nope, bought them hold on let me post a pic from the site

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Here they are

Those are so cute! You should wear them out somewhere.

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I should, I would be so shy about wearing them but maybe on a special occasion I will wear them out. Im thinking on my birthday in the first week of June, I might see if my sister can take me out to eat and I’ll wear one out I know eventually I’ll feel more comfortable going out in those types of clothes when I get used to it. I want to. My social anxiety and awkwardness makes me feel self conscious when I wear things other than what I usually wear. I do want to wear them though for sure. Just gotta slowly build up the self confidence lol

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