Roll Call 199

Volunteer shift today. Then in the afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist

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Volunteering went well, waiting on the bus to go home.

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There were 8 cats today. So it was a bit less work than last week when there were 12 cats. I think I’m getting better at it, like doing it more effectively and faster now. Anyway, sometimes my self esteem makes me feel like I don’t do a good enough job. But I think I might be doing okay. Trying not to let self doubt come in.

I have my appointment with my psychiatrist at 2:30pm. It’s over video call so I don’t have to actually go to the clinic.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my doctor for a pap exam. Which is gonna suck but at least it will be over with soon. And I have an appointment with my therapist Thursday.

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Bored just waiting for my appointment. I hate mid day/late day appointments. I cant focus on anything until they’re over and all I think about is how slow the time is moving. 30 more minutes

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I feel like a failure sometimes because at times I feel like my mental health hasn’t improved all that much even though I’ve managed to stay out of the hospital since July 2017. especially when I dissociate and during that am not capable of anything. I also feel like I should have a job by now and be living independently 100%. But I’m still in supportive housing, have no job and have a very very very difficult time dealing with any kind of stress due to the trauma and BPD portion of my diagnoses.

I turn 29 the first week of June. I feel like I haven’t accomplished much in my 29 years aside from volunteering.

I’m also extremely ashamed of the bpd part of my diagnosis because there is so much stigma and sometimes I feel that everyone hates dealing with me

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Honestly even though I can check off some boxes with school and job etc I never feel good enough. Unfortunately the solution is changing the way you think not what you’ve accomplished.

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I know, I’m trying to work on my thoughts

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Work was kind of boring but I got stuff done. Went shopping after work with my mom and sister. Made tacos for dinner (homemade corn tortillas, homemade corn salsa, feta cheese, and seasoned ground pork).

I was tempted to drink out of boredom but I made some mocktails instead (lime juice, simple syrup, smashed blackberries, and soda water). It was refreshing and tasty.

I was feeling restless so I took the dogs for a walk. And then went to the gym around 730pm. Did leg day.

Got home, had a shower, and went to bed. Now it’s hard for me to fall asleep. Probably from the preworkout I took before the gym (fair amount of caffeine in it).

Oh well. Work in the office tomorrow and then I want to go to the gym after work. Addicted. I want to challenge myself to do a bunch of cardio. I might hate myself later.

Hey, being addicted to the gym is better than sitting around and drinking.

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Blue_Bird, you're not alone in that. I feel like a failure a lot of the time as well. It is not easy to have good self-esteem, whatever that means.

What I find especially difficult is comparing myself to other people who maybe have it easier than me.

For example, last night I went on a date, and all I could really think about is that it wasn't going to work out with this person in particular. I still had a good time, but it always sucks knowing I don't have the resources to be in a loving relationship with someone. I don't know, that's just my personal situation.

But I understand what you're saying. It's hard.

I hope Desoxyn and SlumberKitty are okay

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Yeah I do that a lot too, comparing myself to others. I’m sorry about your date not working out.

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Just got back from my doctor appointment for my pap exam. He said everything looks good, I’ll have results in about 2 weeks. Set up an appointment with him for my next regular physical in December. Gave me the bloodwork paperwork to get done two weeks before that. So it’s a fasting one so can’t have food after midnight until I get the blood work done the following morning. I can drink water though. Won’t have to worry about that till the end of November. But I should make a note in my calendar so I remember to fast for it

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I hurt my knee running so no major hikes for me, but I did go for a nice jaunt through the woods this morning. So green!

There was a BBQ today. It started pouring 20 minutes after it started though lol

They had burgers, hot dogs, chicken, ribs, potato salad, macaroni salad, watermelon, chips and sodas and beans

I got a burger, hot dog, potato salad, and beans , chips and a soda

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In the office so I got a salad at the cafeteria.

Not much else happening. I’m bored.

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So pretty sorry you got hurt though.

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Looks good

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Dissociating really badly tonight

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I just put in some scented wax cubes in my wax warmer. It’s like blueberry scented. Hoping that helps calm me down a bit and ground me. Im floating above right now and I hate it so much. Aside from that I might play a game on my phone. I’ve been playing Cozy Grove. It’s a lot of fun. I have it on my Nintendo switch too but I really am having fun playing games on my phone now since it has a much better screen than my old phone. Anyway it’s a relaxing game and I recommend it

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I learned how to play Happy birthday on ukulele with chords. I already knew how to play it with single notes but I wanted to learn the chord version. I’m enjoying learning and hopefully getting better. Trying to keep at it every day.

I downloaded a focus app. It uses the pomodoro technique for improving focus so I’ve been using that to stay focused with things like reading books and ukulele practice

There’s something about learning and making music that makes me really feel good. It’s an amazing feeling when you work at something then eventually at some point realize you’re getting better at changing chords, etc or any type of musical endeavor

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So, it's been an interesting morning. Woke up at 1:30am (went to bed at 9). Went back and forth between working out and screwing around on the internet until 7 when my mom left for work, then I got high (MJ), then I took my valium, then I drank a beer, and now here I am feeling great that I don't feel myself. And it's not even 8am. I also made vegan sloppy joes. I didn't eat at all yesterday and I'm going to try not to binge today.

I had a gluten free bagel with red pepper garlic cream cheese, and I have vegan coconut raspberry yogurt with coconut nut granola mix, flax seed, and blackberries for breakfast.

It looked so pretty.



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Have an appointment with my therapist later today. Went to the food pantry earlier. Got 2 big cartons of hazelnut liquid coffee creamer, a big jug of orange juice, a case of zero calorie zero sugar sparkling water, cheese sticks, carton of eggs, various bags of nuts (hazelnuts, walnuts, almonds, etc) and some produce, cucumber, squash, possibly zucchini I can’t tell if it’s zucchini or cucumber , a bag of apples, some frozen egg bite things.

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Have you ever tried any of those apps that tracks things? Like the I am Sober app. It has various tracking categories, several of them are for different types of eating disorders etc I use it to track how long I go without my ED behaviors. It motivates me a lot. It also has trackers for pretty much anything you can imagine, internet use, caffeine , anything you’re trying to quit/stop. Just thought I’d mention it since it helps me

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Here’s an example of what the tracker looks like from my account. Right now I’m tracking how long I go without binge eating. It’s complicated because I also don’t want to fall back into restricting