Roll Call 199

If I stay awake for more than 24 hours, falling asleep causes my heart to implode-beat and I suddenly jolt awake again. The only thing that helped was a benzo.

And benzos are dangerous to be dependent on, so I never skipped a night of sleep again.

I took both my Thorazine and trazodone along with my mood stabilizer tonight so I’m hoping those help. I haven’t been this unstable in a long time as far as just not sleeping and never slowing down

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I wonder if starting a relationship, starting a volunteer job, and starting the job search process and upcoming interview etc was all too much change at once

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The dissociation is the enemy, not you! You can do anything you set your mind to.. remember, the Eminem song...

Hugs, you can do it!

Now goooo. Be free. Like a quail!



Good enough for me, ChatGPT, ty.

My relatives used to keep quails for the eggs…thy were not free.

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Probably, but messing with your meds probably didn't help either

I've been doing pretty well at sticking to a schedule (at least waking up, eating, taking meds, and going to bed at the same times) these past few days. I think it's been helping. I went four days with out binging/purging and my sza symptoms are nearly non-existent.

With love, positive things, support from all the people in my life, my depression is being obliterated (+ K therapy), but magic works in mysterious ways. RIP to the timelines that turned out bad. But here we are, magnificent existence now, in this moment. I want to show gratitude for all and lift others up to be in peace. There is of course, an evil.. My hyperactivity. But it has been tamed, through experience and less confusion.

There is however, much struggles to come.. It will break everyone into small pieces. But it's okay..

Oh god.. I have to see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I forgot... christ.. what do I even tell him.. I don't need a psychiatrist!

I'll just speak a little about his questions, small talk.. refills..

I went to the emergency room and they did a urine test and blood work and everything is supposedly fine except dehydration and really low salt. It's like I experience delirium or something like that for short periods of time though. The migraines have stopped, no trace of them left, so phew, that was the major concern. Doc said I low on elektrolytes, so I've stopped drinking soda all together, and have switched to Gatorade, and water with those tiny elektrolytes packets, and iced tea. That did the trick, it was that easy to solve. Haha. They said I didn't have you UTI, no liver or kidney issues either. So I'll wait this out, hopefully they disappear now that I've stopped drinking on the weekends, and stopped my soda intake. Honestly, I needed to change my liquid intake, especially drinking a 12 pack every weekend, that's inviting trouble. Plus, I can still do the other thing I do once a week. So all's very, very well.

Also, I'm on a new drug for my PTSD, it's Prazosin, a blood pressure medication that is an alpha blocker. This weekend I started taking it. Man, I'm going into rem sleep again, having really interesting dreams, mostly sad, but it is what it is. But even better, I sleep extremely well now, and wake up cool as a cucumber, like my vagus nerve is stimulated. Just completely relaxed. I love this drug.

I think, because of this drug, I might try to get off Remeron and Doxepin, and if I get off those, I can get off Trileptal, and so all I'll need to take is Geodon and Prazosin, and I'll go back to my healthy weight again, that will be that. For the first time in my life, if I wake up late at night, or in the morning, I can fall back asleep. I'm going to take everything as directed for now, but when I see my pdoc, we're going to have an interesting discussion on my new possibility. =)

You'll also eventually pity me once you get sick of me. New people always seem to not.

It's like all my words always just fall, become meaningless. On whats supposed to be a support forum.

So I either have to trust myself (Which I do), but maybe other people know me more, and what's right, what's better for me... Just making OCD thoughts go mad. Everyone does this to me. BPD-type thing. And then my mind erases.

I don't care if I torture myself.

And to the rest, I'm stubborn as ****. I won't stop until I understand or get feedback and not the innocent opposite of what you feel about me. Be honest and stop hiding. I'm trying my best. It's like talking to a wall - It's always been that way. So when there's actual people? It's rhetorical, cuz I'm afraid of rejection.

But anyways, this place is terrible for me.

And everyone just waits for others to respond too, and refreshes the page. Idk wtf that means. I'll be back tomorrow. Until then, think about how I was feeling compared to now. This place doesn't help me personally at all.

I'm not the same as you guys. And if you'd like to explain why, let me know. I'd love to know. Maybe I'm just a ****** person. But I know I'm not.

I don't understand. Help me understand for once. If you're reading this and not responding (When you have something to say), you're evil as ****.

And maybe it's some glass wall - Where I turn it around, see myself from 3rd person, and it's disturbing as all hell. That's reality, some weird.. formation of things that interact like pool tubes or spaghetti being thrown around.

Wtf am I supposed to do with this stuff? Did I ask for it? I could go search all of the random topics that I can't organize for the life of me, ask ChatGPT or a therapist a bunch of questions, talk for hours, procrastinate things for hours and regret it all like my severely regretted past that I always talk about.

I try not to talk about it, be positive - But maybe the positivity seems fake.

Am I being helpful enough? That's what I'm starting with.

How do I not know anything and people are on the streets, protesting about nonsense - And all of the people that someone with schizophrenia is paranoid about? It's a metaphor of protection in a society where most people don't know that there's evil people pulling the strings, and that bleeds into all of our lives. And it's often caused by stress of THAT or trauma, lodging itself in the mind regardless of the universal stress of this BS society.

And people are like "The man is keeping me down", and have to overcome etc.. But how does someone reorientate themselves, to manifest it on mass scale.. to change something... And everyone's realities are different....

Love is what I'm talking about, the lack of it. Sure, my mom regrets so much and tries to make up for it - And I don't know exactly how to forgive when I've been tortured for so long.

And who cares.. Everyone knows that it wasn't as bad as most people because i made a complete joke out of the thing. It's a ****ing sick joke. And yeah, you hear people in this mental state - You know how they are, they're like this - And nothing you can do about it. Even myself, I'm just like "Why is this person so negative.. something must have happened - But I don't want to be around anyone like that". And when there's pity, and being as aware etc, it hurts. You can't get away with that **** without me defending myself, for what ever I'm worth at this point.

Desoxyn I care about you a lot. You’re a good person. I don’t know what to say most of the time but I always read and give hugs.

Life doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t. And I’m tired to trying to figure it out. I just try to do what makes me happy.

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Sorry... I talked with people, and I just need to relax.

You don't need to make another thread admin... Just leave it like this, it's fine.

Hugs to all.. lol

I hope you slept!

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I have a weird medical issue that I'm finally calming down about. Hopefully it will clear up on its own.

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Desoxyn, I appreciate you a hell of a lot, man. You taught me the safety valve to that thing we've done/do. And you talked me out of my head, an I'll always appreciate you for those things, and all your perspectives, and your ambitious deep dives research you do! haha we're all unique people with something to share if we each share our weirdness. = )