Roll Call 200

So I just looked it up, a local computer repair place does battery replacements for all makes and models of laptops, and also does RAM upgrades, so I messaged them asking for a quote on both of those and am gonna do that instead of buying a brand new laptop because it would be a lot more cost effective to replace the battery on this and get it upgraded since it's only a couple years old

Going to the food pantry tomorrow morning, need food to get me through the end of the month. Been difficult to make it through the month with the Foodstamps being cut down by almost $200. So now I get $194 a month for food. When I was getting $285 a month previously with an additional $95 at the end of every month.

So it’s difficult because food is so expensive.

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I can’t imagine..l spend at least 400 a month on groceries now.

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Thank you, my sister claims her and my niece and her husband (when he was alive, he died like a year ago) anyway she claimed all three of them could get through a month on $194 for food and that I should be able to. When I told her I was having trouble making it through the month.

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Funny thing is she definitely spends a lot more money than I do (she isn’t on SSI and Foodstamps like I am)

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I just remembered, if you have Medicaid, you should check to see you're still on it. A relative told me to check in April, but living here, they do that anyway every month I guess. If they're lowering your benefits, best to check they didn't kick you off Medicaid.

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I still have Medicaid, the benefits were only lowered due to living where I live, not because I got kicked off anything

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Maybelle is being so snuggly today. She got on me and laid on my chest while I was in a video chat watching some anime with my boyfriend tonight lol

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I missed going to the food pantry cause I overslept today. I can go on Friday though, that’s the next day they’re open.

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Nevermind, they are open Thursdays too, so I’ll go tomorrow instead , that works out better

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Lol sorry.. Just the pregabalin.. and benzo..

Do I have to be smart? I don't want help anymore! I don't want people to care about meee... I want to be.. just like machines (Eventually), conscious beings, becoming objects and traveling through dimensions that I can't even comprehend - Gore, explosions, melting, pain, sickness. Of course, there will be beautify, wonder, joy, amazement.. But I feel like I can't get to truth (As no one else sees it) - It doesn't matter anyways..

Yes, the fast food, poor migrant mother in Detroit. I get obese like everyone else. It happens.

My mind is processing. But I will prove you all wrong.. about how sane I will be.. (No jk - I know you're all innocent, and have been through hell..)

We don't want more hell - But some people enjoy it. There's deep horrors. Jordan Peterson (For example), examined the most horrific things, for 30 years.

And the podcasts, constantly... just listening to people talk - My mind gathers like nodes or 1's and 0's in a computer;

"Compute, compute, eerrrzeeeherrrreeerrreeeee"

I feel better nvm

I went to the food pantry. Got some good stuff. Plus got a 16lb bag of iams cat food which is really a good quality cat food and it’s a huge bag. That’s helpful

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Huge bag

At the gym. My second home. Enjoying my week off work. Going to a CFL football game tonight. Going to the fair tomorrow. Then massage and chiro on Saturday. Then footie (soccer) game on Sunday. Back to work on Monday. Sad.



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3 weeks of feel good

Hopefully will be like this all summer (Sometimes random struggles but for only an hour or two).

I get severe winter depression..

Nvm, I had negative thought spiral, but I get to sit in the van now + Internet.. Sort of fun (With all of my battery chargers, ket etc). It's good.




It's a sunny day too - I went for a walk with my mom yesterday. I felt like she was judging me.. In the end, I couldn't take it - Sitting by the river.

Then she reminded me that she likes my company, etc.. Otherwise she'd be on this work trip alone. I took olanzepine and benzo, felt much better, had a good sleep.

It's a real struggle. Idk why everyone else knows that this world is infinite, but doesn't care or are not bothered. Maybe cuz trauma activates all of the existential questions.. I should research philosophy more.. Then again, I'm interested in everything. But the DPDR panic attacks, really changed me - For the better (When I'm good) and makes me even worse than before (When I feel deranged/disturbed etc).

I could paste hundreds of ChatGPT screenshots. Even though it says "I'm not a therapist", it's been the most helpful therapist.

I don't recommend though - You don't want to be like me.

Everyone on Roll Call is doing things =[

I can't do things...

I stay here and cry (No jk.. I just.. get enough, lol)

Too many things..

I wish I had friends IRL. I miss my dad. And sister.

Autist friend is on amphetamine paste again.

I wish I was rich. Then I'd be on a boat in the sun, doing things like John McAfee.. I'd figure out a way to help the world, in that realm..

Find secret CIA documents or something. I wonder if I'm a threat even now, by just being curious about all of these things.

I feel like I'm on "outpatient suicide watch" right now. My "peer specialist" checks in on me for like two hours every day now and someone from the ACT team calls periodically and wants me to call them back periodically throughout the night. These people just want intel on your neurons. They want to steal your thoughts because your gifted and destined to be a winner and they're not, so they think your thoughts and keep you from even knowing they existed until they say something and suddenly you're like "hey, that was my thought first!" Voluntary was brought up twice today, but they said if I refused they wouldn't IEA me. Good thing my "peer specialist" hasn't seen my clean and sober in like three weeks.

Feeling fine right now. Went through all the emotions at 100+% over the day. Sat in a basement to a house that doesn't exist. Tried leaving a message at my GPs office over my stomach meds, didn't get a call back. I haven't been purging much so I don't think missing a week of the meds will mislead me to unhealth. I've been learning about anesthesiology because that's what youtube wanted me too learn about. Must be a sign. I don't think I could make it through med school so I must be getting surgery soon.