Roll Call 200

lots of SI

It happens.. You must live.. I try to help people with SI.. There's something about life - Where I can't let someone take it (Even if I want to take it myself).. It's the most precious thing, to live..

So many people, fade away - No one has the same philosophy, all a different story - Although we are human, and share love, and for wanting things to be better. For ourselves, people around us.

So we gotta start with that.. And build it up. It takes time. We fall down sometimes (But that doesn't mean that progress has failed - Just that we're stronger once we come out of it, and having gone through it).

Existence, to build - Make it better. Drugs (For example, meds or euphoriants) help - But so can anything else.. The healthiest things, is being kind to yourself. With SI, there's a battle within the mind, heart, soul.. to get away from the pain.

I'm not sure if most people with it feel the same pain that I do.. I wonder if the pain that I feel is from schiz, PTSD, or some demented, broken part of my neurochemistry - That needs to be thrown away, into the trash - And that everyone in the world would be better off without that type of energy in the world. That I'm judged for it, that's it's a wrong feeling.

But it's all valid. In this infinite life, we go up and down.. throughout every dimension. Idk if heaven or hell exists after life, or that we reincarnate - A problem that I have? Is that I can rest.. Deeply (Dead) for a while, and then live again (In some other dimension/perception), once I have the strength.

Idk if our memories are connected to all of the infinite universe.. They likely are - But you turn the corner, you're a different person. There's thing that are missing, always - And what we have right now? This moment.. It's all there is, and ever will be. People need love, joy, peace.. and?? What else?? I can't list it all.. I should.. (One sec I'll find some pieces of positive words...) ;

"Wonder, joy, love, connection, kindness and hope"!

Those are positive things.. For me, it's really really dark.. cuz I've analyzed my reality to death.. "What's the point? Everything is the same" - We're divine though. We want life to be positive.. Pain, suffering etc? - It's negative for a reason. No one would want that, otherwise it would default back to positive.

The positive and negative... Good and bad... Life and death.. It might seem cliche, stupid - To follow what everyone else does - But the point is to share.. Some people even take. Take, take - Evil, greed, power, manipulation..

It can all be overwhelming - But if your brain chems were okay? You could just experience life in the moment, and not judge yourself, argue, put yourself down. There always needs to be someone that challenges the bad thoughts, to be a friend of the self. When you're all alone? Hope wants you to hold on, with your own self (God) - And you can pray to that. Like a Mantra.

When negative thoughts happen, the mind repeats that to itself.. And it becomes real/true - Or at least guides it to that destination. Eminem, a lyric is "You can do anything you set your mind to man..".

And it's true, the things I realize (Recently) - Like, it's all a pattern.. We have to endure IT ALL. That might seem overwhelming to comprehend...

But to achieve a goal, is to do it - One small piece at a time. Life as we know it? Doesn't exist anymore. A dream of mine, was to travel the world. I can still do that.. Technology has overtaken us all.

We're disconnected more from nature every day. Many aren't - But what about the people (Now that food and cost of living is so expensive), people starve, end up homeless, do drugs..

If we see this planet - As walls, or pictures - Just a slide show. Take it piece by piece, putting together the puzzle. You can't do it by yourself. Everyone needs support and love, cuz we're all dependent, and interconnected.. People might have a good life (Doing what ever they want) - But then in the afterlife? Their karma is interconnected, infinitely - So it's a line that weaves throughout what ever shoes we are put in.. We gotta keep walking, not care about what anyone thinks (Yet still update our minds with information about how to navigate this life..).. And it's all okay, really..

Like a fields of flowers, opening their peddles (As the sun shines - The truth), people wake up.. I have a feeling that seems solipsistic - The end of the universe.. Things need to be different, that's why the world perfect. It's all a matter of perspective. Right here, right now.

To get away from the pain! And people cry in bliss, during the moments when they give up, find hope again (And that balance isn't 100% either or.. It can be mixed, even depending on any time of day..), like the dopamine/serotonin balance etc.. All the intricate balances of neurons that we have no idea how it works, or understand exactly 100%.. Mysteries..

Time kills people. It builds people. It is innocent, is nature. Unforgiving - And if you wait? It is still time - It always changes.. and gives mercy. The exceptions are so insignificant, improbable .. To jump into the unknown - When there is a reason to stay. Some people need to find a better reason - Or feel better.

I bought an Amazon fire 10 HD plus tablet, to replace my 8 year old kindle paper white. The kindle paper white was on its last legs. Plus I can use this new one for streaming videos , Netflix, HBO, Crunchyroll Amazon, etc in addition to reading my kindle books. The graphics are really good, and there’s tons of other apps you can get and some games too. And audiobooks too. None of which my original kindle could do. It was an e-reader and that’s it.

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I’m going to the movie theater on Friday to see the 5th Insidious movie with my friend, it’s his birthday that day so I’m buying our tickets and drinks. I’m excited to see it. I have to watch the 3rd and 4th before going Friday, I have them but I only watched the first 2, so after I watch the 3rd and 4th this week I’ll be caught up to see the new one Friday.

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Apparently Indiana Jones just came out, I’d like to see that one.

My friend wants to see that one too

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Signed up for a gym today! New gym home. My sister also signed up. I’m going to train her. Had a good workout today.

Had a savoury pulled pork crepe for lunch. Starbucks. Picked up prescriptions. Bought some dry erase markers. Took dogs for a walk. Now just watching tv.

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I don't understand why - In the morning, I feel so unmotivated, tired, apathetic. And then at night (Around 10-11pm), I feel so much better, my mood is improved greatly, my focus is good, my thoughts are faster and more clear, I have more energy, I'm more social etc..

But then I have to go to sleep - So I take zopiclone, and go to sleep.

I don't understand, because the stimulant wears off before that happens. I wonder if it has something to do with the pregabalin - But also, it's been like this ever since my bad psychedelic trip (In 2016).

I feel much much happier, when I'm in a flow state (And I feel like I've accomplished something, when it's near time to go to sleep - Cuz I did things).

Why does anyone try to do anything good for their community, when people are fleeing the country, taking everything for themselves - It's just survival at this point. My psychiatrist might want to help people, but I'm sure he has existential crises as well.

He's giving me Big Pharma poison of course, and I take other poison willingly, and everything is poison. The world has rotted to the core, and is bloated - Just people scavenging..

There's nothing real here. What am I to make sense of anything - Sure, we all die.. And people are to just live life.. But it's all short term delusion of safety etc.

Just throw me out on the streets. That's what I deserve. It'll happen to most people anyways. And the other side of this thought exercise? Make as much money as I can in panic for survival - Or something. Yeah I can be grateful for something that will last a year maybe - Or 5 minutes, before I have a stroke.

It's insane.

It's funny that I'm still even alive. I knew all of this would happen. But I didn't expect to witness it, and be here.

Oh man I am exhausted. I have slept a grand total of 5 hours in over 72 hours

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That happens to me too, except closer to 5am.

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Sorry guys, nvm I feel a little better lol. Maybe pregabalin Idk. I'll figure this out.

Christ BB! Are you okay? You need more sleep...

Yeah I am, and yeah I definitely do. My mind just hasn’t been able to shut off

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I don't know if I'm having a hard time anymore

Listening to music in a daze while I wait for my meds to kick in so I can sleep.

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He’s been sleeping on me on and off all day.

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