Roll Call 200

Went to Costco bought some stuff. Went to the gym. Shower. Went and saw the Indiana Jones movie - was really good. Now watching tv drinking an alcohol free negroni.

At Costco I bought a bunch of fresh chicken breasts. I use chicken breast for my salads during the week but the precooked pieces of chicken are getting so expensive. Like a package is $15 and it’s like two chicken breasts worth. So I bought a pack of 8 chicken breasts from Costco for like $32. Divide it into cooking two breasts at a time. Plus I get to season then how I want.

Anyway, bought some precooked ribs from Walmart last night ($8 a rack) so going to have those tonight with asparagus, and these small lobster tails that we had in the freezer. Need to eat them before they go bad.

Back to work tomorrow! My sister and I are going to go to the gym after work. Idk what she wants to do but I’ll get a good sweat on either way. It’s fun! I love going to the gym it’s so fun to me.

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About to play a few rounds of the yugioh card game with my boyfriend. We watched some anime earlier.

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How did your mental health get so good.. Hmm.. I'm going to have to take you off your meds, and put you inpatient of hospital.

No ones good mental health should be allowed.

I did 10 minutes on the treadmill today. Sounds pointless but I’m trying to build consistency so I can slowly build back up to 30 minutes on an incline. If I try to do 30 minutes on an incline every day right of the bat I’m just gonna burn myself out and get frustrated/lose motivation. So I’m starting small and building consistency for awhile before I start increasing the time/intensity

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I need to work on my internal dialogue. I keep having negative thoughts such as “I hate myself, I hate life, I wish I was dead”

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Bad doctor Des!

The secret is small dogs.

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Constant stream of negative thoughts and dissociating today

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Playing the monopoly Go mobile game , it’s a lot of fun. My sister sent me an invite so I downloaded it and started playing. Its a lot of fun. I’ve been getting into mobile games more since I got a better phone that can support them now (iPhone 12). Before I only played on consoles. I still do but I’m starting to find a lot of fun mobile games. Also played some of yugioh Duel links which is a mobile game where you play the yugioh card game against bots or other real people in the PvP arena.

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All the meds.. and all the drugs..
For decade.
And my IQ's..
Have increased..

They are spiritual IQs.

No matter what I do, I always have.. this hunger.. craving..

No drug will help. It's constant. It's a craving for death.

Or..

A craving for life..

I am the hunter

Hey people. Back after my therapist from here tells me I shouldn't log into this site.

I realize that this site helps my loneliness immensely. Therefore I am back.

And I am switching therapists. Lol. Anyway. Back.

And wow, realized we are on roll call #200. That is good.

I am supposed to chat with my thesis advisor this morning; really don't want to!

It's good to see you, WA.


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My friend texted me yesterday with wonderful news, he hasn't been fired. Now that he'll let me talk again I have nothing to really say. I'm going through a weird transit or progression. I wish I had been aware of the consequences of missing my clinic appointment back on that awful day in 2017. I didn't know they could commit someone long-term. That's where my astrological skills should have helped me. I was having the beginning of my 2nd Saturn return and prison/hospitalization/confinement was right there to caution me. I stopped paying attention to my chart and I'm paying for that now. What I'm really afraid of is this place closing and me being moved to a state hospital. All my worst fears have been coming true since about 2005. If they move me to a hospital I don't think they'd let me have my phone, but I don't know. I just keep praying and praying for a shorter life. Less suffering. My chart is all about suffering. I accepted that before I landed here, it's been horrible.

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Volunteer shift went well, it was a ton of work though, had me sweating and out of breath , surprisingly it’s a very physically demanding job. And I’m out of shape. So there’s that. Lol. One of the cats dumped an entire litterbox on the floor so I had to sweep all that up and it got everywhere, another of the cats as soon as I remade his litterbox he kicked out half of it onto his bedding. One of their water dishes spilled so I almost slipped and fell. I’m worn out lol. There was a big pair of orange cats named creamsicle and sherbet there. They were gorgeous. I’ll post a couple photos here. The rest are on my Facebook page

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Here’s a couple of them

It's good to see you WA

Angelique I'm sorry you're struggling, I hope the cat pictures made you smile a bit and I hope things get better eventually for you

I had a pretty good day. I managed to not dissociate despite being really stressed at my volunteer job with all the work today. My neighbor randomly rang my doorbell a few minutes ago and gave me an icecream sandwich, which was such a nice surprise. It was really good. Tomorrow I'm going grocery shopping. Getting some baking essentials. I want to learn how to bake more things, make my own pie crust, etc. I have a lot of baking tools etc so I want to start learning more about how to bake desserts. Tomorrow there's a board games and coffee event in the community room I'm gonna go to. Also gonna clean and exercise. Thursday I have a therapy appointment. Then either Saturday or Sunday I'm going to my friends house to play some tabletop rpg games and trading card games.

Read a book for an hour tonight. Trying to read more and improve my focus and spend less time scrolling social media, web browsing etc, cause that makes my focus worse. And reading helps my anxiety.

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Almost everything can be fixed/made better..

No matter what it is..

I keep worrying that people are looking at me weird cause my new piercing or judging me for it. I’m trying to not worry about it though. I shouldn’t really care what others think. It’s my body. I also worry that I’m “too old” for my septum piercing. I’m 29. But I don’t think it matters how old you are when you have piercings. I need to learn not to care or worry about what others think about me.

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That’s like saying your too old for tattoos….these kind of things mark the way you like to look and often live….they actaulyl help you find your own tribe.

Yeah, I have tattoos too and I don’t worry about what others think of them. So I shouldn’t worry about what others think of my piercings. And I definitely plan on getting more tattoos in the future when I can afford to, no matter how old get, I plan on getting my forearm completely tatted up. I have tattoos currently on both wrists. Words. And I have one on my shoulder and one on my chest as well. I want to express myself and feel more like myself which is why I want to cut and dye my hair too. I just worry too much, I’m working on it though

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