Roll Call 200

Good mental state today

I had to clonazepam myself last night, cuz my heart wouldn't adjust to unconsciousness.

Got meds refilled, took out garbage, etc.

One problem is that I just sit there, not knowing what to do... I gotta make plans, goals. So difficult.

But I sat outside, watered the grass, blue sky.. I just have a real problem with doing things, and people don't understand, and get mad at me for it.

I ask people.. Why are you doing those things... that you're doing..

Sit and philosophize with me.

Then people get mad at me for just thinking too much.

And I don't even learn in the pattern that normal people do. All information is available, but I don't seek it. I seek novelty, the newest possible thing - Then procrastinate.

And also, I collect things to procrastinate, and make a list (That I can't keep track of, cuz I didn't at the start - It's just an infinite circle of nonsense, weaving through itself). There's something wrong with me.

I "collect things to procrastinate" too. Just pile up goals and then do other things.

I'm waiting on a phone call from someone to find out information on a DBT group I'm supposed to be starting soon, which is good because I have a lot of borderline traits, but I don't actually have a BPD diagnosis because those traits are due to drug use and PTSD. My "replacement dx" is "Other psychoactive substance use, unspecified with unspecified psychoactive substance-induced disorder." Doctor speak, eh?

I've got a purring Pemi next to me. He's a happy boy. I'm thinking about volunteering at the animal shelter. Or the library. I was thinking about the park or a farm or a garden, but maybe given I'm on antipsychotics I shouldn't be working hard in humid 90dF weather.

Dawn is the best time of day and no one can convince me otherwise.

Boots volunteering at an animal shelter is a great idea. I volunteer with a program that rescues cats and helps them get adopted. And it’s so fun to go in and see the different cats each week and spend time with them , play with them while I clean their cages and litter boxes etc and make up their little areas with a towel and blanket on top then their little bunk beds. Give them fresh food and water. Sometimes it can be a little overwhelming when there’s a lot of cats , like some weeks there’s only like 3, some weeks there’s 12. And it’s a lot to do. But it feels good helping them and they’re so sweet and fun to play with and get to know. It’s a great thing to do and they’re so happy to have someone to pet them and play with them, you can feel that they’re grateful and it feels good, and I’m grateful to them because it helps me and it feels good to be helping these cats, it helps my mental health too. So even though some days may be overwhelming it’s 100% worth it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I really need to start exercising again. I’ve been so lazy the past month

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hey, Des, there's an article in my news feed about a single dose of mushroom can fix damaged brain cells from depression. I guess if you don't do it too frequently it's ok.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

The air quality where I live in NY right now, due to the fires burning in Canada I guess

Here, too (a bit farther east). But the NYC air is bad to start with so I'm glad my friend is here at my apartment.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

The mushroom saved me..

Who would I be without that trip? I'd be dead. No doubt.

It caused my ex step dad to win the lottery, and leave the next day. It caused me to move to this beautiful Rocky Mountain place. etc.

I struggle, still.. Just cuz that's who I am/pattern, in this evil patterned world.

I would like to dedicate life to psychedelic research, or be some type of futuristic, technological, scientist-shaman. It will likely happen.

I am thankful.

This is what the pharmacy sees on my prescription file.

I had severe substance abuse disorder.. But most people grow out of it, once they get older.

Most people start using before the age of 25 (Cuz the frontal lobe isn't developed, so it's much harder to make decisions properly). For me, the massive dose of Abilify made it so much worse - I should have sued (Especially since being put on it underage, at 17 years old) ^-

Yeah, I just think it's funny how they put all those words instead of "substance use disorder" or "substance-induced ????"

I'm done with all the crazy stuff. I'm sticking to weed and alcohol.

The animal shelter got back to me and they have an opening. I told them I'd take it!

I’m good with not drinking except when I’m cooking with wine. I made oxtail ragu - drank red wine. Made risotto today - drank white wine.

I like cooking with wine but I always end up drinking some. I mean I didn’t drink enough to get drunk so it’s not really a big deal but I’m just trying not to drink at all.

I have some white wine left and a whole bottle of red wine.

I’m fine resisting shots or cocktails but just… wine. It’s there.

I went 14 days. Then 10 days. Now I’m back to 0 days.

Oh well.

Aside from that I just went to the gym today again. Going to go again tomorrow. I did back and chest today. I did some box push ups (I can’t do regular push ups yet) and I benched 65lbs (my old high weight was 160lbs). I’ll build up to how I was before. I have to keep in mind it took me four years to get into the shape I was, and I’ve been away for three years.

And then Friday going with my sister to check out this other gym. They can give me a good deal because they’re poaching me from the closing gym. Hopefully it’s not too busy and a good atmosphere. I would enjoy going there it’s not too far away and seems to have equipment I’m looking for (like squat racks and bench press etc).

Oh I bought some funny gym tank tops from Amazon today. I can’t wait for them to show up. Here’s one of them:



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Study: Single dose of mushroom helps regrow damaged brain cells due to depression | Fareeha Arshad | NewsBreak Original

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

So happy to hear that! You’ll love it!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I went grocery shopping today. Got:

Avocados
Blueberries
Bananas
Sweet potatoes
Asparagus
Bag of fresh spinach
Mixed greens salad
Grape tomatoes
Turkey breast sliced from deli
Dave’s Killer bread (it’s a brand of organic bread)
Instant coffee
One bar of Lindt 70% dark chocolate
A big container of plain fat free Greek yogurt
Butter

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My boyfriend used to experiment a lot with acid and mushrooms etc. He had a horrible trip one time with acid but he said other than that it was amazing and changed him for the better. Which I think it did because he’s a better person than when we dated when I was down there 10 years ago which was before he got into any of that, he didn’t even smoke weed or anything back then. He’s changed a lot in a good way. He only smokes weed now and doesn’t really mess with shrooms and stuff anymore but he said he’d be open to it but he is not actively seeking that out anymore. I know there’s a lot of research that indicates some psychedelics can be beneficial for mental health

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Cogladaid just want to say your fitness journey is inspiring me a lot , I used to be very active but the past few years I kind of fell out of the habit of exercising regularly and I really need/want to get back to it. I really have no excuse as there’s a treadmill on my floor of the building and I have weights and resistance bands too. I’m gonna try to start getting more active again.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah I went religiously to the gym for four years and because of COVID stopped going for three years so it was rough start to get back to it last month.

Don’t push yourself and don’t feel bad! I was having trouble getting myself up again but my doctor gave me some advice to just try to carve out some time at first. Like just standing by an exercise machine for 15 minutes is a start because you’re carving out the time.

Motivation is hard I really get that. I struggled a lot and sometimes still struggle with some things to do with motivation. Like brushing my teeth, showering, and like today - working.

I don’t know if I would call myself inspiring but I thank you for that compliment.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was at the gym yesterday and as I was leaving this guy was on the bench press and it was falling on him so I ran over and helped pull it off him. He said thank you and seemed embarrassed so I didn’t make a big deal about it.

I know what’s it like missing a lift and then having someone rescue you lol. I just wanted to return the favour. We’re all at the gym together.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk