Roll Call 201

He changed it to next Thursday

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So I get a week off unless they need someone to pick up a shift and call me

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Got up, took meds. Changed bedding (For my dad to visit today), drank a Mexican coffee, brushed teeth, shaved etc, did laundry, walked to the pharmacy (To get them to send the Invega Trinza injection to the medical clinic), bought eye drops (For my dads cat allergies), nicotine gum. Went to the optometrist store - Bought contact lens solution, refilled meds, listened to music. All is organized.

Just can't stop thinking about the coworker. I was lying awake, up for hours last night - Thinking about it.. About work.. And what to do..

Do you have any way to unwind after work to disconnect from it completely? I try to do something enjoyable for myself after work because if I don’t take time to disconnect from it and focus on something else I end up up half the night thinking about situations from it over and over or about anxiety anticipating my next scheduled shift, what could go wrong etc for me it seems violin helps the most. If I get off and it’s really late though like midnight then I obviously can’t play my violin at that time in an apartment so instead I watch a show and try to really engage with it to take my mind off stress

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It’s gonna be so cool getting my paycheck Friday. Will make me feel accomplished , worked 22 hours this week

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Is everyone ready for fall? It’s in the 90s here. It’s hot and humid as hell. I want cooler weather and pumpkin spice stuff lol

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Made dinner. Risotto with roasted broccoli (garlic and lemon).

Things are okay. I was a bit lightheaded earlier. Even with taking iron supplements.

I see the naturopath tomorrow going to ask about like food sensitivities and iron deficiency as well.

I think I have tendonitis in my left forearm area. I strained it a couple months ago doing bicep curls, and I rested it for a long time. Now it hurts whenever I stretch my arm out and pick something up. I see my regular doctor on Tuesday going to talk about it.

Otherwise work is work. Wanting to get more tattoos. I’m getting two more at the end of the month (spider and butterfly). Itching for more right now. But money… sigh.

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I'm incapable of doing things though. If it's my choice to not want to do anything, I deserve to die. And you all know it.

There's no one that is like this (On Earth). If there is, let me know.

I must be the person most worthy of contempt in existence.

I'm a psychonaut. I do so many different things, that aren't "natural". I want to know secrets of how to free myself from this world.

I refuse to live, because I'm not a free spirit in any way. I want it all gone. And no one gets it.

I guess I just don't want help. Reply to this, with what you really think of me - And I may go my own way, somewhere.

We love you dude and you don’t deserve to feel any of this.

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Thanks.. And..

The intellectual dark web.. I spent years there..

My life isn't traditional. I know secrets.

I will try to live, but I don't know enough. So I don't want people at work to talk to me (Cuz they will never understand what I went through - Of course, they went through things too), until I gather up enough information.. I have to catch up...

But if I am to talk to genius autist gf, and she says "You're one of two people that I could ever talk about *certain philosophical thoughts* with", that means something..

And the autist, dealer.. He spent 6k a month on cocaine (And almost ruined his business - I tried to help) - And he talked to me.. To understand how I was so positive, while explaining all the dark things that happened..

So many people have let me down though - No one's perfect.. I am the most imperfect... Non-Developed frontal lobe, destroyed my life. Abilify.

Anyways, I'll be ok. Just when people talk to me, I am so deep into my own reality.. trying to make sense of things - And they are not mind scrambled, just living life.. My mind has been stretched, distorted, broken apart, and put back together (The wrong way).. Nothing will ever be the same. And I have to live with that. Lol.

So I really didn't see this issue until I moved into this new house a year ago. I have withdrawn from humanity, I fear people, they make me feel anxious, nervous, and it's easier to just avoid them. It effects the dynamics of the house, some of the guys understand, some of the guys are frustrated. Now I've never made a mess I haven't cleaned up. No one has ever had to put away a dish of mine, but the issue is, I normally help out when nobody is around, so nobody sees my contribution, and this is becoming an issue in the house. =( At work I'm great, but even when I come home I struggle. The guys invited me to a BBQ and I just couldn't do it, I was too nervous because I've just been through to much< i can't handle it. Not sure what I can do about this either, my father, who has my illness is the exact some way. We're super sensitive people, so we withdraw.

PRN codeine helped (No jk, don't quote me on this..)

But I searched some conspiries, had a shower, completed my dads bedding. He'll visit in a few hours.

You need a good extrovert friend! That will sometimes bring you out of your shell (When you feel up to it) - To socialize a little, and accepts/understands you for who you are. Then you go back to your introvert things. My mom does that =]

The only coworker (That doesn't bother me), she calls me "Shy", and asks me questions.. I stumble my words, and then leave quickly..

My plan is to make another blog.. But this time, to stick to it. If not much followers, that's ok (I can reference people to it). I want to use the Rumble algorithm or w/e, and incorporate ChatGPT (For ideas, and to help me). The theme will be.. all of the things I learn.. What do I even learn? Everything.. It would motivate me too - To keep learning more...

One sec I'll find the "List of things" (Somewhere in my notes) - It'll include journals, ideas, venting, random.. - I have to structure things better.. I haven't thought much about it yet (The structure behind it all).

It will help people, but also be a pathway of self improvement, and transcending my physical body, exploring altered states of consciousness... Psychonaut stuff (+ Mental health, overcoming that.. Trauma.. Experiences that I've had).

"Learning about water fasting/Nutrition
Meditation/Buddhism/Religions
Philosophy/Metaphysical thinking/Paganism/Mythology
Books/Podcasts/Memes/Art (Possibly AI art)/Music
Neuroscience
Pharmacology
Psychology
Anthropology
Conspiracies/Corruption
History
Chemistry
Poems/Songs/Creative writings (Although I don't do this anymore though)
Learning about DMT and other psychedelics
Organization"

Life.. Quotes and stuff.. Relationships.. Spirituality..

Idk.. I'm tired though.. I'll come back to this. Must sleep.. Oh! And also, living in this hippie town (Exercise activities, nature.. So pictures of hikes, mountains and stuff) (:

I got my first paycheck, it gets deposited sometime tonight after midnight. Really proud. It’s only for the first 11 hours I worked because I started working in the middle of a week. It’s $147. So the other 11 hours I worked I’ll get paid for next Friday for another $147.

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I have to work today from 12pm to 5pm they called me in

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Make sure to buy yourself something to keep the motivation going, it might be a meal or clothes or even a boba tea.

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Me too.

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More money!!

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They ended up having me stay till 6 instead of 5. Waiting for the bus to go home now

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