Roll Call 201

I started the propranolol today. I can take it every day up to two times a day for anxiety but I’m probably just gonna only take it before work or anything that gives me severe anxiety. I just took one now so I can get familiar with how it effects me , in case it has any side effects I didn’t want to take it for the first time before work in case I have any side effects.

I did take it years and years ago but I forget

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This lady I know from a day treatment program I was in several years ago I ran into her today. It has been a couple years since I saw her. She asked how old I am now and I said 29. And she asked if I had a kid and she was surprised because I’m 29 and don’t have a kid.

Like I don’t have any plans to have kids. I never have lol Why do people think you automatically have to have kids and have them by a certain age

Not everyone wants kids. I’m not the type that could handle that responsibility. I don’t deal well with stress to begin with. That would make me so unstable.

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Oh I get it. I’m turning 35 at the end of the month and I’m always asked about a husband and kids.

Like no? Leave me alone I don’t want kids and I’m single. ‘Oh you might change your mind’ - **** off.

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I try not to weigh myself because of anorexia, but I have to start weighing myself to track my health in case I do have like Crohn’s or something.

I weighed myself like a month or so ago? Apparently instead of gaining a bunch of weight like I thought I’ve lost like 7lbs.

We’ll see how much I weigh in a while. All this bloating and food stuff is eating at me and my anorexic brain is feeding off it.

Like I feel terrible so I don’t want to eat anything. It’s frustrating because I know I need to eat. I’m cutting out dairy, carbonated beverages, and artificial sweeteners to see if that makes me feel better. If not… well.

I think I’ll call the gastro doc on Monday see if I can get an in person appointment soon instead of a phone call Oct 12. It’s gone from just having lactose intolerance to iron deficiency, and now bloating and feeling sick when eating.

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Anyway, going to this vegan festival later today. Just something to do. It’s free to attend. Might find something in the market or find something from a food stall. Gluten free and vegan - I’m down. My sister hates anything that pretends to be meat or cheese (soy tofu, facon, vegan cheese). So we’ll see.

Like it said, it’s something to do on a Saturday. Free fun.

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Hope you have fun and get some good food! There’s a vegan cafe down the street from here. I’ve never tried it out but I hear great reviews from it even from people who aren’t vegan.

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Yeah, I’m not vegan myself but I do enjoy a lot of vegan food. And I’m big on advocating for vegan food being good. I hear lots of **** about people saying that vegan food is garbage and like cardboard so I always like to prove to people that any food is delicious if you know how to season your food.

I can say stuff about radical vegans and PETA and stuff, but a lot of stuff about vegan is positive and I’m totally down for vegan food.

I’m fact, I’m making two vegan dishes this week for dinner. Sweet potato and black bean enchiladas, and a sweet potato chickpea stew. I’m excited.

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Some good news is next Friday I’ll be able to completely pay off what I owe my college with some of this weeks paycheck and some of next weeks paycheck and can register for classes for January when the semester gets closer

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I woke up this morning feeling horrible! (I didn't get enough sleep hours) - I told my mom "Let the nukes just drop on us. Life is a dream". She gave me a hug cuz I said "This is really hard for me" (And she said "I know").

So I went to work, and I let my soul die (As I thought that my whole life, has been like this) - And started drinking coffee. After the 3rd cup, my soul came back, and I felt better.

That's why I want my psychiatrist to prescribe PRN 5mg Dexedrines - A big heavy bottle of them.

Had a good time at the vegan festival! Only there for about an hour and a half, but bought some good stuff.

I found this chocolate stall that had chocolate covered orange slices, chocolate covered veggie chips, and this chocolate bar with dried fruit (raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries).

Also found this local Filipino peanut butter (it’s extra sweet and more roasted than regular peanut butter). Some local tea (got this fruit tea, my sister got chai). And local hummus! Garlic jalapeño, curry masala, and coconut Thai.

Found this food truck with gluten free vegan Ethiopian food. Never really had Ethiopian food before and this was soooo good. Yummy.

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That looks good cogladaid!

I’m just baking some pillsbury buttermilk biscuits right now

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Trying to take my mind off things. Drinking mint tea to try to help with bloating. Been feeling ever since yesterday.

Maybe the bloating is the iron pills? I don’t know. Going to go off them for a few days and see how I feel.

Idk otherwise I worry I have Crohn’s or cancer or something.

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Apparently I’m supposed to be taking my Thorazine twice a day, once in the mornings and once before bed. So I’ve been taking it wrong all this time. I’ve been taking two in the evening and struggling to get up in the mornings. Thorazine is really calming and I’m wondering if taking it the way it’s supposed to be taken will help some with my anxiety and paranoia about work, I’ve not been able to calm down since I started working. My brain just won’t shut off and I check my work email and schedule at least 50 times a day on my phone. I know it sounds excessive but it’s what I’ve been doing. I can’t focus on anything else.

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It’s a BID med so it’s supposed to be taken , then taken again 12 hours later, according to my doctor

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I didn't believe this at first, but yeah, I still have a way more to go before I heal from PTSD. Or maybe this is it. I'm not toxic anymore, I no longer go in fight mode, but fear still plays a key factor in my life. I fear social interactions. So my flight response is triggered, it's a hair trigger too. I try and try to throw myself into the common area to clean and what not, but I'm too scared. I've been throwing out the trash and stuff, but I don't know, I can't keep this up living here without doing chores. Today I emailed a couple new places to live where I wouldn't live with a group. I hope it works out. Rent would be cheaper and it would be way closer to work.

I'm just taken back by how much I fear human interaction in a group living situation. The PTSD with the SZ is strangling me.

Do you have a therapist…they can really help with human interaction

My music stand came for my violin sheet music/sheet music books. I’ll post a pic in a second.

I don’t have work till Thursday unless they call me in. And I have Tuesdays off anyway because I volunteer that day with the cats. So the only days they can really call me in are tomorrow which I doubt they will because they would have already by now and Wednesday, which we’ll see. I have a monthly meeting with my program manager on Wednesday and an inspection. Tomorrow I have my every three month pest control inspection thing. I’m gonna cook some hamburger helper tomorrow with my new pan. I need to season the pan first which I’ll do tonight.

Not really sure what to do with myself the next few days till work. I get a $200 bonus from my bank account for being a new account and having direct deposit set up. That will be deposited on Tuesday. Which is nice. Then I get paid Friday for the previous week which will be like $240. Plus I still have like $95 left from my first paycheck. It’s nice to not be broke all the time now.

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Here it is

I will be able to pay off what I owe my college completely by this Tuesday!!!

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I’m having auditory hallucinations from being up for 24 hours

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Hugs dude….I’m. It feeling great either, super irritable

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I'm horribly confused and lost. I'm tired.

My dreams were more unbelievably vivid than necessary. My dream imagery is insane. Who TF comes up with that stuff.

I vaped too much nicotine. I feel crappy. I want to order a pizza but I don't want to wait in the lobby for it. I wish I could be home with a carton of cigarettes.

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I don’t know what to do with myself the past few days I’ve had off from work. I don’t go back till Thursday. I’m bored and can’t focus on anything. At least I have my volunteering tomorrow at Petsmart.

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Hope you feel better

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