Roll Call 201

Is there a reason you have to journal, is your therapist or pyschiatrist requiring it? Could you instead spend time writing your novel since you enjoy that more

My new shirt

Was thinking of buying a new laptop but instead I bought a replacement charger for my current one since the old one broke and am gonna get the battery replaced professionally at a computer place. Then it will be good as new. Plus it's only 3 years old. Would be stupid to buy a new laptop when I just got this one for $900 three years ago which is a lot of money. Also gonna clean the screen and put a blue light blocking glass screen protector on it.

I bought 1296x pieces of 4mg nicotine gum on Amazon for 200 dollars. It would have costed 1200 dollars.

I will quit soon..

Have today off. Have a meeting with my program manager @1pm. Other than that plan on practicing violin, taking a shower , and just enjoy the day off

Been on a drinking binge but I'm completely out of alcohol now, feel like complete shyt, and I have therapy tomorrow so I'm going to end it today (edit: I mean the bender not my life just clarifying). Folks elsewhere on the boards were making me feel bad lol. There's also something about the Lybalvi that makes me not want to drink so heavily either (I guess the samidorphan?)

My new thing is listening to

I don’t think people are trying to make you feel bad, they’re just worried about you. I’ve been reading some of your posts and you do seem that you really need help right now.

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Yeah, I kinda realize that now. I'm just hoping outpatient can be enough, but I'll let my therapist determine that tomorrow.

ugh my mom's drunk and screaming her head off. I don't think she even realized I left the kitchen haha at least I'm not like that when I drink

You are loved MuddyBoots!

Very good day today. One of the best days, as my soul.. Is opening. To the Gods.

I thought it was Friday - And my mom was like "No it's Thursday!", so I spit my meds out, and went back to sleep. Didn't have to work today.

I sat outside in the sun, and watched some videos, listened to music. I walked downtown to buy some treats, and a Gatorade.

My autist friend is addicted to putting inflatable dildos up her butt and coding - So I'm leaving her alone.

I talked with my aunt, mom, dad, snapchat, messenger (Research Chemical friends) - Productive? Idk.. I try. I'll try and read more of the book "Brave New World" later tonight.

Good morning. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in a couple hours. Also have a meeting with my program manager (it was supposed to be yesterday but was rescheduled to today). Then I have work from 7:30pm to 11:30pm

Got paid today. Paid for this weekends violin lesson. Paid my phone bill. Bought cat litter and cat food.

the fun stuff: I bought a hydro flask water bottle to motivate me to drink more water. And because it keeps drinks cold. My current reusable water bottle is plastic and nothing stays cold in there for long. Also got a zip up hoodie since the weather will be getting colder soon. Oh and a pedometer. Like a basic step old school step counter you can clip on to your belt. I don’t feel like investing in a Fitbit again right now because I already have a digital watch and the only thing I’d really care about is the step counter because that’s what motivates me to keep moving. Also every Fitbit I’ve had has just randomly stopped working in like a year to a year and a half from buying it. They’re too expensive for that to happen. I do like them but they’re not in the budget right now. The pedometer I bought cost $18. All it does is count steps and that’s all I need right now.

Therapy today. Not sure what to say.

I do not want to go to work. But it’s only 4 hours and I have three days off after tonight.

3 days!! You get your well needed, blessed rest. And wonderful life, doing things..!!

Doing things.. Or the choice to not do things.. + Contemplate, this existence - With love.. From family, your bf, us, and the world! That loves you..

When you're there, you are alive (Within the mind - Remember..) - If not, we push through.. How long has I survived, and you survived.. All of this. Miracle - That's why and how, like magic.

While the sun sets, you dream.. Wake up early like you do - It rises.. The light shines for us all, it's where we came from.. Exploding stars. Moving throughout the galaxy, spinning.. You can do what-ever-it-is-that-you-want (Within boundaries of all our lives).

The rotating, spiralling, forever fractal.. That no one will ever truly know - But experience. The journey is supposed to be good (Our neurotransmitters are like "We need to function electrically properly - To match the computation of 1's and 0's, making consciousness and meaning - Within-My-Mind, that reflects now, to BB's-Mind" ).

And the emotions flood, melting.. Hallucinating the dreams and thoughts, reflecting ...

The reality patterns have to align properly.. with everything.. It's like in math class.... Using the protractor - But for humanity, and the stars.. Constantly alligning everything with itself..
A massive crystal
Light just going through - >>>>>
GOES THE WRONG WAY
REFLECT
REFLECT WHAT EVER THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY - I AM COMMUNICATING - I AM THE SUN. I AM THE SOUL. I AM GOD. ALIEN. SHADOW. PRETTYYYY SEEE THE LIGHTT WHAT MORE IS THERE THAN LIGHT QUANTUM PARTICLES STAR DUST FIREWORKS!

Jk, but that's how it goes

That’s really beautiful Deosoxyn

Ughhhh it’s been a long day. I woke up at 5am. It’s 5:30pm now. I head out in about 40 minutes to get the bus to work. Idk why I’m dreading it so much. It’s just 4 hours. My anxiety is just bad today. I took a propranolol earlier. I might take another one before I go. I can take up to two a day. The idea of quitting keeps floating around in my head when I’m thinking negatively but I know I shouldn’t. It’s just stressful. Maybe some day it will get less stressful. Idk. I haven’t been able to relax or focus on anything all day today because of anticipating work tonight. So I didn’t really do much. I played a game of magic the gathering with my bf but that’s about it. And did laundry.

I just have to keep telling myself it’s 4 hours. Then I can come home and relax and not have to go back till Tuesday.

Is it weird that every shift I think in my head to myself that I will quit after this shift. It gives me relief oddly enough even though I don’t end up quitting. Telling myself at every shift that I can quit and never come back if I want makes it a little easier to deal with day by day

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At work. An hour and 45 minutes left. I’ll get home like half past midnight. Then I work again tomorrow from 8:45am to 12:45pm because they asked

On my way home

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I’m home. Got back early because the bus actually showed up. Gonna relax tonight then get ready early in the morning for my shift.

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