Roll Call 201

All my groceries are here and put away now. Just had some jalapeño poppers. So good. Don’t recommend taking a bite of one immediately after it comes out of the oven though. The cheese gets extremely hot. I know that and knew it was a bad idea but I was super impatient and hungry. Lol so I burnt my lip/mouth. But it’s okay. Anyway yeah. My sister is gonna drop off the memory foam pillow this weekend. And I have a new comforter I bought. Eventually I’m gonna replace the crappy furniture that came with my apartment with my own. Next week I’m gonna buy a lamp, some new sheets, more memory foam pillows and a Sherpa lined blanket.

Next summer I’ll buy a nice futon to replace the peeling loveseat that I have now. And I’ll get a new mattress to replace the crappy one that came with the apartment. And a new lounge chair to replace the crappy armchair.

Basically all the furniture I have that came with the apartment is really cheap and pleather so it’s all peeling just simply because I’ve lived here for 4 years and that kind of stuff doesn’t hold up well. The mattress is vinyl so it’s not super comfortable and the vinyl on it is falling apart too. So yeah I’m gonna save money from November through June then replace this stuff

I got sucked in and we did amphetamines talking together every single day (Often for hours at a time) for ~2 years. I don't regret - But she pushed, like *wanting to live me* right away etc..

This happened before. But AvPD autist friend is genius, and means no harm.

Now I'm doing my own things mostly.. I don't think I'm a sexual weirdo though - But those people like me cuz I don't judge and am empathetic.

But she needs to get off speed, clean room, exercise, go outside, socialize... And not.. Code all day. We're gonna do some Python in an hour.. I like learning, and she's very loving.. I said no sex though from beginning. So that upset her, over and over again.

I was tortured. Cuz of my empathy. Only now I realize that boundaries are needed. What ever you do, it can't be as bad as me - Although I've been constantly constructing my reality with philosophical and spiritual thoughts, overcoming DPDR, and getting off olanzepine.

I would still spend time with my family, go on vacations, hiking, working, attending to goals (But important here - The goals weren't attended to.. So I have to make priorities). She's just a friend now.. It will stay that way.

I feel burnt out from my job just 2 months into it. Idk if that’s normal or not. I found myself thinking about the future and being there for a year or more and the thought of sui entered my mind as a better option. I don’t know if I’m depressed I just hate it and hate the people there. It’s such a toxic environment. The customers, the management, the coworkers. All of it.

I’m trying to make it a year then probably leave. Because I don’t think I can put up with it for longer than than necessary. I just want a year of experience to be able to put on a resume

In other news I’ve avoided social media (Facebook) the past couple days and my anxiety is a lot less. Cause I’m not getting information overload and scrolling for hours etc. Not that it’s made me more productive. I didn’t really do anything today. Just listened to a lot of music and watched a show with my bf. But it’s better than scrolling endlessly. It’s such a time vortex, like I’ll go on there planning to be on for 5 minutes or so and then 4 hours later I’m still refreshing and scrolling for no actual reason. I went on for 5 minutes today though and actually only stayed on for 5 minutes just to check on some of my favorite cats on my Facebook cat groups I’m in lol

I’d say for a job like that start looking for something better in six months, you don’t need to wait a year.

Yeah I probably will. I’ve been there 2 months now about. Got 4 months left then. Then I can start looking for something else.

I got my covid and flu shots today.

I cooked dinner for later. The Big Mac sloppy joes. First time I’ve actually cooked in months.

Turned 26 today.

I'm susceptible on birthdays to be overly pessimistic, to look back on my life as a waste, ruined by schizophrenia. But today I'm trying to force myself to view it differently, to appreciate my friends, my hobbies, the little things that make life worth living. A cigarette and coffee in the morning, a good book, a good movie, an engrossing video game. It's hard, but I'm trying at least. Here's to another year of my life, hopefully.

Happy birthday falcon!

I got both of those a few days ago as well. I always get really sick for one day after vaccines, but wasn't too bad this time around.

Good day today! I had a good, long sleep - When I came home from work, we went for a walk (To the lake), came home - And then went to another lake, to see an indigenous performance (By a teepee) - It was pretty cool, all spiritual/philosophical, music, drums, electric guitar, singing - As the sun set, moon.. Now we're back home again, and will walk into town to see a drone show (:

I’m trying to cut way back on sugar intake. Like no sugary drinks, and rarely have any kind of pastry (occasionally for a holiday like Halloween for example I’m making pumpkin bread) but other than that no candy, ice cream etc. I’m already having intense cravings for it. It’s gonna be difficult but I’m gonna try to do it. Try to see how it affects me. I’ve been addicted to sugar for way too long. Like I get irritable and withdrawal symptoms, cravings when I go without it. It’s crazy. I need to cut back on it a lot.

The Big Mac sloppy joes came out amazing, they tasted so good. And I have leftovers for the next three days.

Next meal I plan on cooking is next Friday I’m making skinless boneless chicken breast tenderoin cut up into small pieces and cooked with steamed veggies and brown rice with some teriyaki sauce

All in all I had a really good day today. I got my covid and flu shots. I actually cooked and the food came out really good. Practiced violin and ukulele for a couple hours. Played a game of magic the gathering with my bf over video chat.

Played some games on my phone. (Pokemon Go and the Hello Kitty game)

Listened to a lot of good music, watched an episode of supernatural.

I’m supposed to hang out with my friend tomorrow morning but idk if I’m gonna be able to because it’s midnight and I’m wide awake still. And idk how I’ll feel tomorrow from the shots I got today.

I have my violin lesson in the afternoon. Looking forward to it. I feel like I’m getting better some.

I have stimulant and mushroom induced hypomania. Good thing I don't get manic!

I wanted to



two nights ago. So I have underlying issues - Which my psychiatrist knows about. It can get the darkest of the dark.

And I see all of the reddit posts about those types of thoughts. I wish I could help them.. I really do...

There's just too many of the posts.. And there's hundreds every hour.. It's horrible.

I try to lift people up with every post I make... Except when I'm extremely low myself.

I try to live....

I never really get hypomanic either. I'm always rational and have empathy. I rarely have to say sorry for being insensitive.

I just go into tangents that go off point a lot when I write, talk etc.

Cuz of the isolation that has happened. Sometimes I'm not all there.

But I can be smart sometimes.

I'm going to try to make a living as a writer, know it won't be easy necessarily, but I have enough saved up that I can make ends meet for now.

Having a good day so far. Last day off before I go to work tomorrow. Making the most of it.

Did a load of laundry, made my bed, washed all the dishes, brushed teeth, took morning meds, ate, fed the cats. Spent like an hour or longer reading a book on my kindle fire. Have my violin lesson later today at 3pm. I get my new comforter for my bed today. And the memory foam pillow. So my bed will be more cozy. Just drinking some coffee now and listening to music. Trying to decide what else to do. I might read more. Or play a videogame. Probably both. It’s only 10:30am.

The games I’ve been playing lately are:

Mobile games:
Hello Kitty
Pokémon Go

Xbox games:
Life is Strange

Gonna meditate for 30 minutes as well and take a shower

Happy birthday, falcon!!!

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I now have 4 hours of paid sick time available. My shifts lately are typically 4 hours. So if I ever need to I have enough to cover a whole day off and get paid for it. If I get overwhelmed mentally or something and need a day off

I’m trying to hang onto it and keep accumulating more though in case I get physically sick this fall/winter

I’m basically just trying to push through the holiday season and wait till January before I take a paid day off. Trying to make sure it’s worth it and I have something fun planned. And maybe schedule it before a weekend so I have like 4 days off in a row. I have Tuesdays, fridays, Saturdays and Sundays off. So maybe on a Thursday. But yeah just gonna power through the holiday season even if it will be stressful.

Studying some music theory. My violin lesson is in an hour.

Everything's going so well =[

Not sure if I've felt this content and accomplished in my life. I cleaned the bathroom, bought 70 dollars worth of toiletries (I write down everything in my "reminders" app.. It took years and years, to build this habit... Or any of my habits..)

It's just constant good habits that I've built over years and years.. (Maybe past 3-4 years mostly). It just intensifies, after..

The frontal lobe..

..developed..