Roll Call 202

I was kind of impulsive with money for awhile too so I’m having to tone it way down the next several months with my spending cause I’m not where I want to be financially right now, money is tight. I have my essentials though so that is what matters but I’d prefer not to be broke between paychecks too.

I stopped at the store on my way home today and got some Christmas tree little Debbie zebra cakes

Tomorrow I’m going to catch up on all my cleaning and laundry that I’ve neglected the past week due to being busy with working extra hours and shifts.

Also gonna draw some because someone on a game related forum I’m on requested some art on my art thread there , so I’ll do that and post it for them

I’ve been at my job 2 months and 20 days so far. Crazy how fast time flies. It hasn’t been super long but it’s just a shock to me cause I never believed I’d be able to ever hold down a job

Also me and my boyfriend have been together going on 8 months

I think I pushed myself a little too much this week. With work and just generally not sleeping well, skipping an entire night of sleep. Not sleeping much other nights. The amount of physical activity. I’m having a panic attack right now and I can’t tell why and I also feel nauseous. The only thing I can think of is stress and physical exhaustion. Also I didn’t eat today until I got home from work at 4pm. I didn’t have time to eat breakfast or anything else today

Today was pretty good. Didn't get much sleep last night so I had to take a nap this afternoon. I woke up and couldn't breathe for like 4 seconds. Not a big deal looking back but it's terrifying then.

It appears my palms are noticeably better. For years I was taking benadryl for a sleep aid, which I probably have a bad reaction to because my palms started getting bad. Kinda like stigmata that you hear about catholic priests getting. But a few months ago I stopped taking benadryl just hoping it was the cause. If they get back to normal it will be so unbelievable. For years I've had to hide my palms from everyone, and I had to put hand lotion on them about every 30 minutes.

Tomorrow's my walking day. I can hardly wait to get out!

I love those!!!

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Good morning , woke up early. Got two loads of laundry done and it’s only 6:30am. Also cleaned and changed the litterbox, ate, brushed my teeth and took my morning meds. Gonna do the rest of the cleaning a little later. Still have to sweep/mop, take out the trash, vacuum, and clean the bathroom. Have the day off today

Accumulated an hour of paid sick time off in the past couple weeks of work. Also have 0.66 hours of paid time off. Which is nothing, but PTO accumulates a lot slower than paid sick time off. Trying to accumulate like enough paid sick time off in case I get sick sometime this winter with a flu or something so I don't have to worry about missing work. Trying to not use it though, ideally I'd like to save enough to take a paid week off in the summer and still have leftover in case I ever get sick

I work Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday this coming week. Not looking forward to Black Friday and Saturday. I have to clock in at 6:45am both days. And Saturday it’s an 8 hour 15 minute shift, which is the longest shift I’ve had since we did inventory when I first started working there. I did an 8 hour shift then too but that’s the only time I’ve done a shift that long. It’s gonna be hectic as hell being the holiday weekend. It’s hectic on regular weekends so I can only imagine it will be pure chaos. I don’t even know what I’m gonna be doing the first couple hours those two shifts because I have to clock in at 6:45am and the store doesn’t even open to customers till 9am. Probably recovery on the sales floor and organizing. I’m scheduled to cashier those days too which sucks because it’s gonna be so busy it’s gonna be insane. I’d rather be on the sales floor the whole day those days but I know that won’t happen.

I was supposed to do recovery all day yesterday but they had me cashiering for half the day because a cashier called out. It’s like every day cashiers call out. Idk what’s up with that. Earlier in the week I covered for a cashier who called out and one who went home early. I’ve barely been able to make any progress with the talent captain stuff because they keep needing me to cashier cause they’re so short staffed all the time, and do recovery also cause the store is a wreck. I feel like there should be some etiquette requirements in stores for customers. Like don’t throw **** everywhere, it’s really not hard to at least put something back on a rail even if you don’t put it in the right place. All of it has to be cleaned up over and over. Or a shelf. Some people leave their carts at the register. Like right there, and there’s a line behind it. So absurd. People lay clothes over the rails. Please don’t do that if you go into a clothing store. lol it just has to be fixed over and over. It’s a pain. There’s tons of clothes that are just hung over top of clothing rails laying across it. People are really frustrating sometimes.

I might use my employee discount to shop there for Christmas presents for family. Might as well. Will save me money. They have some really nice stuff. Also, I haven’t ever shopped there. I get paid next Friday should be able to do some Christmas shopping after I get off Friday afternoon

I'm less autistic and schizophrenic now.

I wonder if I should become a waiter or cook (At the restaurant) when I get back (Cuz I'm prescribed a lot of dextroamphetamine, real awake and focused..) - But also, I like just doing minimum dish washing and prep-cooking at work, cleaning etc (For 3-4 hours, 3x mornings a week)..

So I have a lot of time.. I wish I could create a business or something.. Mainly, I want to make money, somehow.. I'm just not good at networking and stuff..

Gen Z's are really good at that stuff - I'm a Gen Z, but older, and grew up when technology was really ******, and without social media. I still did drugs/alcohol, didn't get a degree, had zero friends as a teenager, was lonely and isolated etc.

It's tough. I maintained a good amount of personal responsibility, and I'm okay!.. More than most people.. I don't desire a lot of the lives that most people do, my cognition is good now, I'm okay with my severely introverted self.... As long as I'm not around people that make my life hard.

My grandmother (For example), she sits and argues with people on FB (In the dark), all day, all night.. In a mansion, alone. I should just do what ever makes me happy - But I want that "Self-Actualization" - And I plan to get that... Then *transcend*... All awareness of myself, the world, reality, and beyond..

I have a compass.. And know what I'm doing.. I should have faith in that.. And I do.. I know things about the world that others don't (While being very very stoned on psychoactive chemicals, DPDR and psychosis)...

I'll figure out a way. Until then, I enjoy.

No.. I just need to meditate.. But I know within self, what I should do.. On top of everything, now... Just need to extract my soul more, and then expand.. Directed to the heart of the universe..

I'll be gone, far away. And I will come back with the gold.. I will give, to all of the sufferers.. And have a magical time, showing us all - Magic. Many people will put me down, and lift me up - We're all doing that.. 1's and 0's..

Like colours and bright lights, flowing around, inside of a glass ball - Look into the glass ball.. See the future.. The past.. Right now..

Right here, right now..

But anyways, I'll go on vacation for 3 weeks (Next week), to Vancouver Island. It'll be fun! Always gotta have a goal.. Cuz most people have no idea what they're doing.. And suffering too.. If you know truly what you're doing within your soul?, then you can withstand the suffering of life..

And that is they key, in this infinite magic ball.. I do, um.. have an addiction to government conspiracies RN, too many interests.. I'm just, feeling around.. Yknow.. I am free (For now) - And we will always be trapped, free, trapped, free again (Like reincarnation).

I think I’ve been managing my borderline personality disorder pretty well. Meditation and mindfulness helps. I’m still taking my meds and I’m therapy of course. But I feel like I’ve made an immense amount of progress in the last 10 years. I was the definition of chaos and recklessness and impulsivity etc back in my teens and early 20’s. Tons of hospital stays, 3 suicide attempts, getting high on stuff to the point of blacking out one time, binge drinking, cutting, not being able to maintain a relationship and wrecking every single one I was in. I still deal with mood swings and paranoia and impulsivity but it’s on a much lesser scale now. It’s don’t act on every impulse. And it’s been well over 5 years since I was last inpatient in the hospital. I haven’t drank or gotten high on anything in years. I have job. Have been in a healthy relationship for 8 months. I feel like there’s so much stigma against people with BPD, but I have made it to the other side finally. I’m still impulsive in some areas in my life. Still get paranoid, still have mood swings, still think in black and white (all or nothing) sometimes, But I’m able to cope and enjoy life. My doctor wouldn’t even diagnose me with it at this point because I’ve improved significantly. I think I’ll always have it. It may have calmed down, it’s still there. But I think it’s under control. I just have to stay on top of it and manage it the best I can like I have been. I don’t act on every impulse. I’ve impulsively wanted to break up with my boyfriend for no reason (just mood swings) probably a dozen times in our relationship but I haven’t. I used to act on every impulse and destroy every relationship I had.

I still feel like I have a long way to go. Eventually I want to move out of supportive housing. And maybe eventually someday work full time after I’ve gotten a college degree. I can’t do retail full time. That would be too much. But a different type of job I could probably manage full time someday. But in the mean time I’ll keep doing my retail part time job and gaining experience. I’m 29. I feel like I shouldn’t be this far behind in life but I’m working on becoming fully independent.

Anyway, my violin lesson went well today. Have another one next Sunday. I should have time to practice everyday this week. Tomorrow I work from 11am to 3pm.

I felt tired. Small dose ket. Posted antennas, LSD infinity, religious, pictures of static on my FB.

I'm fine now nvm

Mental confusion and hopelessness. Need olanzepine and benzo. I'll go to sleep... I just wanted, some meaning, outside of this room.. This house.. It's like I'm stuck in hot tar, and can't escape...

Edit: I just find myself rocking back-and-forth, having my hands in my hair. Lol.. But no I'll sleep...

I’ve gotten a total of 4 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours. I feel horrible. I’m so exhausted. I want to call out from work but I am not gonna. I’m just gonna try to get it over with then I have tomorrow off. I just hope they don’t ask me to stay late today