Roll Call 202

I started the 1.5mg of Vraylar this morning. Seems kind of speedy.

I was looking at my genome, and the dopamine gene mutations - I don't understand them. It brought me into a scattered rabbit hole, where I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

My alertness, attention and concentration is good though, very good.. What else am I to do.. I don't make sense. I'm nonsense.

Interesting to think about for me just because I talk/write “incoherently” so often.

So all the stuff has been getting worse for me again. I had 12 rounds of bilateral ECT in 2021.. I need more of it because holy **** it helped me. A lot.

It’s not nearly as scary as it sounds. Promise.

We’re very happy you’re alive!!! =]

Today, another 1.5mg of Vraylar. I felt very slightly sedated (Like an apathetic antidepressed state, kind of lazy or something, but feeling good).

Tomorrow, I take another - It will be the 3rd day sober/drug free (Except nicotine gum and coffee). I plan to be sober for about a month or more (I can do many other psychonaut things that don’t involve psychoactive substances such as meditation, mindfulness, experiencing new things - Cuz remember all of this schiz stuff happened when I was basically a kid. I needed to figure out reality.. How was I supposed to do that in complete isolation of all forms/solitary confinement?).

One thing that’s interesting is that my cognition isn’t better, but it’s stronger.. I don’t get frustrated as easily (Could also be because of stopping small doses of the worlds most addictive substances). I think meditation would be really helpful in strengthening these types of abilities that I can gain. I can concentrate on high cognitive load tasks for longer without feeling pain or anxiety.

And of course, I’d always leave time for the hyper novelty - And when I do that, I mean what I do best.. The craziest seeking of truth, knowledge, wisdom - Back then, I did it all in my head with internalized focus (Introspection is good, and entertains me.. I just need to socialize so I can formulate my ideas, concepts, thoughts, trying to agree mutually on our subjective patterns recognition etc). Externalized focus is more stimulating hypernovelty - In visual and auditory form (I was deprived of this type of hypernovelty cuz there was only 100GB of wifi per month in the prairies, and I used it all in trying to connect with people cuz I was lonely - But moving to this new place, I’ve been learning so much with a balanced life every day since 2019 -*I-Learned-A-Lot*, from the neuroplasticity from the big trip - I took in a lot of information very quickly).

Nature is also novelty, I try to get out more for hiking etc - We’re going for another massive hike in 2 months for my birthday, so I gotta be fit for that - And exercise increases BDNF and all feel good chemicals, also neurogenesis.

After getting off olanzepine using ket once I was stable, I saw “life is life” more and more.. Now I’m not afraid of death (Except when I had severe heart-OCD, but that could have actually helped with the process). Evil is for against life, and I want to transcend, have self-actualization, love and have fun, help others etc, try to be a good person - And reach for the stars, or most beautiful human realms I can realize on this earth, then up there to the astral/ethereal realm etc, looking at the heavens, knowing the hells anyone is capable of, my shadow, all that.

The zopiclone has kicked in.. I must.. fall asleep..

Hugs to all ^-;

I’m doing well. The med increases are helping a lot. I’ve been sleeping every night. My mood is a lot more level. I’m not irritable af all the time now. I’m not impulsively texting all the time, I have a habit of texting my sister especially every thought and whatnot that comes into my head when I’m manic and I know it can get overbearing and I feel bad about that but I haven’t messaged her in like 5 days except last night because she said she’s gonna come over today and bring some takeout. I stopped impulsively breaking up with my boyfriend.

I’m not feeling hypersexual anymore, that was like through the roof. I recall getting this way last spring as well.

I stopped obsessively applying for jobs. My psychiatrist said it’s good I quit the retail job because I shouldn’t be working at a job that’s hours are so unpredictable especially with the late shifts and it screwing up my sleep.

So yeah just focusing on getting better now

I cleaned today. First time I’ve cleaned in quite awhile. My apartments been a whirlwind of a mess lately. So that’s good. Last thing I have to do is vacuum

I have a volunteer shift tomorrow. They texted and asked if I could cover another’s shift. Then I have two Sundays in June that I’m volunteering also because they need someone to volunteer two Sundays a month so I’m doing that too.

I finished vacuuming. Took a shower. Waiting for my sister to let me know what time she’s coming over. Apartment looks pretty good.

I’m taking a social media break for 3 months, so if you don’t see me around here or on Facebook that’s why , I’m not in the hospital I’m just taking a break cause I feel like I’m on my phone too much sometimes.

I want to take a break from Discord. It's pure torture.