Roll Call 202

Better on 10mg of diazepam.

I'm going to try and get into a long term flow state.

Work went well. I got my schedule for the next two weeks. I have tomorrow off. I work Friday and Saturday. Then I get Sunday off which is nice cause it’s Easter Day. Have a headache. Probably from staring at a computer screen watching training videos for hours. lol. But yeah I’m coded to do cashiering, sales floor, and shipments and processing.

I'm doing so well today!! *Cries*

Hello, having a good day off. Didn’t really do much but I did start watching the movie Violent Night which is like a Christmas movie that’s also kind of like Die Hard. I’m about halfway through. Gonna finish it later tonight.

Tomorrow I work from 1pm to 5pm.

There’s this thing at work where you get a pin when you hit 1 year employment there, then 3 years, 5 years and so on. Idk why but I’m super motivated to get a pin. Like it would be the stupidest little thing that motivates me lol

My bf and I are making shrimp scampi together over FaceTime next Sunday to celebrate our 1 year anniversary which is on that Monday the 8th. But we both have that Sunday off work so we’re celebrating that day.

So yeah I feel dead inside cause I haven’t had any caffeine in 3 days. But I’m gonna go buy more coffee tomorrow morning before I go to work. I could go buy it right now but I don’t feel up to it.

Good morning! I walked to the store earlier and bought some coffee

Got work from 1pm to 5pm. Looking forward to it.

It’s weird how my dissociation and panic attacks get better when I’m actively working. You would think it’d make it worse especially with my social anxiety but honestly starting that job I had previously was good experience and got me this job which I feel will be a less toxic environment. I always thought to myself I’d have to do like a job where there’s minimal interaction with people. I’m not saying it doesn’t get stressful or sometimes make me a little anxious but overall it’s the best thing I could have done for my social anxiety, throw myself into a very social job. Avoiding stuff like that just feeds the anxiety and makes it worse overtime. It’s better to face it head on. Avoidance is terrible for getting over social anxiety.

I’m gonna finish that movie when I get home tonight, I forgot to finish it yesterday, I fell asleep early.

My bf has tomorrow (Saturday) off work. I work tomorrow from 3pm to 8pm so we’ll probably watch a show and maybe play a game when I get home since neither of us work on Easter Sunday so we don’t have to be up early. Then we can enjoy Easter Sunday watching shows, talking, and playing games together.

I’m getting a 1 year anniversary gift for him, which is gonna be a chessboard, and one for me too. We’re basically gonna try to play chess with the actual boards over FaceTime. Something fun about playing with actual game boards, or cards. Which is why we play yugioh TCG and Magic the gathering with the actual cards. Which took a bit to get used to cause it’s a little complicated playing that way over video but we got used to it now it’s no problem at all.

Still learning how to solve a Rubik’s cube! So far I’ve got the white cross down and the four corners down too. I can do that pretty fast. There’s only like a couple more steps and I’ll have finally learned to solve one in it’s entirety.

The Easter Bunny was just here! So cute!!!! I don't know how she got into the room, there's a mattress blocking the door.

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Home from work. They had me do cashiering today. It was almost non stop busy. There were a few slow moments but it was mostly a steady stream of customers. Thankfully though the line didn’t extend throughout the store like it sometimes did at my last job. So yeah I started my cashier training today. It was a lot to learn. I mean it’s similar in some ways but different. Like all retail is similar but a little different in their processes and register software. So there was some new stuff to learn. But yeah, I’m worn out. My back hurts lol but I feel good. I don’t work until 3pm tomorrow so yay!! I can sleep in

I went on a vacation last week (this week technically). I guess I'm doing pretty well. (Well enough to go on a vacation). So that's cool. I'm glad I went. Since I was considering not going or at least doubting the ability I had to go since I recently had Covid.

I have been listening to The Brothers Karamozov by Dostoyevsky. It's good for the most part. I like the explications in it. Of different things. It's a book of ideas.

I have some work going on, though I'm not terribly excited about it.

I am still working on my thesis.

I always liked working retail. It was a bit nerve-wracking, but I liked it. Truly. I don't have that opportunity in the place in which I live, to work retail again, however, I'd love to work retail again. Until I have the opportunity (which realistically may never come), to work retail again, I will continue doing what I'm doing, which is a mix of translation and editing and things like that, but physical labor is much better for my mind to be honest.

Retail is nice for me because it’s so busy that there’s not a lot of time to think anxiety thoughts cause you’re constantly occupied doing stuff

I’m ordering takeout when I get home from work tonight. Partly for a kind of Easter celebration, partly because I know I’ll be too tired to go to the store to buy something and partly because I want to celebrate having a new job. But yeah, getting some McDonalds tonight from UberEats. Big Mac, fries, chocolate shake, ice cream sundae, and chicken nuggets. Yeah…. Don’t judge lol the chicken nuggets are for tomorrow lol know I’ll be super hungry when I get home. I work from 3pm to 7:45pm tonight so I’ll probably get home on the bus by around 8:30 -8:45pm.

I don't think there's a real chance of success for me cuz the world is so bleak.

I made my own success in a way.. spiritually, etc..

So I'll live my live in my own way. I don't even need a personality or anything. I'm just an entity or formation of computer code for this life.

I could self actualize - But I just see a low chance of even being okay within this reality in even 5 years.

So I enjoy life for now. I take the drugs to wake up and make it through the day, good enough for me.

I am in a bit of an existential nightmare/funk right now. I just find myself so depressed lately. Anyone have any tips to get out of it?

Happy Easter!

I just got diagnosed with ADHD lmao.

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Just got home from work. Did recovery on the sales floor the whole shift. Im worn out. Everything hurts, been standing for almost 6 hours straight. got over 12,000 steps today and I’ve been up since 3am and it’s almost 9pm right now. My bf paid for me to take an Uber to work. So I did that. I took the bus home though. But I have tomorrow off work thankfully. So I’m gonna order my food tomorrow. Don’t feel up to it tonight. I ran into my old supervisor from my last job on the bus tonight. She’s really nice. She was really the only nice person at that job. She said a lot of people left since I’ve left. I told her about my new job cause we were both getting off work right before we got on the bus tonight. Told her it’s a better environment for me and friendlier and more reasonable with their scheduling and she said she’s happy I found something especially something less stressful. Cause that place I worked before was a madhouse , it was busy constantly.

Had my McDonald’s which was awesome. I ordered it and it was here in in my hands under 15 min from the time I submitted the order. So fast.

I ordered the chessboards for my bf and I. So we’ll each have one. They should be here and there next weekend. Just in time for our 1 year anniversary.

I also got some new jeans and a new long sleeved t shirt.

Good morning. I work today, tuesday, thursday, friday, and saturday. It's only 4 hours - 4 hour 45 min shifts each time though so it's not too bad. Today I'm probably cashiering. Tomorrow I'm doing some kind of shipment processing so I'll have to be there early, 7am, but I get off at 11:45am. Today I work from 2pm to 6:45pm. Wednesday and Sunday are my days off. Wednesday I have a violin lesson and I'm gonna go grocery shopping, clean my apartment, and meal prep. Sunday my bf and I are celebrating our anniversary so we'll be cooking a meal together over FaceTime, and playing chess and watching some shows, and maybe some of the yugioh card game.

I either get paid this Friday or next friday. My first day was last wednesday. And they pay bi-weekly. Idk when their last pay was though so it's either this friday or next. Either way it should be a good size check.

I got the new battery for my laptop, it comes tomorrow. So I'm gonna put that in on Wednesday.

My anxiety in my home life is a lot less now that I've been working again. I'm not having panic attacks or dissociating. I have less time to sit at home overthinking things.\

Trying to make sure I have work/life balance. So am not thinking about work anxiety when I'm home. And am making time to practice violin, and do my other hobbies like art and gaming and watching shows, and reading. Spending time with my bf, keeping up with keeping my apartment clean, hygiene, sleep, eating balanced, spending time with my cats.

Random question but does anyone here have any experience with having social anxiety and working in retail? Does it get easier over time?. Probably what I struggle with most is customer interactions when I’m cashiering. It feels awkward and sometimes I trip up on what I have to say (they want us to offer them store credit cards etc) and I’m learning a new register system /software so there’s that too since it’s different from my last job and their processes vary in different ways.

I feel kinda slow sometimes, maybe it’s just because I’m learning a new register software. I’ve only had one day of training on their registers so far. Today will be the second day on register. Yesterday was sales floor. Tomorrow and Thursday I’m working on shipments. Which I’m not even sure what that entails. Like I think it’s taking stuff off the trucks or something. I’m sure I’ll get better at it. It’s only my 4th day there. I just worry about getting fired or something for not doing good enough or being slow at learning new stuff.

I was comfortable with the register system at my last job but that was 3 months of working there so I had time to get used to it.

I’m hoping this is the kind of job where a year from now I’ll be super comfortable with everything and kind of come out of my shell a bit more.

Idk. My biggest fear is getting let go. But I think I’ll be okay. Maybe. I’m trying at least. It’s not like I would be struggling financially if I lost the job but I would have my feelings hurt lol

Music and long brisk walks!

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