Roll Call 202

I started the 1.5mg of Vraylar this morning. Seems kind of speedy.

I was looking at my genome, and the dopamine gene mutations - I don't understand them. It brought me into a scattered rabbit hole, where I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

My alertness, attention and concentration is good though, very good.. What else am I to do.. I don't make sense. I'm nonsense.

Interesting to think about for me just because I talk/write “incoherently” so often.

So all the stuff has been getting worse for me again. I had 12 rounds of bilateral ECT in 2021.. I need more of it because holy **** it helped me. A lot.

It’s not nearly as scary as it sounds. Promise.

We’re very happy you’re alive!!! =]

Today, another 1.5mg of Vraylar. I felt very slightly sedated (Like an apathetic antidepressed state, kind of lazy or something, but feeling good).

Tomorrow, I take another - It will be the 3rd day sober/drug free (Except nicotine gum and coffee). I plan to be sober for about a month or more (I can do many other psychonaut things that don’t involve psychoactive substances such as meditation, mindfulness, experiencing new things - Cuz remember all of this schiz stuff happened when I was basically a kid. I needed to figure out reality.. How was I supposed to do that in complete isolation of all forms/solitary confinement?).

One thing that’s interesting is that my cognition isn’t better, but it’s stronger.. I don’t get frustrated as easily (Could also be because of stopping small doses of the worlds most addictive substances). I think meditation would be really helpful in strengthening these types of abilities that I can gain. I can concentrate on high cognitive load tasks for longer without feeling pain or anxiety.

And of course, I’d always leave time for the hyper novelty - And when I do that, I mean what I do best.. The craziest seeking of truth, knowledge, wisdom - Back then, I did it all in my head with internalized focus (Introspection is good, and entertains me.. I just need to socialize so I can formulate my ideas, concepts, thoughts, trying to agree mutually on our subjective patterns recognition etc). Externalized focus is more stimulating hypernovelty - In visual and auditory form (I was deprived of this type of hypernovelty cuz there was only 100GB of wifi per month in the prairies, and I used it all in trying to connect with people cuz I was lonely - But moving to this new place, I’ve been learning so much with a balanced life every day since 2019 -*I-Learned-A-Lot*, from the neuroplasticity from the big trip - I took in a lot of information very quickly).

Nature is also novelty, I try to get out more for hiking etc - We’re going for another massive hike in 2 months for my birthday, so I gotta be fit for that - And exercise increases BDNF and all feel good chemicals, also neurogenesis.

After getting off olanzepine using ket once I was stable, I saw “life is life” more and more.. Now I’m not afraid of death (Except when I had severe heart-OCD, but that could have actually helped with the process). Evil is for against life, and I want to transcend, have self-actualization, love and have fun, help others etc, try to be a good person - And reach for the stars, or most beautiful human realms I can realize on this earth, then up there to the astral/ethereal realm etc, looking at the heavens, knowing the hells anyone is capable of, my shadow, all that.

The zopiclone has kicked in.. I must.. fall asleep..

Hugs to all ^-;

I’m doing well. The med increases are helping a lot. I’ve been sleeping every night. My mood is a lot more level. I’m not irritable af all the time now. I’m not impulsively texting all the time, I have a habit of texting my sister especially every thought and whatnot that comes into my head when I’m manic and I know it can get overbearing and I feel bad about that but I haven’t messaged her in like 5 days except last night because she said she’s gonna come over today and bring some takeout. I stopped impulsively breaking up with my boyfriend.

I’m not feeling hypersexual anymore, that was like through the roof. I recall getting this way last spring as well.

I stopped obsessively applying for jobs. My psychiatrist said it’s good I quit the retail job because I shouldn’t be working at a job that’s hours are so unpredictable especially with the late shifts and it screwing up my sleep.

So yeah just focusing on getting better now

I cleaned today. First time I’ve cleaned in quite awhile. My apartments been a whirlwind of a mess lately. So that’s good. Last thing I have to do is vacuum

I have a volunteer shift tomorrow. They texted and asked if I could cover another’s shift. Then I have two Sundays in June that I’m volunteering also because they need someone to volunteer two Sundays a month so I’m doing that too.

I finished vacuuming. Took a shower. Waiting for my sister to let me know what time she’s coming over. Apartment looks pretty good.

I’m taking a social media break for 3 months, so if you don’t see me around here or on Facebook that’s why , I’m not in the hospital I’m just taking a break cause I feel like I’m on my phone too much sometimes.

I want to take a break from Discord. It's pure torture.

So much for avoiding social media lol I can’t stop going on it. I like sharing things

I’m doing well on my med increases. I had my volunteer shift yesterday with the cats. Then I went to a vision board making thing at my apartment buildings sister location. So it was a busy day. The program manager drove me there so I could attend. It was a lot of fun and I’m really happy with how my vision board came out. I hung it up next on the wall next to my bed

I got on the treadmill for 45 minutes today. Then after that I took a 10 min walk outside. As far as the rest of the day goes I just am gonna practice violin.

I’m finally below 170 lbs. I was stuck around 170-178 forever but I weighed myself today and I was 169. I’m trying to eat healthier. It’s hard cause I’m obsessed with sugary stuff but I’m trying to just keep it out of the house. According to a weight loss calculator thing I can eat around 1800 calories a day based on my activity level etc and reach my weight goal in 8 months.

My birthday is exactly 2 weeks away. I’m excited. Idk why. I’m not really doing anything for it but I still get excited. I’ll probably buy like some cheesecake or something for myself

I’m so exhausted from the med increases

I go in for my abilify injection tomorrow, wish my pharmacy gave them so I didnt have to ask a family member to drive me to the doc office every time, but oh well

That second last post I made on 05-19-24, 04:02 AM, Idk how I wrote that.

Right now I'm just feeling blah

Got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Gonna do another 15 minutes on it later. Also am taking a walk to the library soon to pick up a request.

Memorial Day weekend this weekend. Which means my bf has a three day weekend off work which is nice because we’ll get to spend some time together.

I’ve been working on learning Fur Elise by Beethoven on ukulele. And still am working up towards Vivaldis concerto in A Minor on violin. Mostly practicing scales lately on violin.

Plan on practicing both violin and ukulele today. Probably an hour of violin and maybe an hour of ukulele too.

Tomorrow I have to go get food. And stop by the pharmacy to pick up some of my meds.

Will probably clean tomorrow too. That way I can relax over the weekend.

The Vraylar makes me feel very good - So I tripped, and everything was metallic, and melting, like rain. I felt loved. I still do.

You are all loved too.

Hating existence RN

It was a better time, or the same.. as when in the basement. I’d rather be in the basement. I belonged there, doing nothing.. but altering my neurochemicals.

Bought a cake today. No reason other than cake is good.

I felt good all of a sudden last night, before I went to sleep. I talked to a random person that was rolling, and I made it more positive for him =]

I wish I was that positive all the time.

I hate showering even though every time I do I feel better afterwards. I just took one and feel a lot better.

I still take one 5mg edible in the evenings before bed and it helps me relax and get to sleep. I don’t take them during the day time unless it was like a weekend or a holiday or something where I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. Kind of starting to build a semblance of a tolerance which is good because that lessens the paranoia from it.

Happiness from today:

My sister came over. She brought McDonald’s, I had a Big Mac and a caramel frappe and she had chicken nuggets and fries. 🍟 she also brought me a bag of Death Wish coffee which is a local coffee company so that was really nice too! ☕️ It was good to see her!
I watched Five Nights at Freddy’s, it was really good! I have the games but never really played them because jump scares/horror games scare me 😂 😈
I finished reading a book! 📚
I got a permanent shift with the rescue cats volunteering. So I get to do every single Monday and 2 Sundays a month. So that’s exciting! It’s good for me to get out of the house and do something that makes me happy and feel good 😺🐈
My mood has picked up a lot! I’m feeling less blah than I have been feeling the past week
I got/get to spend time with my boyfriend today. We watched a couple episodes of Naruto over FaceTime. Next we’re gonna play some of the yugioh TCG together over FaceTime. ❤️🙂
I practiced ukulele today! Didn’t get around to the violin today but I plan on it tomorrow!