[Zack]

I'm merely 19 years old at the time of this writing, but I've always felt a sense of alienation and became (and still am) -very- socially withdrawn before I was even a teenager..to the point where I'd only leave my house to go to school (because I had to). I've been isolated a lot over the years, and have always been, or at least felt, like a real "loner" or "outsider"...one of those guys who observes, rather than participates, in modern society. Quite frankly, nothing brings me peace like solitude does, and I mean that in the most optimistic way possible. I've also got a low self esteem, and was bullied a lot in school, as well..to the point where my dad had to take me out of school for a whole year, just to do me a favor.

I've also lived with an alcoholic father for the past eight years, who drinks on an almost nightly basis. He tends to only think about himself and his needs, and I feel like he's been less than a "barrel of laughs" towards me this whole time. Regarding emotions, I've also noticed that I'm rather apathetic towards most things that I encounter..and tend to only express emotion whenever I'm reacting angrily or am feeling depressed. I'll also smile and laugh at very few things..

I also write poems (have been seriously writing since the summer of 2007), and have periods of "creative thinking", during which I am easily able to come up with lines and rhymes for my writing in the form of freelancing, but otherwise, my mind and thought process feel dull and inconsistent..which leaves me depressed and bored while trying to write. Most of the poems I've done are rather cynical and depressing, though.

Most of the time, I feel rather unmotivated and effortless. I also have periods where I'll be thinking of something in particular, and the thought will be interfered by another, and then the two will mix up and I can't get back to the original thought for awhile. It's like I can't put the full thought into my mind, just bits and pieces, while another tries to squeeze it's way into my thoughts. I just give up trying to think about it until a later time.

Whenever I was in middle school, I felt as if I had social anxiety, was very shy, and would rarely talk to most of the people in my classes..I only felt comfortable around a select few acquaintances and had fewer close friends.

I can't say that I've experienced auditory hallucinations, but I do think that I've experienced delusions before, like recently when my dad told me he wanted his own place..for a week, I thought he was just going to abandon me and leave me "homeless". He had to keep reassuring me that he wouldn't do that to me, but I felt and was almost sure that he would. All he says about the issue is that I must've "misunderstood" him. I know this is probably silly, but there was actually a time where I thought my next door neighbor was out to get me. I thought he was taking our mail once and when my cat disappeared, I thought he had something to do with it.

I know for a fact that I've also had visual hallucinations, having been capable of randomly looking (staring, actually) at "patterns" on numerous floors around my house and being able to see images of cats and people's faces (no one that I know) that look like they're cartoon-ish and drawn on the floor has been a little surreal. The hallucinations also move, and I never "hear" anything from them..they just move slowly and sometimes, their mouths will move, like they're talking or something.

I've also had several cases of insomnia. Last summer, for example, for several days, I'd stay up 'til around 5am, and be wide awake around 8:30 or 9am (the times vary, but you get the idea).

I've also heard things that I know my dad and brother (I live with them) didn't hear at the time, like car horns and people knocking at the door, and whenever I told them what I hear, they just told me that I was "hearing things". They always say that whenever I hear something and they don't. I'm also obsessed with locking our front and back doors, windows, etc.

I've taken the quizzes on psychcentral, and they tell me that I'm most likely suffering from Bi-Polar and/or OCD every time I take the Bi-Polar and OCD quizzes..but recently, I tried the schizophrenia quiz, and the results said I am "possibly showing early Schizophrenia signs".

I have to say, after looking at schizophrenia.com's "early signs" page (I can't post a link to it 'cuz I've only got this post at the time of this writing), but I've honestly and actually have experienced about 90% of what's listed on it.

Hmm..I can't think of anything else at the moment to add..so I'll end this post.

Thanks in advance, everyone!

[pachyderm]

I think there is no strict line between various forms of emotional illness. One set of symptoms may predominate, but that can change with time too.

[PsyChris]

The first part of your post you just describe Introversion which is not mental illness.

I can't pinpoint what your symptoms describe. I do not feel it is Schizophrenia or Psychosis. You mention your fathers alcoholism. I think this might affect you deeper than you think especially with the feelings of abandonment.

I think you should seek some type of therapy, your school with have resources. It will be good for you to find someone to talk about these things with and hopefully prevent things from getting worse. Even the best introvert needs someone to talk to!

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by Zack

I'm merely 19 years old at the time of this writing, but I've always felt a sense of alienation and became (and still am) -very- socially withdrawn before I was even a teenager..to the point where I'd only leave my house to go to school (because I had to). I've been isolated a lot over the years, and have always been, or at least felt, like a real "loner" or "outsider"...one of those guys who observes, rather than participates, in modern society. Quite frankly, nothing brings me peace like solitude does, and I mean that in the most optimistic way possible. I've also got a low self esteem, and was bullied a lot in school, as well..to the point where my dad had to take me out of school for a whole year, just to do me a favor.

I've also lived with an alcoholic father for the past eight years, who drinks on an almost nightly basis. He tends to only think about himself and his needs, and I feel like he's been less than a "barrel of laughs" towards me this whole time. Regarding emotions, I've also noticed that I'm rather apathetic towards most things that I encounter..and tend to only express emotion whenever I'm reacting angrily or am feeling depressed. I'll also smile and laugh at very few things..

I also write poems (have been seriously writing since the summer of 2007), and have periods of "creative thinking", during which I am easily able to come up with lines and rhymes for my writing in the form of freelancing, but otherwise, my mind and thought process feel dull and inconsistent..which leaves me depressed and bored while trying to write. Most of the poems I've done are rather cynical and depressing, though.

Most of the time, I feel rather unmotivated and effortless. I also have periods where I'll be thinking of something in particular, and the thought will be interfered by another, and then the two will mix up and I can't get back to the original thought for awhile. It's like I can't put the full thought into my mind, just bits and pieces, while another tries to squeeze it's way into my thoughts. I just give up trying to think about it until a later time.

Whenever I was in middle school, I felt as if I had social anxiety, was very shy, and would rarely talk to most of the people in my classes..I only felt comfortable around a select few acquaintances and had fewer close friends.

I can't say that I've experienced auditory hallucinations, but I do think that I've experienced delusions before, like recently when my dad told me he wanted his own place..for a week, I thought he was just going to abandon me and leave me "homeless". He had to keep reassuring me that he wouldn't do that to me, but I felt and was almost sure that he would. All he says about the issue is that I must've "misunderstood" him. I know this is probably silly, but there was actually a time where I thought my next door neighbor was out to get me. I thought he was taking our mail once and when my cat disappeared, I thought he had something to do with it.

I know for a fact that I've also had visual hallucinations, having been capable of randomly looking (staring, actually) at "patterns" on numerous floors around my house and being able to see images of cats and people's faces (no one that I know) that look like they're cartoon-ish and drawn on the floor has been a little surreal. The hallucinations also move, and I never "hear" anything from them..they just move slowly and sometimes, their mouths will move, like they're talking or something.

I've also had several cases of insomnia. Last summer, for example, for several days, I'd stay up 'til around 5am, and be wide awake around 8:30 or 9am (the times vary, but you get the idea).

I've also heard things that I know my dad and brother (I live with them) didn't hear at the time, like car horns and people knocking at the door, and whenever I told them what I hear, they just told me that I was "hearing things". They always say that whenever I hear something and they don't. I'm also obsessed with locking our front and back doors, windows, etc.

I've taken the quizzes on psychcentral, and they tell me that I'm most likely suffering from Bi-Polar and/or OCD every time I take the Bi-Polar and OCD quizzes..but recently, I tried the schizophrenia quiz, and the results said I am "possibly showing early Schizophrenia signs".

I have to say, after looking at schizophrenia.com's "early signs" page (I can't post a link to it 'cuz I've only got this post at the time of this writing), but I've honestly and actually have experienced about 90% of what's listed on it.

Hmm..I can't think of anything else at the moment to add..so I'll end this post.

Thanks in advance, everyone!

(((Zack)))As the oldest child of a severe alcoholic father myself, I really encourage you to seek out support for yourself. You can't fix him in any way, and he will continue to be predictably unpredictable no matter what you do. There are some really great resources online for strategies in dealing with alcoholic parents, and I always recommend a good, empathetic therapist. Al-Anon is one that is rather famous-for children of alcoholics--I'm sure they have a website. Since you are a teenager though... and with unsupportive parents, I'm not sure how one goes about seeing one in your situation unless you are in college or have insurance through parents (or if you somehow work a job with insurance). I know exactly how tough it is to have to go it alone with an alcoholic father who was incapable of taking care of himself, let alone parenting.

Insomnia is a part of anxiety and depression. If you have sleep deprivation for a few days or more (sometimes even one day), you can have all sorts of paranoia, hallucinations, delusions, derealization, and all other sorts of weird things. Remember that sleep deprivation is a well studied tool of torture and is used by governments around the world. It's not uncommon.
The anxiety you feel is a common feeling I too, share. It's related to living in a insecure environment for so long. Depression can have psychotic features sometimes, and severe anxiety/anxiety disorders can have all sorts of similar and overlapping features.

Are you in college? They have counseling services that might be helpful that are free, with real psychologists. There is also things like community health centers that are free or on a sliding scale. I really think that you need to deal with this with a professional psychologist while you are young. You can always talk to me too if you want. I'm in my twenties and I wish I had someone to talk to when I was 19. The lack of sleep only makes it worse too. Keep me apprised of what you decide to do, and I'll be thinking of how your doing!

[Psychotic_Phil]

Originally Posted by Zack

I'm merely 19 years old at the time of this writing, but I've always felt a sense of alienation and became (and still am) -very- socially withdrawn before I was even a teenager..to the point where I'd only leave my house to go to school (because I had to). I've been isolated a lot over the years, and have always been, or at least felt, like a real "loner" or "outsider"...one of those guys who observes, rather than participates, in modern society. Quite frankly, nothing brings me peace like solitude does, and I mean that in the most optimistic way possible. I've also got a low self esteem, and was bullied a lot in school, as well..to the point where my dad had to take me out of school for a whole year, just to do me a favor.

I've also lived with an alcoholic father for the past eight years, who drinks on an almost nightly basis. He tends to only think about himself and his needs, and I feel like he's been less than a "barrel of laughs" towards me this whole time. Regarding emotions, I've also noticed that I'm rather apathetic towards most things that I encounter..and tend to only express emotion whenever I'm reacting angrily or am feeling depressed. I'll also smile and laugh at very few things..

I also write poems (have been seriously writing since the summer of 2007), and have periods of "creative thinking", during which I am easily able to come up with lines and rhymes for my writing in the form of freelancing, but otherwise, my mind and thought process feel dull and inconsistent..which leaves me depressed and bored while trying to write. Most of the poems I've done are rather cynical and depressing, though.

Most of the time, I feel rather unmotivated and effortless. I also have periods where I'll be thinking of something in particular, and the thought will be interfered by another, and then the two will mix up and I can't get back to the original thought for awhile. It's like I can't put the full thought into my mind, just bits and pieces, while another tries to squeeze it's way into my thoughts. I just give up trying to think about it until a later time.

Whenever I was in middle school, I felt as if I had social anxiety, was very shy, and would rarely talk to most of the people in my classes..I only felt comfortable around a select few acquaintances and had fewer close friends.

I can't say that I've experienced auditory hallucinations, but I do think that I've experienced delusions before, like recently when my dad told me he wanted his own place..for a week, I thought he was just going to abandon me and leave me "homeless". He had to keep reassuring me that he wouldn't do that to me, but I felt and was almost sure that he would. All he says about the issue is that I must've "misunderstood" him. I know this is probably silly, but there was actually a time where I thought my next door neighbor was out to get me. I thought he was taking our mail once and when my cat disappeared, I thought he had something to do with it.

I know for a fact that I've also had visual hallucinations, having been capable of randomly looking (staring, actually) at "patterns" on numerous floors around my house and being able to see images of cats and people's faces (no one that I know) that look like they're cartoon-ish and drawn on the floor has been a little surreal. The hallucinations also move, and I never "hear" anything from them..they just move slowly and sometimes, their mouths will move, like they're talking or something.

I've also had several cases of insomnia. Last summer, for example, for several days, I'd stay up 'til around 5am, and be wide awake around 8:30 or 9am (the times vary, but you get the idea).

I've also heard things that I know my dad and brother (I live with them) didn't hear at the time, like car horns and people knocking at the door, and whenever I told them what I hear, they just told me that I was "hearing things". They always say that whenever I hear something and they don't. I'm also obsessed with locking our front and back doors, windows, etc.

I've taken the quizzes on psychcentral, and they tell me that I'm most likely suffering from Bi-Polar and/or OCD every time I take the Bi-Polar and OCD quizzes..but recently, I tried the schizophrenia quiz, and the results said I am "possibly showing early Schizophrenia signs".

I have to say, after looking at schizophrenia.com's "early signs" page (I can't post a link to it 'cuz I've only got this post at the time of this writing), but I've honestly and actually have experienced about 90% of what's listed on it.

Hmm..I can't think of anything else at the moment to add..so I'll end this post.

Thanks in advance, everyone!

Those quizzes are not substitute for an actual diagnosis. Then of course, the diagnosis is always a complicated matter. I've had mine altered significantly several times, but they've reached something of a conclusion that I have schizophrenic illness. Even if you do, which is uncertain, I don't think anyone can tell presently, yet I would continue to diligently pursue the matter. If you feel more urgency is required certainly make a careful decision in selecting a psychiatrist/therapist. Lord only knows (and I'm an atheist ) what kind of malpractice some of these men and women in white coats can do! Luckily for me, I have found someone caring and accepting though at times rather silly.

I would advise you to persist in pursuing the matter, yet do so with an air of caution. A wonderful alternative to mainstream psychiatry is spirtitual_emergency's articles, all of which have served a multitude of uses for me. Hopefully someday I can be 'cured' of 'schizophrenia' and live a 'normal' life.

For all I know, you could have Bipolar Disorder. Don't get too hung up on self diagnosing though, unless it can save you from a sticky situation that may involve over medicating or utilizing the wrong medication, that's assuming you need one, which hopefully you do not.

Stay strong, stay focused and remember, the 'illness' does not describe you, you describe the 'illness' by living it.

There's some cod philosophy for you to munch on.

Psychotic Phil

Zack, do not feel alone. I have A LOT in common with you and the way you think and your experiences. Really, what you shared in your post about your experiences almost sounds like my life.

I dont know enough about all of the symptoms and everything to make a proper diagnosis and Im not a doctor or psychiatrist so I cant help you there. I will tell you that what you are describing sounds like some sort of psychotic illness.

Originally Posted by Psychotic_Phil

Those quizzes are not substitute for an actual diagnosis. Then of course, the diagnosis is always a complicated matter. I've had mine altered significantly several times, but they've reached something of a conclusion that I have schizophrenic illness. Even if you do, which is uncertain, I don't think anyone can tell presently, yet I would continue to diligently pursue the matter. If you feel more urgency is required certainly make a careful decision in selecting a psychiatrist/therapist. Lord only knows (and I'm an atheist ) what kind of malpractice some of these men and women in white coats can do! Luckily for me, I have found someone caring and accepting though at times rather silly.

I would advise you to persist in pursuing the matter, yet do so with an air of caution. A wonderful alternative to mainstream psychiatry is spirtitual_emergency's articles, all of which have served a multitude of uses for me. Hopefully someday I can be 'cured' of 'schizophrenia' and live a 'normal' life.

For all I know, you could have Bipolar Disorder. Don't get too hung up on self diagnosing though, unless it can save you from a sticky situation that may involve over medicating or utilizing the wrong medication, that's assuming you need one, which hopefully you do not.

Stay strong, stay focused and remember, the 'illness' does not describe you, you describe the 'illness' by living it.

There's some cod philosophy for you to munch on.

Psychotic Phil

i agree these quizzes cant substitute a doctor's assessment and diagnosis.. the criteria for diagnosis' can be mixed.. such as depression with psychotic features or ptsd. the best thing to do is to seek out a GP, psychiatrist or counselling service and talk with them...
(to be political on a side issue.. u woodnt be a schizophrenic... if u had schizophrenia you wood be someone with schizophrenia).. sorry i just hate that word.. we are not our illnesses..

wishing you well and hoping you find some answers..

[WW_III_ANGRY]

If you're thinking you might be schizophrenic, you're not schizophrenic. You won't know when you're schizophrenic, trust me.

Originally Posted by WW_III_ANGRY

If you're thinking you might be schizophrenic, you're not schizophrenic. You won't know when you're schizophrenic, trust me.

Ive always wondered about that, is that a proven fact?

I always hear that crazy people dont know their crazy, I saw it as a good thing when I realized and thought I was crazy, that maybe I wasnt really. But that doesnt change the fact that I went 2+ years with pretty bad symptoms without even considering I was mentally messed up. Even when people would ask me if I was crazy or I had mental problems I would always say no without even thinking about it. Something to think about.

[WW_III_ANGRY]

Originally Posted by Pennkid

Ive always wondered about that, is that a proven fact?

I always hear that crazy people dont know their crazy, I saw it as a good thing when I realized and thought I was crazy, that maybe I wasnt really. But that doesnt change the fact that I went 2+ years with pretty bad symptoms without even considering I was mentally messed up. Even when people would ask me if I was crazy or I had mental problems I would always say no without even thinking about it. Something to think about.

Is that a proven fact? Well, I'll counter that by saying there is no such thing as proof. However while we may experience problems, certainly what I have experienced personally tells me the most severe symptoms are when I think I'm sane and am really not. Only in hindsight can I see how I was wrong, and yes once I begin to think this, in the past at least, that was the beginning indicicator that I was regaining my sanity. However, I didn't think of it that way at the time. Only in hindsight again.

i think ur talking about a thing called insight...
ppl with schizophrenia in fact ppl with mental illness can sometimes know they are unwell... although sometimes it takes their symptoms being under control and less severe to know... its not impossible to have it both ways..(be unwell and know)