Unsure

I've always been an introvert with obsessive compulsive tendencies and "quirky". As a kid I thought I could summon the wind by tossing a leaf into the air, and also since childhood I have to repeat certain thoughts in my head to overrule intrusive "bad" thoughts so nothing bad happens or so no one who might read my mind gets offended. But they started to get worse gradually each year starting in high school. I also become paranoid and on guard with everything someone would say to me, looking for a double meaning (usually a negative one). Once I suspected out of the blue that my dad and the neighbor were filming me exercising (even though my dad is not a pervert at all) and then I began meticulously closing all blinds. I've also locked my door at night for as long as I can remember, even further locking it by putting heavy furniture against the door. It wasn't until about a year and a half ago at the age of 19 that I seemed to change drastically. I became even more obsessed with routine than I already was (I've eaten the same few things and worn the same few things since I was young), I developed a stutter and memory and attention problems that still haven't gone away at age 20, and I became even more introverted. I had to withdraw from college for financial reasons, and I didn't even care, nor did I miss any of my friends. I don't even get lonely--ever. I'd daydream about being completely isolated all day and get irritated if my excessive introspection and daydreaming were interrupted. I was living with my mom at the time. I'm a very passive and calm person that usually lacks the ability to get angry, but I was so obsessed with being alone that I'd get violent thoughts if she came home early for work and interrupted my isolation. I got paranoid to the point of being hostile, yet at the same time I felt great. My self-esteem was the highest it ever was. I felt grandiose and more intelligent than ever before. But I was also aggressive and was having thoughts of strangling my own mother just because she was there. I'd even scream and hit the ground if she'd call saying she was coming home early. Or if the doorbell rang. I also developed a sensitivity to sound and would jump or panic if I heard a sudden noise like a telephone ring. Even if I sent a text to one of my parents, it was like I couldn't prepare myself for the sound of their reply, so I had to keep my cell phone on silent. I'd also have times when I'd go into a sort of stupor, with my body feeling like jello, and me feeling like a little kid. I'd get giggly and talk with a slur, or I'd start swaying from side to side and not be able to stop. I stopped being able to process what others were saying to me, so I'd not react appropriately and sometimes just stare blankly before responding, and I'd lose my own thoughts mid-sentence. I became obsessed with health and forced myself to drink 12-14 glasses of water per day and up to 6 in a row. I'd be looking up possible conditions each time my body would have the slightest ailment, and I became more sensitive to physical discomfort than I had been before. I also developed some perceptual disturbances, like feeling like I stepped in a spider web whilst walking, but if I'd look there wasn't one. Once I heard a car honk and then my mom shouting my name, but I opened the door and no one was there. I called her and she said she was never at the house. I'd hear noise in the attic and get paranoid someone might be up there. I thought for a split second my coffee looked like blood or bloody urine, then it switched back. I thought I saw smoke coming out of a gingerbread house I made. I've always been somewhat interested in darkness, like hearses and Gothic Victorian art and attire, but I became even more obsessed with dark themes. I'd daydream about having conversations with Alfred Hitchcock or Marquis de Sade, and sort of thought I might be their reincarnation, or that they were the only ones who 'got' me. I'd focus on these themes and use them in poetry over and over, but the poetry was more like an inside joke--that only me and these people could understand. I would focus on nuance and loosely connecting things other people wouldn't just relate together so that it could be somewhat of a secret what they meant.

But then the odd thinking kind of stopped, for the most part. Now I'm just paranoid, addicted to isolation, rigid and obsessed with my routine, and bored and unattentive in conversations. While I still have the sensory problems, I haven't experienced the perceptual disturbances or violent thoughts when my alone time is interrupted. It's like I switched from being what I thought was in a prodromal schizophrenic phase to just more of a schizoid or aspie, but I've never heard of asperger's showing up in early adulthood like a personality disorder and including some psuedo-psychotic features. Also, although I am prone to social phobia and want to be isolated constantly, I'm not painfully shy, and I can be charming and sociable if I have to. I just don't enjoy socializing. I find it boring and futile, and I get irritated that it interrupts my daydreaming and reflection.

So I don't know if I'm schizotypal, schizoid, paranoid personality disorder, covert narcissist, an aspie, just an introvert with a bipolar disorder or general anxiety disorder, introvert with ocd, or an unconventional borderline who clings to myself instead of other people? I'm confused and no one can figure me out. And yes--I've asked professionals.

I am sorry that life has been so challenging and nobody has been able to figure you out. I am sure if you keep looking, some doctor out there will be patient enough to figure out the pieces of the puzzle. it took years and a lot of patience on my part for pdocs to figure me out and I still don't think we are done yet now that I have started with a new therapist. but I haven't given up hope. each doc gets me a step closer. don't give up. take care

So you don't have any theories?