Not Sure

I went to a university and got my bachelor's degree and did well (nine years ago). Various reasons have kept me from following up on anything I studied there... low self esteem, severe depression, mild depression etc.

If I want to go back to my (general) field of study I cannot deny that I just need to know a lot more than I do.

I tried taking a class two years ago but it was during a very rough patch of my life and I had to drop the class, even though I enjoyed it. I just wasn't feeling well due to severe anxiety and depression at the time and I needed treatment.

About last year I noticed I was starting to feel incrementally better. Since then I have opened my books again and begun studying a bit. Every so often though, quite often actually I get really down on myself. I don't feel ready to delve into a class yet. The two subjects I have to take are physics and chemistry. I want to study them on my own before taking classes in an effort to keep myself from stressing out too much once I do take the classes.

To be honest, I find total solice in these subjects and I really enjoy this. But... What is my purpose??
I have no idea.
Why am I studying this stuff?
I don't know.

Many people study science to go to school to be a doctor, or a nurse, or a radiologist, an engineer, something.

But all of that still completely overwhelms me.
It all just makes me feel like I am lost in life or I am going about this all backwards. I think I may feel wary because I used to have all of these dreams and ideas and they all fell away and fell through when I got sick (came down with depression). Now I am pretty much terrified to dream. But I do know I enjoy studying all alone, by myself for now.
Am I being delusional that this will ever do me any good?

Sad.

Elana, if you don't mind my asking, what was your field of study? You mentioned that you needed to take physics and chemistry. Is that to finish a program or to start another?

I used to be a college professor, but had to go on disability. I still like to read in my field, even though it's doubtful that I'll ever be able to teach again. There's something to be said about just learning for its own sake, I think. Something we enjoy doing......pleasure.

I should have paid more attention to where you're from, but here in the States it's possible for people to study a subject and then take a test called the CLEP to get college credit. I had a lot of more mature students who would do that.

I'm "not sure" myself if I've helped you any, but anyway, I say, if you are enjoying your studying, then, by all means, keep it up!

Hi Payne,

Thanks, I didn't know about this CLEP. I had been wondering if there was something like that. I am just finding it so much easier to study on my own right now. Maybe its performance anxiety?

I did actually finish my program and did well (it was a bachelor of general studies). But I put in a lot of volunteer and internship work in the environmental (wildlife) area. So I used my time on that and didn't ever take those other hard sciences. Though I did take 2 years of biology.
I regret it now. But life just happens. I have a secret dream of doing something in science (even an entry-level job, I'm not picky). But my self-esteem is low... I have a high interest and a low self-esteem.

I've been through the low self-esteem problem myself. Maybe you can see someone to get some help with that. I bet you do have a lot to offer when you can get beyond that. You certainly proved it earlier when you were successful in getting your other degree! I can find out more about the CLEP, if you're interested......

Thanks for your kind words. Boy it is so nice to hear someone say I might have a lot to offer.
I'll look into that CLEP... Do you know off hand if it ever applies to post graduate study?

...What did you teach?

E

I checked with someone in the know about the CLEP, and he said it was for undergraduate courses. However, I still contend that studying on your own is a fruitful activity!

I taught psychology (and even English for one semester) at the college/university level for 20 years.

Hi ElanaO5,

I've been thinking about your post a lot. If you are enjoying studying, it does not mean you have to go into a formal academic setting. The joy of learning can be for just that. I did that after I left school the first time. It was very full-filling and learned so much, even more than some of my classes actually.

But from those studies I discovered a passion, and that led me into an adult ed class because I wanted to know more, which actually led me in a different direction than I expected, into a different field. I took some more time off, just read, explored, researched here and there. Then went to university, not as a degree candidate, but as non-matriculated student, just to take a class I was interested in. Turned out, became very interested. Took another class, and after it, decided to matriculate for a degree plan.

It is important to find what interests you and to follow it. Then your future will unfold. Your path will show and what you need to achieve it, you can take those steps as needed.

Studying on your own, can be one of the best things. However at times it can leave you wanting for more. If you've found something that interests you and a class being offered, see about taking it. Start there with no other plans other than to see what it's about and where it might lead. Takes the pressure off, learning for the sake of learning and curiosity. There's also confidence that comes from going to school this way, you're doing it for yourself and what may be in store for you.

Either way, I am so glad to hear you have opened your books again and are enjoying them. It is a good sign. I hope you realize that and that you CAN do anything you set your mind to, really. The world is yours for the taking. Sending a big hug.