Hello everyone,

I am 19 years old, and still need 2 high school credits. This is because from ages 16-19, I have been hospitalized in a psych ward 9 times, some of these admissions lasting a long time.

Since I am 19, I have to sign up at the "adult learning centre"...registrations start in 2 days. I am nervous, because I have had to withdraw from 2 semesters due to hospitalizations. I am afraid that school stress will catch up with me, trigger a depressive episode, and land me in the hospital again. I am afraid of failure.

I am also depressed because I am not as "smart" as I used to be. I used to be a low-high 90s student, taking university level courses. When I had several ECT treatments done, I noticed that my grades dropped a bit. Not a ton, but a bit. (From mid-high 80s). I guess it bothers me because I was always labelled as the "smart" girl, the girl who could do anything she wanted with her life.

Once my mental health issues began, I slowly but surely began to stop thinking of myself as intelligent. I even decided to attend college instead of university (not saying that college is bad, but I've always wanted to attend university).

Because I have been doing significantly better though, I want to try getting enough university level courses to attend university (I need 4 more to make the cut). But I am worried about the workload, the stress, etc.

Sorry for the complaining rant...I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about this.

Hello, Melissa. Is there a requirement that you must obtain the 2 high school credits and take the four university level courses at the same time? Can you not take the courses in segments you are more comfortable with?

Byz - I am not sure, but I will definitely bring it up when I register. Perhaps if I took 2 courses each semester instead of 4 in one semester, the amount of stress created would be significantly reduced. Thank you for your reply.

[Secretum]

Hugs to you, Melissa. Between the decreased concentration, impaired memory, and tendency towards self-hatred, depression is very good at convincing us that we aren't very smart. Studies have shown, however, that depression doesn't really touch problem solving ability apart from its effects on memory and attention. So, no matter how dumb you may feel, you actually are just as intelligent as you ever were. You may need to be creative to overcome any lasting memory or attention problems, in addition to any depression-related anxiety. But you can do it.

I also used to be a straight-A student, until I was hit by an intense depressive episode during my senior year of high school. Like you, the drop in my grades wasn't dramatic; I went from all A's to half A's, half B's. It was enough, however, to make me feel like an idiot. Enough to discourage me from taking some math and physics classes that once upon a time I would have been capable of handling... So I can definitely relate, though my depression wasn't as severe as yours (I've never been hospitalized).

Really, the fact that you managed to get mid-high 80's when you were severely depressed is quite an accomplishment. Many people would fail all of their classes if they became half as ill as you were.

I'm not sure how things work in Canada, but in the US people can pass a test called the GED and be granted a high school diploma. Perhaps you could look into something like that, which might get you your diploma faster and with less hassle. Also, don't give up on your dreams. If you want to go to university, go. And spit in depression's face when you graduate!

What do you want to study after high school?

[Perna]

It's not a baseball game! You can't strike out. If you want to go to school, want to study, are reading and working on your own projects anyway, that is going to happen the rest of your life; I went back and got another degree when I was in my 50's because I wasn't "able" to study back in my teens/20's.

Keep your eye on what you are working on instead of your fear of failure. Whatever you look at, that's where your "body" will go.