[VBParent]

We are currently dealing w/a 72 yr old, very narcissistic, (high school) coach who degrades the players by calling them names like stupid, idiot, moron, mentally retarded, to name a few. One girl on the team is very intelligent and makes good grades. He asked her, "How can you be so stupid at volleyball but so smart in school?"

The parents of one of the girls went directly to the coach last night asking what their daughter could do to improve so that she would be able to participate in practice, rather than just shagging balls, which is what our daughter does, as well. He said she was timid and shy, which is the opposite of this girl's personality, and went on to say "everybody loves me" and other self-inflating statements. After the most recent loss, during the post-game huddle, he told the girls, "I think I did a good job..........you girls didn't."

He has completely demolished our daughter's desire and love for the game. She wants to quit, and if he's coming back next year, she doesn't want to play. It will be her Sr year, and the last year she would get to play. She will miss out on Sr Night when she would get to walk out on the court and just being able to have that feeling of accomplishment of playing since she was in the 4th grade.

I'm afraid to go to the Athletic Director (who is new to the school this year!) for fear of how our daughter would be treated afterward. I know, I know, how could it possibly be any worse?!

The girls had to sign a code of ethics, which they must abide by. Why is this standard not expected from the adult which should be the one setting the example. If a teacher was calling a student mentally retarded during class because he/she didn't understand a math problem, I can't imagine this would be acceptable. This is bullying. In our state, bullying by another student is illegal...it's a law!!! How can this coach do this? Why is this type of behavior by coaches swept under the rug? There is power in numbers, but I'm sure the other parents don't want any negative retaliation against their girls for speaking out, so I don't know that I could get too many on board w/going to the new AD.

Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks

Don't mess around with going to the athletic director. This needs to go to the principal, although I am willing to bet he's heard this before and nothing will come of it. He's an older teacher who has probably been doing this for a long time. If the principal doesn't remedy the situation, go up the chain of command. Every district is organized differently, so it's hard to know who to tell you to go to. There is probably an assistant superintendent in charge of student services (or somesuch title).

[RomanSunburn]

I think the best way to handle this would be to get a bunch of parents together and talk to the principal and the athletics director together. Heck, bring in the ethics code of conduct. I know you said the other parents might be worried about worse treatment for their daughters, but really, if it gets worse, keep going back until this man is forced to change his behavior or leave. Heck, if there's a school counselor or therapist, get them involved too. The other parents might be thinking the same thing, that they couldn't get anyone to go with them. It doesn't hurt to start asking. Good luck!

[Perna]

Yes, I like farmergirl and RomanSunburn's suggestions of getting other parents together and getting the principal and athletic director involved; sounds like this guy is getting a little too old to be "coaching".

[googley]

I agree with farmergirl. Go to the principal. The principal is ultimately responsible for the behaviors of employees of the school. If the principal does not listen, go further up the chair of command (the district). Keep going until you get heard. I also agree with getting other parents involved. Numbers can do what sadly one or two parents can not. Also know, that if your daughter wants to continue playing and is going to college, (but doesn't want to play competitively in college) her school might have an intramural team she could join to keep playing. If she isn't going to college, she could look and see if there are any adult leagues in your area. This is of course if she wanted to continue. Good luck and keep us updated.

[Yoda]

I agree, talk to the principal. Since the athletic director is new he may be hesitant to intervene until he is familiar with everyone. The more parents that you can get to complain to the principal, the better.

[VBParent]

Thanks, everyone for posting. I have an interesting followup to the talk the other parents had w/the coach.....

A day or so later, he pulls that player aside into the hallway, sits her in a chair while he towers over her (ensuring intimidation), shows her the Code of Conduct she signed, asked if that was her signature, she replies "yes", asked if she knew her parents were going to come talk to him, she replies "I guess", he states he wants her parents to sign the Code of Conduct, states if her parents come to him again she'll be kicked off the team, and last, but not least, he tells her she is not to go home and tell her parents what happens in practice! Isn't this exactly what a predator tells their victim when they know they're doing something wrong....."don't tell anyone or I'll....." No one!!! should get in between the relationship between a child and their parent.

I have made contact w/the Ath Dir regarding something nonrelated to the situation w/this coach, or any other complaint. I'm hoping I can find a way to open up a dialogue w/him.

As for getting other parents involved...I've been putting our feelers of other parents' thoughts on the name calling. I'm not getting much back. It seems that most everyone just accepts it as "yeah, that's what you get w/coaches." One mom laughed at the names and another said, "Ah, that's nothing" and went on to tell me when her daughter was shoved by a coach as a freshman.

I'm too new to post a link, but there is a page on this website w/a list of "abusive" behaviors of a coach. I can, with 100% certainty, check off 19 of these. The only reason I can't check more is because I'm not there and can't say for sure.... search "consequences of verbally abusive athletic coaches" and see if you can find it.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by VBParent

I'm too new to post a link, but there is a page on this website w/a list of "abusive" behaviors of a coach.... search "consequences of verbally abusive athletic coaches" and see if you can find it.

The Consequences of Verbally Abusive Athletic Coaches, Schinnerer, J. (2009).

Thanks, VBParent!

[RomanSunburn]

That's horrific and that man knows what he's doing is horrific, and he needs to be fired ASAP. I really hope you all are able to talk to the Principal, School Administration, Athletic Department Head, everyone. Heck, I'd probably even go to some free legal counseling and see if you have any grounds to get him out with the aid of the law, probably ensuring that he'll never work in a public school again... Please keep us updated.

Honestly, in my mind, the fact that the parents are okay with the name calling is ridiculous... It's that kind of society that accepts bullying of any sort, leading to the suicides that have been so common lately... I'm sorry, this is not acceptable.

[VBParent]

Well, Posters, I have an update.

Since my last post, a few more things have happened. While sitting w/the Varsity players, he says, "I don't like that setter" talking about a JV player. The V girls say, "why?" He says, "because she's overweight." Really?!!! Who says that about a 15 year old girl? So this adult is judging whether he likes one of the players based on her weight?!!!!! Ugh! This past Sat, he said, "They're all a bunch of G**D*** losers," which was confirmed by the Asst Coach, and he shoved one of the players a week ago last Sat, which was witnessed by the girl's mother who told me about it. I was beside myself she wasn't in the AD's office the next morning! I asked if she would allow her English teacher to shove her, and she said, "no." Well, then.....???!!!

My husband and I made an appt w/the AD, which we had this morning. He was very professional, stated we were the first parents to actually come to his office in person, he said people have made comments to him at the games, but no "formal" complaints. He admitted "I'm not shocked that you are here." We explained why we bypassed the coach, told him of the other parents' experience after speaking to the coach and how he intimidated their daughter. (read prev post for details).

We told him of how our daughter had been mentally beat down, and her love for the game has, basically, been ripped from her heart because of this coach. I listed all of the names he has called the girls during the season and statements he has made. He was writing them all down. My husband expressed (while stating he knew there was a little bit of difference between athletics and academics) how this kind of name calling would not be tolerated if an Eng or Math teach were to call a student things like this. The AD agreed. I mentioned the part about the girl being shoved. He said he didn't really want to discuss what had happened to other players, if her parents wanted to come in about it, he would welcome them. I told him I understood, that I was not going to mention any names, but I felt he should have knowledge of it because if that ever happened to our daughter, he would know it had happened before. I reiterated it wasn't hearsay, that I heard it directly from the mother who witnessed it.

In the end, he reminded us this was his first year at the school and was still getting to know all of the coaches. He admitted he had already spoken to this coach about some issues and will be sitting down w/him, again, after our conversation. He let us know he would keep our names out of it. (I'd love to be a fly on the wall during THAT conversation.)

[Alcinus_of_chell]

I reiterated it wasn't hearsay, that I heard it directly from the mother who witnessed it.

Actually it's hearsay unless you personally witnessed it.

Just wanted to clarify, I think you're doing a great job in trying to deal with this and hope it works out for the best.

[VBParent]

Guess I should have said "rumor," rather than "hearsay." By "rumor" I mean that it didn't come from someone other than the mother that witnessed it.

[VBParent]

Lastest update,

I found out last night the coach was fired! YaY!!! Apparently, the referee he was arguing w/at our Sectionals game turned him in for having "made contact" w/him during the coach arguing w/him over a bad call. That, coupled with the complaints from parents and the shoving incident of a player, was what got it done. Too bad it couldn't have just been the shoving of a player, but, nonetheless, he's gone. Tonight is the awards banquet, which he will not be attending. I'm anxious to see if the Ath Dir is there and what he has to say.

Thank you all for your encouragement.