Studying....

As I type this, I'm procrastinating on working on an assignment that was due last week. The professor said she'd go through what I've written tomorrow with me before I work on the second part, which is due next week. I added a few phrases to organize my thoughts earlier today, but which are things I knew anyway, so really, I haven't done anything.

For at least the past couple of years, I've had problems with studying. Especially with writing papers. I'm lucky if I get those done the last minute. It's like I physically cannot type. It's infuriating. I know what I have to do, and yet somehow it doesn't get done. Reading's another problem: I re-read again and again and again and again, and it just doesn't go through, although if I study at the very last minute (reading the chapter for the first time the night before the exam), it seems to lift somewhat. Unsurprisingly, I'm not that motivated to study (whether that's a cause or effect or both or neither, I have no idea).

I took a Clinical Psychology course and I got a grade in the low 70s. That was because I didn't hand in a paper: I didn't have anything to show for it. Not even a paragraph. (With this latest assignment, I managed to drag out something to avoid getting a 0, but a 10/40 isn't exactly stellar.) I pretty much lost 20% of my grade. Plus, studying for exams was horrible, as I mentioned earlier.

I ended up getting a 90% on the final exam in that class.
I have no idea how, other than I retain information well. Because honestly, I have no other explanation. Studying for me consists of reading the text at least once, if I'm lucky. I can have a horrible memory regarding people's names and faces and what I meant to say and what I said... but my memory regarding non-personal matters seems to be fine.

In the class I'm taking now, I got the lowest grade that wasn't a zero for that assignment — and the highest grade on the midterm. 94%. And prior to the night before, I'd only finished one chapter and a few scattered pages from other chapters (we were tested on six-and-a-half chapters, I think).

I feel like I'm just managing to scrape by. That I'm lucky that I've gotten this far. Who knows how well I might do if I didn't have these problems? But I do.

I went to college for a year. I failed almost every course that required an essay or paper. I've written two papers so far at the university I'm at now (my SAT scores made up for my low high-school grades, and thank goodness I managed the essay on it): the first paper had two marks taken off for being late, but otherwise full marks. The second paper, which was almost entirely done at the last minute, despite my thinking about it since the day it was assigned, managed somewhere in the 80s.

I'm planning to stay up all night to get something done for tomorrow. I was thinking about it earlier, and it hit me just how easy the assignment is — but it might as well be multivariable calculus.

I guess I'm mostly venting. It's just so incredibly frustrating, you know?

Hi I wanted to offer a reply so that you aren't continuously checking this page as an excuse to procrastinate.

What happened in the past couple years that caused these studying issues? Was there ever a time that you were doing well in your classes and on papers? What was different then?

Have you thought about recording what you'd want to write in a paper and then having someone transcribe it so that you don't have to type as much? As far as retaining what I read, I've found that I'm an auditory learner...so reading my chapters aloud to myself helps a lot. I can add character to it, as if it's a speech, and that helps me remember. Whereas if I read in my head I'm more likely to zone out.

It seems at times that you're proud of what you're able to accomplish with what little studying you do, and from my experience, that attitude will keep you from wanting to change. You should see studying as an exercise, pushing yourself to do more so that you can grow.

Do you know me?

Pretty much started after war made us leave the country, with my father staying behind, to return to a country I hadn't visited in 9 years, staying in different places (with other family members, in different apartments, a motel for a short while), taking classes that taught information I'd already been taught.... That's a sizable chunk of what changed. Now, if any or none of them are related... I don't know.

Can't stand to listen to myself, and typing isn't an issue for me. It's actually getting the information out that is.

I do read aloud quite often, to keep myself from zoning out.

Proud and I don't tend to go together. I pretty much mentioned those to keep myself from thinking of myself as an absolute failure with no hope of achieving anything. See, I do want to change. I have pushed myself to study a number of times: sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes I find myself so incredibly anxious when I force myself that it's counterproductive.

I would love to be able to study without constantly feeling like I want to sleep, with the words actually fitting together in my head, and pretty much actually enjoying it. Because the subject does really interest me, and I wouldn't mind spending hours sitting down and reading. But with how I am now... I've actually spent six hours sitting with a textbook and read only two pages. Other than maybe the occasional fiddling with my phone, a few words with someone, or another urge to nap, I was intent on reading that book. And yet I only got those two pages.

Honestly, I wonder where I'd be right now if I couldn't retain what little I've read. It scares me.

Thanks for the reply.

If the "standard" ways of studying do not work for you; ditch them and invent your own. I had to rewrite a paper 3-4 times to get my grade up, getting it more "right" each time (and it was supposed to be rehashing exactly what the book said without plagiarizing) and on the third try I was so bored/disgusted I spent the entire weekend writing it (5+ pages) in verse

I rarely read the textbooks for courses; I just went to online sites about the subject and read and commented in my online classroom and in my own spaces/journals and asked my own questions and wondered things and answered my own questions and wrote little blurbs answering questions from the book/sites, etc. When it came time to write a paper, I knew what interested me, I'd found some off-the-wall interesting/difficult aspect of the subject (I often bought the professor's doctoral thesis, quoted from it and then refuted what they'd said :-) and wrote a wonderful thesis statement then had at it, easy as pie (especially since I was required to write 3-6 papers a semester usually; it was an online university so everything was written).

I suspect you did okay in the final because it was "final" and you'd lived through the course and remembered all the stuff as you wandered through. Sounds like you are better with "whole" things instead of one thing at a time; lots of people I think study for a test and don't see how that information applies to the next bit! They more or less forget the first bit, learn the second bit, forget the second bit, learn the third bit and then are in trouble when they have to have an exam on all three bits.

A paper in verse... sounds interesting! Problem with me is even being able to write it the first time.

I recall really disliking some textbooks, but one the whole, they do tend to be pretty decent. I do enjoy looking up information and researching on my own, though.

Refuting theses... any of them not so happy about that?

Oh yeah, I tend to pay attention in class and take notes. Since I find the subject interesting, it's not a problem. (Although with this course, I can barely focus on what's said, I'm so busy trying to write everything down. Had I read the book, I'd probably know what to write and what was redundant.) Also, the finals here don't tend to be cumulative. However, the parts do link together, of course.

If it's a multiple-choice exam where I have to rely on recognizing what information I know, it's no problem. It seems that, in general, when I actually have to say something and express myself, I hit a roadblock.

I recall in my clinical psychology class, I think, we were asked to write about something in our past... something we'd never told anyone. I was the only person that didn't write anything; I didn't have to, and I wasn't going to. We didn't have to show it to anyone, but that didn't matter. If I tried writing an essay no one else would ever see, I don't think I'd even be able to do that. I'm not sure if it's related, but even when posting on forums and all, sometimes I have to hit the submit button before I start wondering whether it's worth it to post. And I never re-read what I write, until maybe after I've posted it. I feel like I'll just delete the whole thing.

-hurries to the submit button-

One history professor was a "French" expert so I used his to help prove that England didn't "beat" France in the Industrial Revolution (they actually did; but that's what I mean by make it more challenging :-)

Dang, 100! I can't stop being distracted by his typo of 'losing', though. And the missing apostrophe in 'France's'....

But that's interesting, playing the devil's advocate in a sense. I tend to feel like I'm not really contributing anything with a paper... maybe I should try going against the grain and seeing if I get anywhere that way.

Yes, the typo cracks me up too in a PhD professor. I guess he just had a zillion less stellar papers to read/grade and was getting on with it. I was at an online university and though all the professors are required to be PhD, they're all part-time/online also and have other, "real" jobs so the school teaching is an add-on in their lives. My 20th Century European History professor was wonderful because he worked for "the" would-be secret government agency (they need historians to understand what's going on with a country/region). He was in Germany when the Iron Curtain fell (he was a Germany "expert" so I wrote his papers on Germany, which I had a lot of difficulty with and he liked the paper/thesis but knocked my knowledge of German history but said it did not "detract" from the thesis :-) I do try to make it entertaining for my teachers and myself both; write to their strengths; I figure in order to make points with them I have to really learn the stuff? And, it does help that I was older and more experienced (in my 50's) and had no axes to grind or didn't have anything (job) riding on the outcome, etc.

My husband has always gone his own way/against the grain :-) He tells a hilarious story of his paper in college on Robert Frost's poem, "A Road Not Taken" that he (he's an engineer so thought English Lit was a waste) argued against; how can you be "against" Robert Frost? LOL.

You are in school 100% for you! You'll graduate, get a job, etc., do it your way. It's a great exercise in expressing your "voice" and gaining confidence in it (so you don't "freeze" and are unable to write?).

The devil's advocate paper I wrote that I liked was for my Chinese history professor (he wrote a scholarly paper with someone else and I used that as a source but argued with a point they made :-) and in that I argued how wonderful Mao was (for the Chinese)!

I don't think you will lose anything and you might gain some valuable help if you tell each of your professors about this problem. They've likely seen it before and each may offer you a solution that will work better for you and your grades. If you absolutely don't want to do that, then you could write up anything that satisfies the bare minimum requirements and turn that in and at least get the lowest possible passing grade/points (because you did turn in the assignment), which, when added to your otherwise high scores on other things will translate into a good grade for the class. If your first thought is "I just got done saying I can't write anything!" you could also go to your school's writing center and ask for help in how to write a paper about anything - it is basically a formula - introductory paragraph, supporting paragraphs, conclusion and you plop your facts or points into those paragraphs, then all you have to do is build some filler verbiage around those points. I used to do this and then stick in the "although", "however", "it is also important to note" linking phrases and ultimately by the time I was done doing that, I had a paper. Then I'd go through later and correct grammar and spelling errors, and tweak any last bits that seemed awkward. Creative genus? No. But fulfilled the assignment? Yes. And you could even do this over a series of days so that it isn't torture to fill those blank pages all at one go. I hope this helps.

I remember last semester, I had a paper that I wasn't able to write. After approaching the professor, asking if there was anything I could do to make up for it, or if I could be given more time, I was told it was too late, and to do my best on the final. I told her how I was having problems writing and all, and she suggested I see a counsellor (which I was). The counsellor asked if I would like him to send her an e-mail. I said it was fine. Long story short, I wasn't given another chance. It seems like short of a medical excuse, I had no chance.

I made myself hand in something for that last assignment; not even the bare minimum, but something. I wouldn't be exaggerating if I said that at least reaching the bare minimum for this next assignment is my goal.

I remember last year, our professor said we should visit the Writing Centre. So I did, and said how I was having problems with my paper. I wasn't nearly done, but I did have a few paragraphs, maybe. She basically said that it wasn't persuasive, it was informative (because it would make a lot of sense without the information, right?), and she said that I wasn't a very good writer. Regardless of what I personally think of myself, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I came there for someone to basically say what I'd written wasn't a total failure and to give me encouragement. Instead, I get that.

I ended up getting full marks minus being late (which was by a minute or two; darn online submissions). (Fun tidbit: if I hadn't changed classes during the drop and add period, that person from the centre would have been my professor. Glad I switched!)

I still haven't done that previous assignment and I need it done along with another assignment due Tuesday (together, they make a proposal). I'm seriously considering asking my counsellor to send my professor an e-mail... maybe this time it'll actually help.

I'm planning to take a small break now (I told myself getting away from the computer every hour for at least a few minutes might be helpful), then start with the second assignment, because it feels easier than the first. I'm going to just type whatever comes to mind, maybe close my eyes as I type, and see what I can do with that. I want to finish at least something by tomorrow. Anything.

And then, just a few more classes, an exam, and I can relax... until next semester. I'd better figure out how to solve this problem by then.

I think you're on the right track asking your counselor to help you. I should have probably clarified that what I meant was talking to your professors at the beginning of the semester or right when you first get these writing assignments. If you want until the last minute some professors will interpret that as simple procrastination which isn't your problem. And, as you have seen, you will run into people who are unkind and unhelpful. Please don't let them constrict your college experience. I think you are right to try to get this before the office of disabilities because you are trying to help yourself and the college doesn't seem to be keeping up its end to help you. Courage!

Ah, right, I know I should do that. But I always tell myself that I'll try everything before that point. That maybe I won't need to talk to them because I'll handle it on my own.

I'm pretty sure we don't have an Office of Disablities... I'm guessing if you have one you'd go through Student Affairs and the Counselling Centre. It's probably something we should have, though.

I do know that my professor last semester made it clear that she couldn't give me another chance, besides something like a medical excuse. Had I told her from the beginning... it might have turned out differently. She's my advisor, though, so I'll be seeing plenty of her still.

The paper's due tomorrow. I'm going to stay up all night again and finish what I can. I have an appointment with the counsellor before class (and have to upload my paper before that), so we'll see what comes up. And assuming she did give me more time... my exam's next week, and it'd take away from studying for that. Not to mention I'd be constantly thinking about it. So, here's hoping I get something reasonable done tonight.

I got something done, but not enough to get a passing grade on the assignment, I don't think. I talked to the professor, and she said she'd give me some feedback. It looks like I'll be passing the course, but by how much, I don't know.

I'm seriously considering medication at this point.