Falling through

For the longest time I maintained straight A averages every year then once I hit puberty nd middle school everything went awry. I felt empty, I still do, like watching myself from the outside a numb sort of shock, I was afraid of emotional growth because I knew people would hurt me as they always have and that fear drove me to subject myself to mental torture all my own I'd visualize everyone I held close being tortured to death mutilated. This caused me to have a violent demeanor, still to this day my mind is full of graphic thoughts and occasionally when I'm pushed to be truly angry they come through. I knew my issues with anger and lust and turned to God to save me but due to my home situation (mother abandoned me at age 6 leaving me in the care of my great grandmother widow who is dying and thus I haven't gotten out much in the past 5 years) I haven't been able to get to church as much and my consistency in faith has fallen through, I often feel I am an unworthy and disgraceful servant of The Lord. I don't have many friends for long and as of the past two years I drift in and out of short introductory friendships where as I help someone realize their truth they say thanks then leave. I have searched everywhere for answers, through Christian and every other faith out there, I am a spirit keeper and avid believer in the paranormal but I need other help too it's undeniable. I am shy though terribly afraid to ask for help from other people and even searched for an exorcist through the years. Everywhere I go things get terrible when I arrive without me doing anything then lighten up when I leave. I just feel there's no motivation anymore, I have to force myself to feel and that only brings destruction, I'm tired of being told I'm a good person because I know the issues I hide. So I ask, anyone, please what do I do? I want a better future but I need to get my act together in highschool now or else there won't be one. I'm tired of fighting I want resolution.

Are you in therapy? Just a starter question...

No my grandmother took me to a child psychologist when I was 7 but he didn't help me at all because they didn't really know what was wrong

What I did as a junior in high school was I went to talk to my counselor about what was going on in my life so that I could eventually get to see a therapist. I don't know how comfortable you are with that, but does it sound like something you could maybe try? I think what would be best would be talking to a therapist about your thoughts and fears, etc., so that you can work through them. It is a lot of work, though, so the sooner you start the better...

That's a good idea, I usually confide in my dad for this stuff whom also mentioned just this week that Schizoaffective disorder runs in the family which actually makes a lot of sense, the only reason I'm slow to approach my counselor is because in middle school the counselor we had, though such a sweet lady, got way to involved in my social interactions with other students thus why I left the school so I might depending on who I have for a counselor next year since they practically change each students academy every year, I will admit I need to get to therapy quickly though

Do you think your dad would be willing to take you to a therapist if you asked?

Yes once he gets his lazy butt up and goes to the DMV for a license XC plus he rarely comes here anyhow he's just been here lately to take care of grandma

Does he not live with you?

No I've lived with my great grandmother alone for the past 11 years

Well I'd ask him about it the next chance you get, you deserve help.

You have led an unusually difficult existence for many years and should be easy on yourself and forgiving of yourself. You do not need an exorcist. Instead, you need to develop compassion for self. Also, your beliefs in paranormal things might be a symptom of schizoaffective - just so that you are aware of that possibility.