[sonnenschein]

I thought I was over my exam anxiety. I have one last exam on Monday before my new term starts. Everything seemed to be working out, then I got sick and haven't been able to study for the past five days (I'm still not well). Today, I realized I won't make it and gave up in despair and spent the afternoon hating myself for not making it.

I realize that that's unproductive, but I'm so mad at myself that I couldn't concentrate (and I'm still in pain from being sick, and I can't exercise the anger away because of being sick). Every time things seem to be working out I somehow manage to fail- I'm probably going to lose a semester because I'm missing out on this stupid exam, which means I won't be able to make the next exam after it. And I won't even be able to take the seminar I wanted to take because I have to study for these two exams that are now hanging over me in addition to the minimum of normal coursework I have to take to graduate (Which also makes me feel like an imbecile because I can't cope with the normal curriculum).

Worst of all, I'm not that far off- I might've even made it if I hadn't blown this afternoon too. But no, I need to freeze up and just go watch tv instead of toughing it out. It's like I could do it academically/intellectually, but I suppose I'm just too lazy and I hate myself for my poor work ethic and for beating myself up instead of being productive but I can't stop.

And I think I'm making myself sick again from all the stress, which is just making things worse. I need to concentrate: I haven't got time to be sick. I'm not overworked: I could've studied during summer break but I blew it then too.

But even though my fever is pretty much gone and I have flu meds/pain killers anyway, I'm just sitting around beating myself up instead of getting stuff done. Sometimes I just hate myself, you know?

Worst of all, I'm almost happy that I'm sick, because I'm still terrified of taking the exam I mentioned before because I know that I won't do well on it since I haven't studied enough. Even if I put it off, I'm sure I'll just mess up. And then I'll let down my professor who used to think highly of me and screw up my chances at further exams with that professor.

I just keep wishing for some sort of miracle that I know I don't deserve because I'm a) not smart enough, b) not dedicated enough and c) just not putting in the effort I should be putting in. Sure, it's not my fault I got the flu, but I should've studied more beforehand and then I would've had time to spare to loaf around on the couch and cough up gunk.

Not to mention that I'm letting down my friends too- I'm falling behind them in all my courses so we won't be in the same classes anymore, so we can't do a study group together like we planned. I mean, they can do one without me I guess. I was really looking forwards to having study company, but I had to mess things up for myself again I'm such an idiot…

[(JD)]

Okay breathe. Sounds like you're catastrophizing every little detail. Do you have a mental unwellness diagnosed? (You don't have to share, I'm just wondering...) If you do, and your test anxiety is so severe, you probably ought to check with the school counselor to see if you can take your tests in a different way or setting (it's called accommodation ). Good wishes.

[Travelinglady]

Have you gotten in touch with your professors? Have you been to the doctor, so you can prove you have been sick? Maybe they will be willing to work with you. You never know unless you talk to them. Okay?

[Grey Matter]

You remind me of me. My anxiety destroyed my self confidence when I first got into college and I still wish I could go back and fix it. But there are some things to keep in mind, I think.

You not being prepared for this exam will pass. Despite how you feel right now, and I am not at all trying to belittle you because I have done the same thing and probably will again, this exam will not determine your self worth nor will it decide how you will do in the future. I used to blow up exams into these end of the world size things. And I would vomit from the idea of needing to sit down and actually take it because I was convinced I was going to fail, therefore I was going to let everyone down. So even before I took the exam, I created a future for myself and I was convinced that future was truth. It never was.

Do not worry about your friends. Worry about yourself. It isn't cruel to do so, especially when it comes to school, work, etc. It's a practice of self preservation. And it's hard to get into, but it takes practice and consistency. Tell your self that you're the important one right now and that you're doing your best, even though some of your mind is telling you otherwise.

It's a lot to overcome and it might not get easier in a few days or a week but you will get there! I still have my moments whilst I sit doing homework that I am convinced all I am good at is failing and making a joke of myself, but I have to bring myself out of that thought because I know I will get trapped if I don't. It's the curse of being an anxious perfectionist.

If anything, for this exam, I'd say get into contact with your professors. Explain the situation, say you can provide notes. And ask for a bit of an extension. The worst thing that can happen is they say no. It's always worth a try.

Take care!

[aakriti90feb]

hehe, it reminds me of my childhood, i was very dumb at that time. i did not study at all. would get a big O in class tests.

[wisedude]

Can you get a medical certificate? Do some extend it sound like you have put off your learning until the last minute (this could be wrong)? Try and get a medical explanation, and maybe an extension of some sort.

It does sound like you are under TOO MUCH pressure. Can you take some time off? I think if at all possible, that you need to reduce the pressure upon yourself.

Hey I fell out of education at 13, I personally could not endure the sort of stress it sounds like you are under. In my strong opinion learning should not be FORCED within strict time frames, but flexibility is key. I feel like it is not right that you are under such obviously extreme pressure. Many people could not handle it, you are hardly alone