[BriarRose]

My daughter is an emotional girl and has self doubt and depression issues, she was often bullied because it was easy to get a reaction from her. She is also musically talented, and her audition for college landed her straight into her major as a freshman. Her schedule was almost all music classes, choir, voice lessons and rehearsals, with two required freshman level courses. Along with homework, it was intense, and competitive. Then in October, her grandmother passed away due to Alzheimer's - a really tough thing for my daughter, as they were close.She missed some classes, both when she came home for the service, and a few when she returned to school. She did go to the Health Center, talk with a counselor, was dx'd with depression and started on an antidepressant, though it didn't work for her.. Her profs were not sensitive, telling her she was overreacting and needed to "get over it" and was making a bad first impression. A month after her grandmother died, a string of tornadoes swept through our area, leveling over a thousand homes and businesses and affecting people we know. My daughter came from college with a team of students and spent a day on site doing recovery and clean up. It was another blow.

She worked hard to pull up grades that slipped due to missed assignments and passed her music classes - but found the two require classes she did not pass - not on grades, but because of attendance in one - he did not give her any extra consideration for her grandmother's death or being dx'd and treated for depression. The other class required students attend several outside-of-class events and write papers on them - and she could not bring herself to go out to concerts and plays in the weeks she was dealing with all this, as well as the rest of her demanding schedule. I've talked with the Dean of Students but am not getting much of anywhere. we are working with our PCP on finding the right anti-depressant.

It is a great school for Music, and that's what she's always wanted to do. But her closest friends there are transferring due to finances or to be closer to home. And because the profs were not supportive, she wants to leave. I don't know what is best at this point!

Thoughts? Advice? Does she have a way to appeal these failed classes under a Mental health disability? I'm worried and frustrated and kind of at a loss : (

[Little Lulu]

What a natural thing it is to worry about the daughter you love. It certainly isn't uncommon for a kid to struggle during their first attempt at college, especially if they tend to be sensitive as you describe your daughter. I dropped out of college after my second semester for various reasons - the school wasn't a good fit for me, I needed to mature some, etc. I ended going back to different (smaller) school, flourished, and graduated with honors. I've had a long, successful career in health care. Your daughter's initial negative experiences with this school may be such that she might never feel comfortable there.

I don't have advice on what is best or whether your daughter can appeal the failed classes, just empathy for you and your daughter and the knowledge that the way to adulthood is frequently bumpy and unclear. Hugs to you both.

[Perna]

If she has a lot of friends transferring, etc. and she wants to also, I would let her transfer and get a new start provided the new school is "good" too. I would figure out if she could have a bit of a less intense schedule too, to make sure she is not overwhelmed; maybe add a semester (summer school?) the first couple years or agree it will take an extra year, etc. I know a lot of intense programs these days take 5 years to complete. It is her education and has to be done in such a way that she does well? I would find a school and program that works that way instead of one so inflexible and intent on doing things its own way with not thought to the individual student.

[Grey Matter]

I am sorry all these things happened to your daughter as well as you. It's hard, from what my mother has told me, to see your child suffering.

I became depressed at 14 when my grandfather passed away and then my father had a stroke 2 months after. It was soul crushing. I isolated myself. I struggled to keep up with classes because the pain was just all consuming. I found, having to deal with losing my grandfather (who I was also very close) and seeing my dad not remembering all in such a short span gave me no time to grieve either loss properly. And because of it, I had to take a leave from school.

I did intensive therapy. I had home schooling done. I slowly got back on track and re-entered school.

In my freshman year of university (as your daughter has a love for music, I have a love for science) and after taking an exam, I was put in the honors science program with a major in biology and a minor in physics. When it began, it was easy. Especially since I was in the science honors dorms. It was quiet, I was able to keep my anxiety/depression/self harm/and ED under control. Then my brother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. My best friend. I was falling into a depression, but I tried so hard to carry on. I did spend more time at home (I lived 10 minutes away from home) on my off days, etc. Then, another blow. My uncle died. My godfather. Then my depression hit me hard. I slept a lot. I missed classes and had to deal with professors who said the same things as your daughter's "It's time to get over it" "we're not kids anymore. Grow up." Because of my protectionist tendencies, I tried to fight through it. I was restricting my food, sleeping less and less. My anxiety was constantly at an 8. My grades were horrid.

In my sophomore year, my brother died tragically on a day I was home. My mom and I found him. Which lead me to get PTSD. I went back to school as much as I could, but I couldn't see the point. I was at a dangerous weight, suicidal, and just god damn exhausted. My mom sat me down and spoke to me about moving back home for a while, doing online classes at my own pace, and going into intensive therapy again. I listened, and I did get the help I needed.

If she seems like she is going to be more comfortable transfering, please let her know it's okay. She will experience doubt about doing so. She may think you'll be angry or resentful (which of course isn't true, you love your daughter very much!) but that is what depression makes us feel. As if we are going to let the whole world down and then time when the sky is going to fall. Sit her down, comfort her, let her know you'll always be there no matter what. Let her vent if she is comfortable. Just let her know, no matter what, you wont ever be angry. That the only thing you want is her health and happiness.

Good luck and many hugs.

[Travelinglady]

I lean more toward encouraging her to transfer, too, if the profs are going to be so unsympathetic. Music is a tough, competitive major. Depending on what she wants to do with her degree, she might fare just as well at a school with a decent music department, but not one that takes itself quite so seriously, if you know what I mean.

[Lillyleaf]

Is there a disability school program there? Almost every school should have them. If she's Dxed then they can require services like, not as many classes, absences and other things.

best,

Lillyleaf

[BriarRose]

I am sorry you have been through so much. It does hurt to see your child hurt. Her emotions have always been close to the surface since birth - it's who she is - but she's smart, funny and very empathetic. When she was seven I suffered a vaccine reaction that left me disabled and in constant severe pain. We traveled to Drs and specialists for pain treatments, andI had surgery out-of-state - twice - to relieve compression on sick nerves. It was a hard thing for her to deal with at that age, and I've never been fully myself since. So for me to see her suffer is terribly hard - how much is because of what she went through because of me - even though I couldn't help what happened? But life hands out lemons and you just deal the best you can, right?

I appreciate your insight - it's been a few years since I was in college:-) I think it's likely she will come home for a semester, take a class or two at the local community college and see a local counselor, then we'll look for a school that's a better fit for next year. The one down side is this school was in the town I grew up in - her other grandparents are there, and they will be disappointed as they looked forward to seeing her more often - and that was a plus for her too. But if she's not happy, it's not going to work, so.... She's thinking things over, tomorrow we're talking to the Dr about getting a letter supporting her dx, and finding out what resources they have for ADA, and then she's going to talk things over with her HS music director who was a big influence and support. She went to church with her dad today, who plays in a praise band, and sang, which was a good thing - though she didn't get real sleep last night. Hope we get the Med situation figured out for her as it has not been good so far. Thanks for caring :-)

[BriarRose]

It is a very top-notch school for music, with a long reputation for graduating students who go on and do well. That is why it is competitive, which I get, to a point. But she had a stellar audition and is pretty accomplished - she's been in choirs and musicals since kindergarten, was in band, was in audition only vocal groups and did madrigals from 7th grade thru high school. In and out of state competitions and events with band and choir, including NYC, a holiday bowl game and parade, and a major league baseball game. And scored an almost perfect score on her foreign language solo for state Jr year. She really is talented, but it runs in the family, her sister is also a great singer, and her dad is a bass player.It seems like they wd try to keep and encourage someone with her skills, rather than just seeing who survives the heat.

So she is very serious about music - but we need to find a way that is not such a pressure-cooker, at least not right off the bat, and not when circumstances call for understanding and support, which doesn't appear to be the case at this uni. I have to call tomorrow about her academic probation status, and will ask about the ADA info then Thanks for all the replies - the advice and support is truly appreciated!

[growlithing]

I go to music school and I just wanted to say that I along with all of my friends agree that the first semester SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS and then gets much better. I usually think people should stay a year before transferring because the people who transfer sooner usually regret it. But that's just my experience.

[EDIT] I should add that I go to a conservatory so it is very small and I don't have to deal with a larger university. My school has been very VERY accommodating but that might just be because we have under 1000 students and that the non music courses are very light.