How to cope with grades?

Most of my anxiety is due to high expectations I have on my academics. Unfortunately, because I've become so stressed and anxious, my academic performance has actually declined and I've been skipping class a lot (not important lessons, of course). Both my psychiatrist and therapist have told me that I need to loosen up and let go a bit in school but I don't know how. For those of you that have been through this, how do you deal with it? How do I let go and be ok with 80s without feeling fear and regret? I feel like I'm going to mess up my future and regret it for the rest of my life if I become ok with this.

My teachers have received a psych note from my psychiatrist explaining my diagnose of GAD and MDD but none of them have acknowledged it or talked to me about it. They all still expect the same of me and treat me no differently. Maybe it's because I don't break down in school and I put on a strong act but this is killing me inside. I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore. I'm just stuck between thinking what's the point in trying and fear of regretting this in the future. I'm so conflicted and have no idea what to do anymore. I honestly just want to drop out of school and run away from my problems. Any advice?

Hey,
I had that problems too only I'm bipolar. Some of my teachers knew and some of them didn't. Usually they aren't going to talk to you about it unless you approach them. The most you are going to get is a "How are you doing?" sort of answer. It is very awkward of them and somewhat unprofessional to ask what they can do to help you. YOU have to ask THEM.

Horrible I know. When I started losing my grades in school the two things I had/have to remember are 1.) It's not the end of the world ever... and 2.) Don't give up. I can't connect assignments the class then the whole year. I have to start looking at each assignment as just one that are slowly being strung together. It's a lot easier to worry about one small thing then having it seem so important to the big picture--the big picture can always change.

I would say you should go see a guidance councilor or someone in the educational field. P-docs and T's are awesome in some ways but when it comes to the ins and outs of school and education they can be somewhat, if not completely, clueless.

Best,

Lillyleaf

I used to get really anxious about getting perfect grades all the time, too. I still do, but not as badly. The way I helped myself was every time I stressed about a grade, I asked "what's the worst that can happen?" And I would have a conversation with myself:
"What's the worst that can happen?"
"I fail this test."
"So then what happens?"
"My grade in the class goes down."
"And?"
"If I don't do well, I'll have to retake the class."
"Well that would suck, but could you survive it? Would you learn from it?"
"Yeah."
"Ok, not so bad then."

Thanks for the advice, I didn't know that teachers were supposed to act that way. I was expecting some sort of acknowledgement like "Hey I got the letter, just let me know if you need anything". It was quite hurtful when they all just acted like they never got the letter. In fact, I had a teacher tell me that if anything was going on (since I got off to a bad start in her class with the first assignment) that I could always talk to her about it and that she's there but when she got the letter that explained what had happened, she acted indifferent.

Thank you for the advice! That seems very reasonable but for some reason, I'm never able to be at peace with it. I've had a mental breakdown and cried nonstop for 5 hours over a mark. I think it's just this fear that I won't be successful in the future and will have to worry about money. I guess it is quite petty thinking about it but my fear of failure triumphs everything. In my mind, it is the end of the world if my average isn't 90%+.

I definitely understand. I've been there. Just try to remind yourself that the important thing is not the grade, it's whether you learned. If you got a bad grade, but from that you learned that a certain study method doesn't work for you, then that's not a failure. You'll know what not to do next time. It's only a failure if you don't learn from it.

Here's a video that talks about some of the most famous people in the world and the failures they learned from:

It sounds bad but I'm at the point where I don't care what I do as long as my grades are good. Thanks for the video! I actually used that as an example in one of my presentations. Guess I don't preach what I teach.

Thinking about it I guess you're right. It's not a big deal if I got a smaller scholarship than what I was aiming for. It's not like I wouldn't get into an university at all. I don't know why I'm so fixated on this. It's tunnel vision and I'm just blindly shooting tbh. :/ It's so hard to let go though and I don't know how to.

Don't worry about scholarships and university. Yes, they look at grades, but overall they want people who are willing to put in hard work, learn from mistakes, and detrmined to succeed. When youre done with school, no one is going to look at your grades any more. Theyre going to look at your work ethic and your ability to think critically and learn from the past. Focus on developing those skills, and good ggrades (maybe not perfect ones) will follow.

Yes, step back and evaluate this scenario. Try to stick to the facts, first.
You have GAD. This is making it impossible for you to do your best on tests under the situation given.

Speak to your professors, or first to the school counselor and set up ACCOMMODATIONS for test taking. You may need a separate time to take them, more time to take them, a different setting (room) or even have the questions verbally given to you along with being able to read them. All of these things can help a person ground himself and focus better.

Don't run away. Anxiety makes us want to do that...or as it is now explained: fight, flight, freeze... one of those. It appears if you don't take flight, your brain freezes in some way, making it difficult to finish tests well.

Put the onus onto your disorder, don't take it personally. If you are truly studying, and paying attention in class (and note if your GAD is causing difficulty in taking notes, ACCOMMODATIONS can also provide someone to take notes for you, so you have all the material to study) then changing the environment for testing should help you.

The main thing is to learn the information you want and need to know, right? Don't get caught in the trap of having to learn it in the same way other people do--- many of the greats learned in their own way.

Now, breathe... and see what you can change to help you.

Finally, realize that a grade is only measuring what you were able to know and remember and access that particular time period. If it's passing, then remind yourself that it is good because you did your best for the time and situation. Once you've graduated few will point to a few test grades and say, but wait you can't be an adult because of those grades---

Thanks for the great advice!
I don't really have issues with test taking as I usually finish tests before others but I've definitely started having more issues with concentrating and starting assignments. It's also quite hard for me to go to class now but I don't think my teachers will really understand that (in fact I get the vibe that one of my teachers is really uncomfortable with me because of my mental disorders). I have 2 more weeks after the break until the beginning of semester 2 so hopefully I can pull through.

I guess you make quite a good point about putting the onus on the disorder and not myself. I never thought about it that way. I just kept blaming myself for the drop in grades and telling myself that I should be doing better considering I had experiences with these assignments last year but I guess last year I also wasn't as crippled with anxiety.

I remember my therapist telling me that her husband works at a big law firm and that in Canada, they don't really care what law school you go to. There's people who don't go to top universities, get into a sh!tty law school and still get hired. I keep telling myself, well why would you just want to float through life and not be the best that you can be and that it's better to keep as many doors open as possible. To me, the only way of doing that was to ensure that I had as much opportunities as possible by being successful. But I guess life isn't exactly fair and you're right that a few years from now, it's not going to matter that my marks were a few percent lower than I wanted. It's just the fear that I will regret this in the future that keeps dragging me back. The "what if?"

Okay... be sure that your finishing tests quickly doesn't mean you aren't fully reading and responding--that used to be a problem with me reading so fast! There's some reason your scores are down...see if the counselor can help you discover how much the anxiety is hindering you.

Ah yes, the big "what if"! Don't let your mind go there. Block those thoughts and counter them as they come into your mind. You ARE doing the best you can do, and you're trying to improve on top of that. What more CAN you do? Nothing! You are doing the best you can do...no one (not even God, if you believe in Him) can expect you to do more than you can do. Get it? Now breathe.

Thanks!
I don't know why but I constantly feel like I'm not doing my best and that I could always do better.

It's ok to feel that way. I feel that way too. Try to ask your teachers for lots of feedback, and if they tell you you did a good job, then believe them. If they say you could improve, ask them how, and to help you if they can. It sounds like you're a really good student, and sometimes just hearing that from another person can help immensely.

One way I lighten up from my GAD is to remember that worry is always about the future and that has not happened yet so is completely in my imagination. Since it is in my imagination and I have a good imagination I might as well imagine wonderful things happening as bad ones.

If it is the middle of the night, I think of 3 things I can do in the morning about my fears and if it is now, I go do something now. I have a paper due January 9 and I'm already finished and working on my paper due February 20! I know both will get done, etc. but it helps the anxiety a little bit if I have a plan and work at it because I have decided to instead of because I "have to".

I've also struggled with everything you're going through. If I didn't feel like I was giving 110%, then I was failing. It was completely black or white, and when you place such high expectations on yourself, you will always come up short.

One thing that helps me is to think about how much I need to do to be satisfied. For instance, if I have an exam, what can I reasonably expect from myself to feel prepared? Figure it out and then ask yourself, is this reasonable? Heck, ask someone else if they think it's reasonable. If it is, then you need to plan when you'll do what. Time management is key. But at the end of the day, even if you didn't get everything done, you have to be gentle with yourself. The world will not end, I promise, no matter how much it feels like it is going to. Be flexible and be gentle.

Another thing, which someone else already mentioned, is don't think about the big picture. You'll worry about that when you get there. Break everything down into small, manageable, reasonable goals. When you start to worry about things in the future, just remind yourself, you'll deal with that when it happens. Just focus on what's at hand. If there's something you can do right now to work on whatever is worrying you for the future, then do it. If not? Don't worry about it.

It's going to take a lot of retraining your brain. It's hard, and I'm still working on it myself. But you have to keep countering your negative thoughts with positive ones. Sometimes it helps to write things out. For every negative (ie, "I'm going to fail"), write out a positive ("I'm going to do the best I can and that's all anyone can ask of me. I'm not going to fail"). Even if you don't believe it, keep doing it. As my T used to say, fake it 'til you make it.

Good luck! Remember, you're not alone! You can get through this!

In my job interviews people asked me what I studied, what classes I took.

Not once "what grade did you get in the particular class?" Nobody looked over the diploma supplement when my grades (and straight As they were NOT).

On class reunions people often laugh at the fact they sucked at one class, how they had to retake it...

Nobody cares about grades once you are out of school. Getting your diploma with sanity intact will get your further then breaking yourself over not having perfect grades. Grades do not really reflect intellect or skills all that much anyways.

I was very anxious and felt I needed to aim to be one of the top scorers, so I stayed up til 2, worried, calculating my scores based on what-ifs. I spoke to my classmates and (also my instructor) and revealed my anxiety it sort of helped to have someone to talk to. I just needed a certain grade to pass, but I get it. You need a certain grade to get scholarships, to get accepted into graduate school it's also the hard work and experience you went through, and the people who know how hard you work to give you recommendation

Some stress is good but I pushed myself until I was burnt-out and having breakdowns. My health was not worth it I am only human