[kim_johnson]

I'm starting to regret the summer school course that I enrolled in 'for fun'. Things are going too fast for me to keep up. I can't follow the math. I feel really, really, dumb. I honestly spend ages trying to reason through how I would solve this new permutation of the same f*cking problem and I simply can't see how to rearrange things / which parameters to vary or keep the same or... I just really am not having any luck at all...

And...

This is only the first topic. The easiest, by all accounts. Sigh.

I suppose I just need to keep my chin up. My grade really truly doesn't matter for anything other than my ego. But my ego hurts. Wah. Physics... Why do you hate me, so?

[jelly-bean]

I feel sorry for you because the course didn't turn out to be fun.Is there someone else in the class that could tutor you? You are the only one who can fix your ego problem but maybe someone in the class can get you started.

[kim_johnson]

aw. thanks jellybean. i hope the fun will come back. we have a mid-term test tomorrow, so i'm freaking about that. maybe the fun will come back after the test. i really am learning a lot - even if the stuff i'm learning is stuff that is very much prior to the stuff that i'm supposed to be learning.

i learned what feels like rather more than i need to know about triangles, today.

the tutor is helpful and i guess i could ask people in the class. i just feel badly for taking their time since i'm not a major and it's my own fault for not having the background etc.

funnily enough... this guy helped me a bit with math today... then he was all, like, only doing this class because he thought it would be easy (high school physics level) as the last paper for his computer science degree and he's in full time work already and didn't go to any of the lectures and only turned up to the tutorial because we get some marks for attendance...

and i felt badly because he helped me with some math for free... but then i felt angry with him for feeling like he should get to pass a course simply because he paid the money for it... no interest in learning anything at all... doesn't this violate some thermodynamics something??? something for nothing? something something? anyway... it made me feel angry... but then ungrateful since he'd helped me... anyway...

the joy will come back after the test, i'm sure. it is just... so very much easier to feel happy and positive about... everything... when you get nice grades / things right / kudos. yeah. and i feel... sad about that...

and also kinda... uh... vaguely terrified about heat death.

[kim_johnson]

Well... The test was alright. I mean, I know I didn't do amazingly well in it, or anything like that, but it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I feared it might be. It seemed... Manageable. I mean... I'll enjoy seeing the answers and working through how to do them. The oddest things that I couldn't do... Calculating time it would take for an object to fall from a certain height... Should be easy - right? Only initial velocity and final velocity are both zero and so that makes the average velocity zero divided by two and that doesn't make sense!

Anyway... NASA (website) knew... Of course they did... And now I do, too

I am going to get tested for dyscalculia. Nothing to do with this class in particular, but I guess potentially to ask for accommodations for my other classes this year. It is... Kind of scary for me. Last year... This summer... I've been taking classes to help prepare me for this year. This year... I have a full time workload that is basically competitive entry to year 2 Medicine for 2016. I need to do really well this year... Across the board... But mostly in 4 core papers that count for 60% of the application to Medical School.

It used to be that the first year program was very science heavy with physics and bio-chemistry. They have fairly recently opened up another pathway option, though, where you basically get to substitute those for psychology / sociology / economics (population health) they call it... Essays instead of equations. Issues of equity and social justice etc... But there is a little math in population health (study design / interpretation) and there are a few equations in the second half of organic chemistry and in physiology so what I'm doing now surely can't hurt.

I might be able to use a very simple calculator for tests and exams that officially 'don't require a calculator'. I might be able to have some extra time to do my calculations on my data for chemistry lab... I might be able to... Uh... The UMAT (15% of application) says it assumed 'basic numeracy'. Uh... Calculator? Extra time?

I guess I need to be tested and see where things are at. I see there is a bit of a literature on dyslexia and medicine... So potentially accommodations could be made...

Medicine here... Is about the ONLY program that doesn't have a targeted admission scheme for people with disabilities. I guess I sort of thought that medicine would be leading the way on disability rights etc but that really isn't the case. Quite the opposite... The whole scrubs thing of 'I'm no Superman' and House as wounded healer... These are... New. Revolutionary. Still not entirely accepted... Still this idea persists of those who are selected to study medicine are the 'best' are the 'brightest' are the 'fittest' are the 'healthiest'.

Of course it is more... That they are the richest and the whitest etc etc etc... But, anyway... One step at a time...