[IDoNotExist]

Hi everyone,

After 2 years of doing virtually nothing with my life, I stopped the drugs and returned to graduate school this semester, which began in January.

Unfortunately, I was told that I had to add an additional graduate class--not something I intended nor wanted to do. But I needed the financial aid to pay for my tuition and help my family.

I haven't been studying the way I should have. I am not sure if this is just my laziness of the fact that I am on very sedating medication.

I also have problems with attention. I forget things many places; I almost get into car accidents. I am very disorganized and "fade out" frequently in classes.

I'm at midterms now and I am having to catch up with a lot. I don't think I can do it. I am hoping that I can get a reduced classload requirement; otherwise, if I drop a class, I cannot get financial aid next semester.

All throughout the semester, I have had frequent suicidal thoughts because I live in a small area and professors know of my mental health history. I sometimes run to the internet to escape them, and then wind up procrastinating.

I hate myself, and I've been seriously considering suicide again, making some plans and researching methods.

I'm dx'ed with bipolar disorder rapid-cycling and once with Borderline PD--although the latter has been debated.

I'm not sure what to do . Should I just accept that I didn't study hard enough and leave? Should I give myself some credit for trying even though I am normally very tired from meds? Should I try to drop one course and continue?

Anything? I have been hospitalized every year of my life almost. I have pulled out ~$40k to help my family. But I have been abusive to them at times verbally, so I just figure it's my way of helping out. Also, I'm in my late 20s, and I figure I just can't live for free off people.

I love my family and I like my studies, but ever since I was told I needed to take the hardest course in the curriculum along with 2 other grad courses and 1 upper-level undergrad course, I have felt so overwhelmed that I have at times ignored everything completely.

I have two bachelor's in sciences already, but now I struggle with wanting to live. I'm ambivalent about life. I in one hand want to die, but I'm afraid. I'm also worried that my mother can't handle my death, but I'm tired of being a good-for-nothing, disabled son who has been in the hospital longer than he has worked.

[kim_johnson]

I think you should seek out support services at your university. Make an appointment to talk to a counselor. A significant chunk of your fees goes towards paying for university support services, but people can't support you if you don't go to them and ask them for help. The sooner you do this, the better.

[JJBX]

That's really tough! I'm sure the nasty weather we've been getting really isn't doing your psyche many favors. As much as it would stink to have more pills added to your regimen, is it possible to seek out Adderall as a temporary fix? It could help offset the sleepiness of your other meds, though I don't know if your doctor would disagree. I had a prescription for it to get through grad school because I had similar issues with my meds (though my diagnosis is PTSD). What helped me get through classes was setting very small goals because my problem came from feeling overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that had to get done.

[IDoNotExist]

Originally Posted by JJBX

That's really tough! I'm sure the nasty weather we've been getting really isn't doing your psyche many favors. As much as it would stink to have more pills added to your regimen, is it possible to seek out Adderall as a temporary fix? It could help offset the sleepiness of your other meds, though I don't know if your doctor would disagree. I had a prescription for it to get through grad school because I had similar issues with my meds (though my diagnosis is PTSD). What helped me get through classes was setting very small goals because my problem came from feeling overwhelmed with the amount of stuff that had to get done.

Weather doesn't bother me; I like this type of weathr.

I tried concerta once. Stimulants seem to make my anxiety worse Even when I try caffeine, it's seemingly too strong for me.

I think I'm just going to have to live with it or have it adjusted slightly. I do think I have ADD issues, but I can't take stimulants. My concentration was worse on concerta.

[madgeniusgardener]

The last time I went to school (for a Tech degree, already had a bachelor's by that time) I ran into an acquaintance at the book store. She was a retired college professor and was very excited for me to be going back. She warned me that it would take one semester to get back in the habit of studying and that every student she met spent that first term procrastinating. From community college to the master's level. She was right.

I know of a woman who was in an accelerated MBA program at the Wharton School of Business. She went to the ER one night with panic symptoms and found all of her classmates also in the ER for panic. All of them. So you are not alone.

An element of school is just stressful no matter who you are.

I don't know about the rest.

[(JD)]

Don't leave... but do contact the school counselor and ask for "accommodations"!!! You might need to cut back on the number of classes (without being penalized) ... you might need someone to take notes for you (if you aren't able to attend or if your mind is too muddled to think and take notes too)... actually the counselor should have a list of accommodations that generally help people with your disorders (and there are plenty of students that suffer as well).

Don't give up. Graduate school is no walk in the park for anyone, and the desire to excel can deepen the depression. Been there, done that.

[Hexagram]

Maybe the stress of graduate school is harmful to your mental health. Sometimes it takes more courage to stop a commitment that is hurting you than to persevere through the pain. Don't be afraid to call it off.

[BeaFlower]

I'm sorry that it's not going well. You're great for trying to do this for yourself. I don't know well how it works in USA, but maybe there are other ways to get financial aids, for example with a little job at college. I agree that talking to a counselor at college would be the best thing. Personally, I think that if the situation makes you feel overwhelmed it would be better to take less courses, though you can't have the financial aid. But I don't know exactly your financial situation.
I think that it would be a pity to stop. Doing something like this for yourself could really help you to feel better, once you have found your own pace and method.

[RisuNeko]

Don't give up on school, and don't give in to suicide. You have it in you to do this. You've made it this far. You are strong. Stronger than the average person because you are doing this on top of bipolar disorder.

[ChipperMonkey]

Register with disability services. Best thing you could do for yourself.

[mike4july1972]

I would like to help you academically. How can I do that?