Never on time Help

Hi everyone, My daughter suffers with anxioty and depression. Although she seems to be feeling better and says sher has been having more good days than bad, to be honest I don't know. School is a big trigger. My issue is this, no matter what time I get her up, she is never on time for school. She is on an IEP with her first class being one that is a small class that is more like a studdy hall with teachers there to make sure she is prepared for each class to lessen any anxioty she may get for not being prepared. She is never on time for it. If I bug her as she calls it, it is a blow up crying fit and we are even later. I try to not set her off but her being late everyday is making me anxous. We are not talking 5-10 min, no we are talking an hour or more. She will just sit there and slowly get ready, take a really long time to eat breakfast or just sit there on her phone. Alot of times this also m akes me late for work too and I am getting in trouble and I already used up my FMLA to be home with her when she got out of the hospital. When I give her time reminders she gets mad, when I ask her to hurry up a bit she blows me off. I do not want to fight everyday but I have been to sooo many meetings and so many people worked really hard to get this help for her. She has a very high iq so proving to the school board and supertendants office that she did need help was not eassy. Anyone have any ideas on how to get her there on time? I would resort to changing all the clocks if the cable box and cell phones did not set themselves. I know school is hard for her and I comend her for fighting through to even go, but It would be fantastic if she would make it to this class we all fought so hard for and she said she would go to. So frustrated. Anyone have any suggestions? She really does not seem to care at all that she is blowing off the first part of school. Like completly indifferent. I need help. She will end up redoing Freshman year and I'm going to loose my job.

I read somewhere that choosing to be late is about needing to be in control...I know that doesn't help, but maybe she feels that is the one thing she can control.

Unfortunately, if she chooses to keep being late, she will have to suffer the consequences. Sometimes kids/people only learn when there are...consequences. You cannot force her to be responsible...I know the frustration ; I had a son like that; all of the meetings in school, talking, etc.....did not work; he had to figure it out for himself.......he didn't graduate with his class, and chose instead to go to Summer school.

I thought he would be a failure and never amount to anything, but he found his own way....and is now the owner of a successful business; I never would have believed that.

It is hard to do, but I would STOP telling her what to do (she knows).

Thank you, that makes so much sense. Now that I think of it, there a lot of things that fit the trying to control theory. And you are right, she does know. At this point I am so upset I am not going to be saying much to her, I just don't want the attitude or the fighting, I have had enough today. But I will take your advise. I am going to try not telling her what to do and see what happens. Thanks ..... Tunnel --->Light ! Hoooray!

I don't know if this helps. I'm very smart but have a benign brain tumor, epilepsy, and am on epilepsy meds. I also have always had a melancholic streak.

I hated school with an undying passion. I loved learning. I loved the idea of learning. I even liked starting school each fall. I hated school. It was a big boring, socially excruciating, mentally and physically exhausting pain. You had to get up at crack-o-dawn thirty, have people tell you what to do all day long, and get picked on. Teachers just nagged me constantly, and all I wanted to do was be left alone. I just can't tell you how miserable it was. I loved band, which I was very serious about, and enjoyed AP English. That was pretty much it.

Now, as an adult with a masters degree, I can tell you that HS was a complete waste of time, and a dehumanizing experience. I tried substitute teaching, and as big a waste of time HS was for me, it is REALLY a waste of time for them. There is nothing going on. (At least at the schools where I was.)

I don't know what you can take from that, or if your daughter feels at all the same. I guess I'm just saying that your daughter may be consciously or unconsciously avoiding pain and agony. That's not an excuse for being irresponsible, or making it a pain for you, but it might help to know if she is going through something like that.

I'll try to be more concrete. My junior year I had a major depression. Once a month or so I had a seizure at night and had to go to school the next day. I had a bad girlfriend experience. I was so miserable. I would go to class and fall asleep. There was no way I could possibly stay awake. I think my body was shutting down in an effort to escape. My whole body ached.

I have always been bad at math. So, I'm in math class where I'm not learning anything (even though I wanted to). I can't follow it, and feel so stupid. I'm straining every nerve to try and stay awake, but keep falling asleep. I'm getting neck whiplash (like Peppermint Patty... *I'M AWAKE*) As if that wasn't enough, my math teacher keeps bothering me about it. She won't let me sleep. I can't handle it, all I want to do is put my head down on the desk and rest. I'm not causing trouble. I'm trying to stay awake. I must have looked miserable (well, I know I looked miserable). Eventually she humiliates me by calling a conference with my parents. She meant well, but it was awful. That's the sort of thing I had to face everyday.

Nicoleflynn gave you good advice, but I would also talk to my daughter and tell her:

She cannot be permitted to cause you to lose your job.
That she is old enough and intelligent enough to get ready for school on time.
That she will get a fifteen minutes to go warning (I'd set a timer) if she likes; if she chooses not to have the timer set, then she is STILL TO BE ON TIME. There will be no more arguing, fighting, or crying about it.

I assume you are taking her to school? When she is not on time, leave without her. She can walk to school, or bike to school, or perhaps take the city bus? (have her options ready along with all directions and 1 bus fare, etc. laid away in the cupboard).

Tell her on the day when she drags her feet, you will go to work, and you will call the school telling them to expect her. So you will KNOW if she does not show up, and what time she DOES show up.

I am assuming she has a reliable alarm clock; that she does not have barriers to sleeping well; that she is getting enough sleep; and that she has some fun in her life otherwise.

Weeks where she has done as expected deserve a little treat: a favorite dinner, and a whole month could result in a manicure or something similar.

I like IceCreamKid's advice but would personally amend some of it. I'd take away the distractions (the cell phone especially) and make her earn them. They cost you money, money you will not have if you lose your job? Getting up is a chore! No one likes to do that, to get to work or school on time and there's no reason she should get "special" treatment on that. I would set some more responsibilities in addition to getting up and to school on time, find some things she can help with around the house. She's old enough to learn that food, shelter, and clothing are not from Santa Clause/free? The food has to be prepared, the dishes washed, the garbage taken out, etc. If she cannot "cope" with going along with a more advanced program yet, take her back to basics and she can gradually earn more rewards and greater responsibilities (like money of her own to spend).

I would agree with the phone. Have the discussion on a weekend so if she melts down it doesn't affect a morning. Tell her that when you wake up you will take the phone. She gets it back when you are in the car, on time, leaving for school. If she is not on time she can't have the phone until tomorrow if she's on time.

Good luck!

I was a Sophomore when I was depressed, and I can tell you that you're very right at the fat the school is a big trigger. I had a lot of trouble getting up and getting started with the days as well. It is really hard sometimes. You might want to try talking to your daughter about her nighttime routine and how much sleep she gets at night. Depression can really mess that up, so make sure she gets enough sleep at night. Also, patience is key. Feeling rushed adds to any existing stress. If she doesn't seem to be doing well, you should let her sit alone for a moment to collect herself. Remember that nothing is going to happen overnight. It will take time. Good luck

I work with kids who have trouble attending school Your daughter's story sounds soooo familiar. First, you said she is anxious and depressed. Is she in therapy? If not, start ASAP. She needs to learn some coping skills to deal with both.

Someone mentioned this being a control issue. It is for a lot of the kids I work with. The solution is to not engage in the power struggle, which can be hard. If she's old enough to be a freshman in high school she's old enough to take some responsibility for herself.

Some suggestions - 1) if she doesn't have her own alarm clock get her one. Tell her she is expected to get up in the morning and get ready. If she is willing, you could also give her a wake up call about 10 minutes after the alarm goes off. But only call her ONCE.

2) Take her phone away at bedtime the night before. She can have it back in the car on the way to school if she is ready to leave on time.

3) If she isn't ready for school when you need to leave for work, leave without her. No begging with her to get ready. No repeated warnings that you are leaving. Let her know ahead of time what time you are leaving. If she wants it, give her a 10 minute warning. Then leave without her if she's not ready. If she is late for school or ends up missing the day, LET HER FACE THE CONSEQUENCES ON HER OWN!

The bottom line is to disengage from the power struggle and let her face the consequences for her choices. This might seem harsh, but it's the only way she's going to learn to get ready. Before anyone jumps on me about being "mean", how many employers will allow a person to cruise into work whenever they want because they don't/can't be on time? Part of being a parent is to prepare kids for the world once they are on their own.

Take her phone away until she is at school. Take it at night and charge it for her... maybe she is staying up all night texting etc?

Have her set her clothes and things out the night before. Restrict any other activities until she does what she is required to do.

I know some may think this too harsh, as she's depressed already. You'd be amazed at how good she will begin to feel as she does the things she knows she should do--and you praise her for it. It will begin the upward spiral. Arguing won't work...she needs discipline and now. Children crave discipline...rules and guidelines so they know where they stand....

...and like another mentioned, if she doesn't learn this NOW with YOU the hard way... she may never learn it...and it's a cruel world out where she's going...

Yes, she needs to learn how to cope and how to push through even when she doesn't feel like it...if she won't learn that from you, maybe she'll listen to someone outside the family.