I have one more semester left and for last semester and this semester, the student department meetings have gone from every two weeks to once a week. I'm heavily triggered during most of them. I usually leave feeling suicidal and since I have a history of self-harm, I have to delay going home until I feel safe being by myself again. Even if I get past the feelings of wanting to hurt myself, I'm still usually so depressed that I can't do anything the rest of the night. I just can't do this for another semester. It seems wrong that those of us working on dissertations and are candidates should be required. Especially since none of us in the final semester have a departmental TA. I think one of us has a TA in another department, but that's beside the point. Other doctoral students have had to skip meals because they don't have time to eat between when the class/meeting is and I know I've had to lose a whole night of work because it's at the most inconvenient time.

Bottom line is I have no idea how to survive this semester of meetings. The only way to cope I can think of is to put earbuds in if I can somehow hide the fact that I'm using them. I've really been struggling with depression the last few months and I really can't cope with the level of triggers these meetings cause. Does anybody have any better ideas? I'm pretty sure I can get away with skipping some, but probably not all of them.

[lizardlady]

Instead of not attending the meetings is there something you could do about whatever is triggering you at the meetings?

[Talthybius]

I could give a normal response describing my experience with department meetings in our chair group. I always think they are a lot of fun and are a nice breakup of usual work. And often some interesting science is discussed.

But this seems like a serious mental health issue for you. I'd say try to work out something talking with your therapist, then with your supervisor.

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Instead of not attending the meetings is there something you could do about whatever is triggering you at the meetings?

I'm not entirely sure. What's being triggered are feelings of failure and ostracization. The second one in particular is coming from emotional wounds from my childhood up to this point in my life. If I were to bring up any of these feelings, I would most likely be invalidated (as I am often) and/or people will simply not understand what I'm trying to communicate which will make me feel even more ostracized. So I'm a bit stumped as to what would help other than not being present (whether physically or mentally).

Originally Posted by Talthybius

I could give a normal response describing my experience with department meetings in our chair group. I always think they are a lot of fun and are a nice breakup of usual work. And often some interesting science is discussed.

But this seems like a serious mental health issue for you. I'd say try to work out something talking with your therapist, then with your supervisor.

The way you describe it is the way it's supposed to be, but due to the environment at the school and my sensitivity to ostracization, it's not the positive environment it's supposed to be. The school tends to make it clear which ones of us are important and which ones of us don't matter at all. The departmental meetings often devolve into what feels like bragging about their own professional achievements without really opening a discussion of how others can pursue the same sorts of opportunities. That's not always the case, but it is too often. Then those of us who haven't had those opportunities feel like complete failures...especially when it's an underclassman who's doing something that one of us graduate students has wanted to do for a decade or so. It doesn't feel like we can get help from others and that others would ever accept our help. So there's this strong feelings of not belonging.

And unfortunately, I'm also required to prepare a 50 minute lecture for one of the meetings, so that's extra work I probably won't have a lot of time to do. So that's stressful. It really should just be discussions and sharing our work and being supportive of each other.

ETA:
The new professor that started this year (and is head of just our department of 20 some people) can also be condescending. He really likes trying to keep asking questions until he catches you not knowing an answer and then you feel humiliated in front of your peers. So when you give a presentation or lead a discussion, you are made to feel stupid and inept. So I'm not sure what I'll do the presentation on. If I'm not the preeminent world scholar on the subject or he doesn't feel that he is (and he thinks he knows EVERYTHING ), then I would feel "too stupid" to talk about it.

I missed the first one of the semester because of a conflict and the second because of weather...now it's the third week (and my first time going this semester) and I went from a good mood with quite a bit of energy to low/depressed mood and no energy.

I'm just invisible. Nonexistent. The whole exclusion thing is a pretty big trigger...

[Nammu]

Would it help to think that each one you attend brings you that much closer to the end of the semester and freedom?

It might. Hopefully I'll be able to graduate this semester after all. I'm afraid I'm going to forget something or wait too long to do something. I have too much going on to actually concentrate on anything. At this point I have barely any time to finish up my dissertation. I couldn't make it through another semester though.

I might be changing my presentation topic to something that I have an easier time defending that I don't know EVERYTHING about it. I just wish I (and others) could be comfortable presenting without needing to know everything. Without fearing being interrogated and being made to feel worthless and like an idiot because we're humiliated in front of all our peers. Or maybe it's just me who's hurt by it? The new head of the department (as of this year) has picked on me and made me feel stupid and inept enough that the last presentation I did I struggled. I'm not supposed to even have one this semester. The one I had last semester apparently didn't count! I'm always so depressed I can barely function during or after studio. How in the world am I supposed to give a presentation when my confidence is nonexistent and I have no energy or ability to think. I just shut down as soon as I'm in this environment. And since last semester didn't count because I apparently failed, I don't know how to even approach this. I find the anxiety overwhelming if I think about presenting because I can't possibly prepare enough. And I'm overwhelmed by how much I apparently need to do.

[Symbiosis]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I might be changing my presentation topic to something that I have an easier time defending that I don't know EVERYTHING about it. I just wish I (and others) could be comfortable presenting without needing to know everything. Without fearing being interrogated and being made to feel worthless and like an idiot because we're humiliated in front of all our peers. Or maybe it's just me who's hurt by it? The new head of the department (as of this year) has picked on me and made me feel stupid and inept enough that the last presentation I did I struggled. I'm not supposed to even have one this semester. The one I had last semester apparently didn't count! I'm always so depressed I can barely function during or after studio. How in the world am I supposed to give a presentation when my confidence is nonexistent and I have no energy or ability to think. I just shut down as soon as I'm in this environment. And since last semester didn't count because I apparently failed, I don't know how to even approach this. I find the anxiety overwhelming if I think about presenting because I can't possibly prepare enough. And I'm overwhelmed by how much I apparently need to do.

Academia is so poisonous. I've had so many different jobs in my life but I've never seen any environment that is so into hierarchy and fake nonsense. Even working in a hospital wasn't as bad. They really all need to get over themselves. I don't blame you for feeling terrible in those meetings. Be good to yourself afterwards is all I can offer. There is a larger world out there and they lump professors all together. A PhD is an amazing achievement and you are in the home stretch