Advice needed: Should I return home?

p { margin-bottom: 0.25cm; line-height: 120%; } Hi,

I need advice on a decision I have to make.

As long as I can remember, I’ve had very low self-confidence and was anxious about being inferior than others in something. First about school in elementary school (I was diagnosed with OCD back then), then about my hobbies and interests. At the end of high school, I often missed classes and procrastinated a lot, just to distract myself from my fears. I couldn’t do much schoolwork because every time I tried I felt paralysed with fear of not being as disciplined, curious or talented as other people. Fortunately, even without trying hard, I still made it through graduation.

One year ago, I began my undergraduate studies abroad. I guess I thought leaving the usual environment would enable me to finally leave my troubles behind as well. But of course, I took my problems with me.
Three months into my studies I couldn’t go on any more. The same anxiety I had in high school caught up to me and made learning or even socialising impossible. In the end, I didn’t leave my apartment for one whole week.

I finally had enough and returned to my home country to work on my problems. I met up with old friends, spent time with my parents and even spent two months in a mental facility to heal.
Finally, two months ago, I continued studying where I left off. I thought this time it would be better and that I finally learned that other people could accept me for who I am, and I could as well.

But now, almost a year after I left for my home country the first time, everything’s the same. The new courses started last week and I’m riddled with extreme anxiety that I won’t make it. I didn’t go to university at all since Tuesday a week ago. I’m too afraid to answer to any texts from people from university and spend the whole day surfing the Internet, just burying my emotions under heaps of information to keep me from staring into the void. When my mother visited last week and I wasn’t able to spend every waking moment distracting myself, I had a near nervous breakdown just from the realisation how lost I am.

I’m really afraid of the future. I don’t think I can return to university any time soon, but what else can I do? At the moment, it doesn’t seem as if I’ll ever be able to do anything with my life at all, just because I’m in my own way. And it’s been like that every day of the last four years. I really don’t know if there’s any hope for me, and I feel ashamed talking to people outside my family about that.



My question to you: Now of course the question if I would like to return home once more is raised again by my parents. I feel incredibly torn about that since I worked on being able to return to study here the entire last year. What would you do?

Hello Grath: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I don't know if there is really much I can offer here in the way of advice. I'm an older person now. But many years ago my experience was similar to what you describe. (I'll spare you the details...)

What I would like to suggest is that whether you stay at university or return home is, to some extent, secondary to the question... what are you... what can you... do to heal? Somehow you have to try to find a way to resolve the low self-confidence, feelings of inferiority & anxiety you experience. Otherwise this is going to plague you for your entire life I fear... at least that was my experience.

I know you mentioned you spent a couple of months in a mental health facility. And hopefully that was helpful. But overcoming what you're dealing with is a long-term commitment. So if you can somehow manage to stay at university & pursue the healing you so desperately need, then I would say definitely stay in school. But if realistically you cannot, then perhaps returning home is the better choice. However it must not be simply a return to the security of home. There needs to be some sort of plan in place for what you're going to do in order to heal once you get there & how you're going to move forward. I don't know you. And so I'm afraid that's about as much as I can offer with regard to your concern. However that is my thinking with regard to your post. I wish you well...

Thank you very much, Skeezyks. You're right, the question of where to stay is secondary. I didn't think about that at all, just about "Am I giving up?", "Am I running away from my problems again?" and so on...
I'm back at my parents now, and will see someone next week. I hope I'll have a direction to go in soon again.