[shakespeare47]

I'd like to give up anger and especially angry outbursts....

C. is the hardest person for me to deal with right now.
We're both in the same program and plan to graduate next year.
I've known him for several years, we've had many classes together. He views me as competition and appears to believe he must "win" at all costs whenever we're in classes together. I'm finding it difficult to deal with him in ways that don't require me to stoop to his level.

On Monday night I was just tired of him always trying to control the class (this was the first class of the summer semester, but he has a habit of trying to control the class), including when we meet, how many times, whether or not we'll leave early, etc. The new (to our school) professor also made a few remarks to put him in his place.

Basically at the end of the last semester, C. told everyone that the classes we signed up for for the summer would be independent study and that we'd only meet every other week. He got to class, found out it wasn't the case, then spent a good deal of the time in class trying to get the professor to change the schedule to meet his expectations.

I did accuse him of spreading rumors (the rumor being that the classes would be independent study and only meet every other week) and told him loudly that if he didn't want to show up for class, then that was fine with me... I let him know that I was there to learn the material.

Anyway, I regret making the accusations (but, I think it's true- he just wanted something, and tried to make sure he got it... he didn't)... and I regret telling him off loudly in front of the whole class. The instructor didn't seem to mind at all. If anything, I think he was happy I told C. off.

Even though I rather regret it, I'm not sure what I could/should have done differently. I don't think it's appropriate for C. to always try to dominate the classroom... although I have to admit that I've been known to be domineering myself.

Sometimes I feel like I must react, because I don't like it when he makes me look bad... But, admittedly, he does the same thing to the professors. I heard him loudly and angrily call a professor a liar recently.

[shakespeare47]

I think one possible alternative might have just been to say something like, "I know C. wanted to meet every other week, but I'm happy with the way things turned out, because I'm afraid we wouldn't have had enough time to do justice to the course."

[shakespeare47]

I think much of the problem is that I spend a lot of time feeling frustrated (and obsessing over that frustration) about things over which I literally have no control. I cannot control what other people say or do...

What I really want from other people is that they always treat me with respect and that they always at least try to understand my point of view.

What I can work on is dealing with the fact that people don't always treat others with respect... and I have to acknowledge that I've failed in that area as well. I can also work on ways to express my point of view, even when I am misjudged, and I can do that with patience and equanimity. And I have to admit that I don't always put much effort into considering others' point of view.

[shakespeare47]

C. sometimes surprises me with the suddenness and viciousness of his attacks.

I have this article saved as a resource for how suggestions about how to deal with difficult people. (here is another)

How to Distance Yourself from Toxic People
You aren't being mean or making a scene, you're just minding your mental health.

With toxic people – a neighbor who routinely lashes out in anger, for instance – the need to steer clear can be pretty apparent. But with difficult people in your daily life, problems can be more insidious and subtle. Maybe it's a friend, whose negativity is now dragging you down. It might be a mercurial co-worker you can't always avoid. Or it could be a close family member who thinks blood excuses bad behavior.

Whoever it is, when encounters routinely leave you stressed out, demoralized and uncomfortable, it's time to distance yourself for the sake of mental health and peace of mind. Read on for expert tips on setting boundaries and separating with firmness and grace.

You might recognize some of the following people in your life:

The narcissist. The world calls her "wonderful," acquaintances call her "charming" and therapists call her "narcissistic." You, however, just call her "Mom."

Narcissists can be some of the toughest types for family members to deal with, says Anita Gadhia-Smith, a psychotherapist who practices in the District of Columbia and Bethesda, Maryland. Gaslighting, or denying reality, is a hallmark of these challenging people.

"If you're involved with a narcissist, you're always questioning yourself because you don't get much empathy; you don't get much validation," she says. "You have your reality discounted, and you start to wonder whether you're crazy."

Gadhia-Smith describes how one young woman finally took a break from a difficult relationship with her mother by temporarily limiting contact to text messages. "That gave her a sense of empowerment, because she felt like she was in charge of her relationship, and it was no longer totally about her mother," she says.

People who sense they're being kept at a distance often push back in these situations, Gadhia-Smith says, and this narcissistic parent was no exception. How do you handle people who will not be ignored? "If you repeatedly send mixed messages, they're more likely to hang on," she says. "It's your responsibility to be clear and consistent and kind. And if they still won't get it, then they need to go and get some help for themselves."

In this case, the daughter held her ground. After that period of separation, she was eventually able to set her own terms to resume the relationship, with a new sense of autonomy, agency and personal power.

The chaos lover. It goes way beyond not being a good team player in the workplace. "These people really just enjoy chaos – that's sort of their mode of operating," says Travis Bradberry, author of "Emotional Intelligence 2.0." "That's really their orientation to the world and other people. You don't need to worry about them – you just need to worry about yourself." As you present a well-researched plan in a meeting, for instance, it's that person who makes irrational objections, just because. "It's one thing to argue the point," Bradberry says. "It's another thing to be pushing people's buttons and creating unneccessary difficulty."

Don't add fuel to the fire by engaging, Bradberry advises. Instead, remove yourself from the situation so you can see it as an objective third party. "Because that allows you to approach it rationally and see that kind of obvious, hovering solution that you can't see when you're really pissed off, and you're trying to fight crazy with crazy," he says. Stepping back allows you to see the long-term view and come back with a better battle plan.

The negativity spreader. Having good boundaries can keep you out of the emotional clutches of a chronic complainer, Bradberry says. This is the person around whom the water-cooler conversation always turns negative. You don't have to be sucked into the vortex, he says. Instead, simply opt not to join in – head back to your desk or take a quick walk. "You're able to set limits – you have complete control over that," he says. "You just have to stick to them." It's not about stonewalling or shutting the person out, he adds. "A lot of it is not participating in conversations you normally participate in." Setting limits in a matter-of-fact way reaps big benefits in lowering your stress levels, he says.

The dependent. A needy, clingy friend drags you down, but you don't want to hurt his or her feelings by putting space between you. "We can just feel really tired around certain people," Gadhia-Smith says. "I call these people 'spiritual vampires' who drain us. They might not be doing anything overtly bad but some people just suck the life out of us, and we don't know why."

That can be a case for "portion control," she says – spacing out interactions and keeping them within time limits you've set. "If a relationship is too expensive, then you practice portion control if you want to stay in it," she says. "And figure out how much of that person works for you. How much is good for you. If you don't want to stay in a relationship, you find a way to graciously move on."

There are two basic ways to do that, according to Gadhia-Smith. "You can gradually wean yourself from a relationship and become slowly less and less available and kind of phase them out and phase it down," she says. "Or you can talk to them and say, 'I don't really think this is a great fit. I respect you, and I appreciate you, but I think it's best we go our separate ways.'"

Everyone is needy at some level, Gadhia-Smith says. Still, she adds, "We have to learn how to get our needs met without overwhelming any one person in our lives, to spread out our dependency needs." As the person seeking distance, she says, you must look out for your emotional health: "You limit the time; you limit the conversations. You give from your bounty and not your reserve."

The odd man out. Triangles can be tricky, and it's not always clear whom in a relationship, if anyone, is at fault. But when the three-way dynamic shifts from comfortable to awkward, it's might be time to move on. Gadhia-Smith describes a common scenario: Someone is upset with their husband or wife, so they vent and unload to a friend, filling in the details.

"But then they make up, and they're back in love with the spouse," she says. "But they've talked to the friend, who becomes negative about the spouse." While the couple moves forward, she says, the friend may not forgive or forget. "[The friend] might not go back to liking the person quite as much," she says. "They can hold a grudge." That leaves the confider feeling uncomfortable, and the friendship may suffer.

In cases like this, it's not really about a single difficult person, but a difficult situation. One way to keep a healthy distance is to not treat friends or family members as neutral counselors. That, Gadhia-Smith says, is why people see therapists – there's no aftermath.

It's not just them. When every interaction leaves you impatient or irritated, and when you judge those around you and find most of them wanting, the common denominator is likely staring back at you in the mirror. You have met the difficult person – and it is you.

Or maybe it's a case of mutual bad behavior. It's important to make sure you're contributing to a situation, Gadhia-Smith says, instead of contaminating it. "It's being able to show up to the degree that you can and practice principles of courtesy, kindness, respect and tolerance," she says. "These are often the spiritual muscles that are being worked by difficult people. They give us a spiritual workout. It's a spiritual workout to build our muscles of courtesy, kindness, tolerance and love. And patience."

It doesn't have to be all or nothing, she says, and sometimes creating distance now can mean a better relationship later. "It could be days, weeks, months – sometimes even years," she says. "But while everyone is going through the process of life, we're all growing and changing. And sometimes you can go back, and things are different with the same person."

[shakespeare47]

I have to admit that I have attempted to "fight crazy with crazy" and I have retaliated...

I regret those actions. I may have first order desires (to react, to retaliate, to make them understand), but I also have second order desires (aka higher-order volitions). My second order desire is to always act with virtue in mind, to always act with equanimity.

I think we're all in a position to listen to our own higher order desires... they never go away.

[shakespeare47]

This is part of a continuing problem... That I see in 2 of the 3 people who are in the same program I'm in.

I've always cared about my grades, I study hard, and I make sure I do everything I can to learn the material.

Sometimes I talk about how much time I effort I put into my education. Sometimes I just buckle down and do the work, without talking about it.

I sometimes get reactions from other students, like "I got a C on the last test, but I don't care... what grade did you get?" Sometimes it's just a general attitude like, "Why do you try so hard? Why do you care? No one else cares..."

What I'd like to happen is for people to think to themselves, "S47 is studying hard and doing well. I want to do the same." What I see happening is that some people are thinking, "You think learning the material is important... I think that attitude is dumb."

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. This is a local community college, not a prestigious university.

[shakespeare47]

I'm going to try something I've never tried before. The next time C. says something outrageous and/or rude... I'm going to calmly say, "Thank you, C." And I'm going to stick to the issue, whatever it might be.

[shakespeare47]

Monday's class went okay. He was his usual self, but I think I handled him okay. I did feel my emotions rise a few times during the class (not just because of him).

[shakespeare47]

Last night was our last class. I have a week break, then I'm in another 16 week class with him.

The class that just ended required all 4 of us in the class to work together as a team, and we did fairly well, IMHO, and in the opinion of our instructor.

[GoodVibrations101]

If I were you (I was a graduate student in a couple of programs, and I'm now a teacher), I would keep a professional distance from C. It's the professor's job to inform C. if C. doesn't understand the course schedule or assignments. Make the professor do her/his job. Some graduate students can be difficult to have in class or do group work with due to competitiveness, pettiness, stupidity, nervousness, anti-sociability. Just go with the flow and don't be that guy. The more you can rise above the fray, the more you will be respected by your fellow students and professors. If C. disagrees directly with one of your ideas or criticizes you directly for some reason, then you should certainly respond directly and defend yourself. But only engage directly if you are assigned to by the professor or C. clearly attacks one of your statements, ideas, or presentations.

[shakespeare47]

I just started another class with C. I'm still finding it difficult to find ways to feel good about myself when I'm around him, and also not to stoop to his level.

When I was in grad school, I had several classes with a woman who sounds exactly like your classmate "C" in that she has a very domineering, controlling, abrasive personality. She too, would try to take control over our shared grad school evening classes many times; hog the conversation, interrupt people who wanted to contribute to the discussion, then insult those people's opinions who contributed, if her beliefs didn't jibe with theirs. Even our professors would roll their eyes when she showed up. I put up with her malarkey for 3 years. 3 years!

She's as toxic to my field of study, as Fukushima is toxic to our earth's oceans.

I tried to put her in her place, several times, and only succeeded once when I was stuck in a small group with her, because the professor came over and told her to basically be quiet and stop interrupting everyone in our small group, and let everyone contribute what they are supposed to. Another time, she responded with a snarky remark about my contribution to a class discussion.

Well, I couldn't help myself. I put her in her place with a mutually snarky retort. It made for a tense moment, but it didn't deter the class discussion other than during our 30 minute class break, when she took the opportunity to come over to my table and make the empty threat that our mutual friends (not in our grad school program, but whom we both have known for ages) would be hearing about our interaction during class, and would then dump me, per her opinion. Pfft. It didn't work. Our mutual friends are smart, and told her to keep her opinions to herself (I never brought it up with them). Unfortunately, we ran into each other at our mutual friend's NYE party (this was a few years ago), and just traded dagger-filled glares (haha!) and ignored each other. When we graduated from our program, luckily, we didn't sit next to each other due to our last names starting with different letters. I'll never forget her. She was a right B-----!

I can't STAND domineering, narcissistic, overbearing people. It's like they have to put everyone down, to boost themselves up (probably b/c they have zero self esteem). I suppose I should have compassion for her, but I have none. I save my compassion for people who deserve it. She doesn't. She's a rude, obnoxious, domineering person who makes everyone around her miserable.

Anyways, I can relate to your situation. All I can advise to you, is to try to avoid classroom confrontations with your "C" classmate. He sounds like an antagonist who likes to dominate others. Yuck. I don't blame you for your outburst, b/c he deserved it. Just don't let him know he can push your buttons anymore.

Because he'll try to keep pushing your buttons every chance he gets in class again, for his own amusement. People like him are devoid of appropriate boundaries, because they get a rise out of invading other people's boundaries, i.e. a power trip for them.

[shakespeare47]

This article describes C. pretty well.

1. Instilling fear and discomfort in others: Do you know anyone who gets a “rush” from instilling fear? Sociopaths and inconsiderate, heartless people are good examples. It’s sickening to think that there are humans in this world who feel good about causing others to fear them. But those who enjoy this are often wounded themselves in some fashion (spiritually, emotionally/psychologically, etc). But having compassion on these people can be a trap. It is often best to keep these individuals at a distance as many tend to lack empathy.
2. Trying to control: Controlling individuals are not automatically “evil.” However, there are some controlling people who will go to extreme lengths to interrupt your life and peace of mind. They will become the agents of confusion and sometimes even intimidation all in an effort to gain some kind of control over you. Many domestic violence cases would apply here.
3. Manipulating and calculating: The manipulative and calculating behaviors and mind-games of Charles Manson would characterize this kind of evil. His ability to use his charm, social intelligence, and mannerisms to convince, persuade, and then ultimately harm is frightening. It worked on thousands of people and sadly, he wasn’t caught until later in his life. Documentaries insinuate that his early childhood development may have been a contributing factor to his deep-rooted evil.
4. Triangulating: I define triangulation as an individual creating confusion between one or more people unintentionally or intentionally which results in confusion, unresolved hurt feelings, and anger. You can read more about it in my previous article.
5. Using emotions to dominate: Have you ever heard of Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy or factitious disorder? Both conditions (which are used interchangeably) involve a parental figure creating symptoms in the child in order to receive some kind of emotional or psychological accolades or support that they personally desire. it is conceptualized as child abuse/maltreatment as opposed to a mental health condition. A recent case puts this syndrome in perspective for you.
6. Destroys anything that is pleasant: Do you know someone who seems to destroy every ounce of peace and joy you (or anyone else) has access to without a real cause? Growing up I had a “friend” who would cry out of nowhere and make up stories (pathological liar) for the simple purpose of garnering attention. It wasn’t until she created division in many relationships that I said goodbye.
7. Seeking to humiliate you: We can all be humiliated by people who aren’t intentionally trying to embarrass us. We can also be humiliated by people who may not care what other people think. But someone who intends to ruin your reputation or “good name” is, in my opinion, evil. Natural human emotions such as envy or jealousy, competitiveness, or a need for attention can certainly become destructive forces in the lives of someone who possesses these feelings to an extreme degree. In other words, these normal human emotions are fleeting for most people but long-lasting for others. These people often have some form of sociopathic traits.
8. Stealing your identity: As stated above, some people (primarily sociopaths) tend to engage in behaviors that are completely destructive to others. Someone who tries to steal your identity and displays no empathy or regret, can certainly (in my view) be characterized as evil. What other explanation would there be for someone who blatantly destroys another and cares nothing about what they have done? We can label this person a sociopath, but a sociopath is a nice way to describe a human who is simply evil.
9. Minimizing your emotions: Minimization of your emotions without any consideration for how you feel is another form of evil. Sociopaths, pathological liars, people who triangulate and create confusion without remorse can also be considered evil agents.
10. Seeking to destroy you: Destruction of someone else’s life, their reputation, their peace of mind, their achievements, etc. is simply evil. Remember the movie Fatal Attraction? There you have it.

[TishaBuv]

Just remember why you are there— to learn the course material. Try not to focus on C. Since you’ve known him for a long time, just try to let it go and be friendly. I’ve seen those kinds of people that C is, over-bearing, and your feelings are completely understandable.

I agree that you didn’t need to get into it with C about the dates of the course, as that was the professor’s job, and he was telling C the way is was going to be (which was to your liking). You set yourself up for friction by treading where you didn’t need to.

[bunnyhabit]

you should ignore C and force the professor who is getting paid to manage class to do him job. you should make your feelings known to professor. yelling or fight other students can never win and you be called bully.

my problem is i would end up physically beating up C or if i cant beat him i make deal to do a wish for someone else if him beat up C. usual wish is naughty and i get trouble for doing it for him.

[shakespeare47]

I have him in 2 classes this semester. But! After this semester I'm done with my degree.

[shakespeare47]

It's going a lot better this semester. I suspect it's because I don't interact with him much.

[Talthybius]

I have classes now with my romantic interest. Two years ago, I asked her out after she started flirting with me. She rejected me. I have been obsessively in love with her ever since, but I don't know if she realizes this. I barely saw her for 1.5 years. Now we have all classes together again.

Before we had romantic tension, we were both top students who compete to ask the professors the most interesting questions. This grew naturally.

But now, I had practical courses with her. And she was really focused on if I made mistakes. She seemed really intent to find flaws in my work and call me out on it. She sarcastically dished me when I made a mistake, in front of everyone. She called me a b itch jokingly when I didn't wait for her to start an experiment (I never told her I would wait for her). She said I was bad at something as a joke. She firmly said 'I disagree' and 'you are wrong' in our WhatsApp group.

We worked together smoothly though. She asked me if she was being too *****y, and I told her 'I can handle it' and I said 'I think it is fun' (if you are being *****y to me).

I am horrible at mental arithmetic, but she is a natural. I do however have a good memory. When I remembered her mental arithmetic correctly and recalled it, she said 'that's almost scary' about the way I appeared to calculate things. But it was her calculation that she told me the answer to just before. I was almost scared to make a mistake as she is much smarter. Some of our experiments failed, and when I told her I felt I was to blame and felt bad about it, she did console me by saying she believed it wasn't my mistake and the failure was probably beyond our control. So clearly, she also engaged in the push-pull & positive-negative banter.
Furthermore, she asked for my advice several time when we were working individually, when she could have ignored me.

She asked what classes I signed up to. Then she signed up to the same ones. That's kind of natural, as we have the same interests and there aren't many classes. But she did ask. She told me she graduated her BSc. I congratulated her. Then days later, she told me she got cum laude and mentioned her final grade. I congratulated her. She asked if I also got cum laude. I said 'yes'. She didn't congratulate me. I told her I was stressed out about getting it. She was surprised. She told she just tried to have fun and got it 'by accident'.
We both did the same science competition, but at different years. I congratulated her last year. She didn't congratulate me. In fact, she barely asked me about it.

But, after she invited her practical group for dinner and only me and one other guy showed up, somehow things changed. I realized that this dinner with her might be the greatest and most important moment of my life that I would remember dearly for the next 10 years. I offered to help her cook dinner. She replied in WhatsApp with a emoticon percentage of 50% and she accepted my offer to help. It was almost a date as for a long time it was the two of us, and her room mates. In fact, her room mates may have thought I was her date as I wore a fancy dress shirt and she wore her no.1 nicest blouse. She told many interesting things about herself, including insecurities, but only once asked about me (and I gave a basic answer in a boring way when she did).

She now seems afraid of the feedback I gave on her written work. I corrected a spelling error when she was still working on her part of the report, and she told me to stop correcting her unfinished work. In the mean time, she hasn't worked on it for 2 weeks when it was supposed to be done. We had a holiday period in between and she went away on holiday. She very formally messaged me that she would try to work on the report on holiday. I told her very casually that she shouldn't worry about it and enjoy her holiday instead. Then, she told me she had a very busy week (lots of social events and parties, I guess) and that she would do it over the weekend. One more week has passed and the deadline is in a few days. I am supposed to write a conclusion based on her writings and she knows I am waiting for her to finish it. She agreed to a deadline where everything would be finished by now.

Now, we still share classes, but she avoids me. She even hush hushed me from explaining something to her and a fellow student (my explanation was uninvited, I did insert myself in their discussion) because the lecturer wanted to start. She has a way of letting me know she isn't interested in talking to me. Small talk or science talk.

I don't know what her problem is now. Yes, I liked her a lot. And while I never told her, she should know. But she has no reason to assume it is so strong and still there. But why are we rivals now? I showed her respect for her academic ability. A lot of it. I also showed overall trust in her. Why was she so keen to pick up errors in my work? Why is she afraid I find mistakes in her work? Why won't she just tell me she needs more time? Why did she agree to a deadline she failed to meet, then kept quiet? Why doesn't she allow me to ask her how her holiday went? We were almost engaging romantically. I showed I accepted the rejection, or at least I tried very hard. We worked together nicely. We almost had some things going that friends have. We had some push-pull positive-negative banter.

And now, complete change.

We have a few more classes together. I wonder if she is really afraid of me in some way. Or she wants to intimidate me because she feels intimidated by me because I like her too much.

This was probably too long and not on topic, but this seems like a dynamic similar to the one discussed here. I try so hard to not be Asperger's, arrogant, overbearing. I try so hard to be a team player. But doing that and at the same time be a spontaneous person is hard. I thought I was really doing it well. Fact
is, I have to fake it because I don't like most people. I also don't dislike them. It's me having a flat affluent when it comes to other people.

Did she really fake liking working with me? Either to make it easier for herself? Or to make us perform better overall, and make everything go smoother. And now that there is no more reason to do so, I get completely ignored? So she never enjoyed it, even though she was laughing and we had engaging banter?

The group of people I am doing assignments with right now, I basically gave up on trying to score a nice mark to avoid endless discussions because these two people are friends and already cannot agree among themselves and will team up against me because they are friends, regardless of what I say. They basically said to me 'we don't care how correct our answers are as we already know we won't get an A and we won't get a C. We get a B regardless of our answer, so let's keep these wrong and incomplete answers in our report'.

At this point, I am almost at the point where I may consider deliberately saying something stupid, so other's won't feel I am too smart and will dislike me for it. It pains me to correct people, because I can never seem to do it smoothly enough. It is painful to go out of my way to compliment someone on the correct things they said before pointing out the mistake they made.

How I wish that instead I had been grouped with my romantic interest for this assignment. And it should be mutual (but apparently it isn't).

[Talthybius]

I talked to some student friends, and they all said this was strange/mean/unacceptable.

I decided to confront her. My goal was for her to say she was sorry. When I confronted her, she gave a bunch of excuses as I kept pressing her. Basically, she was really busy and she forgot, or so she said. I expressed my disappointment in that we couldn't teamwork and communicate better. I asked her if I could have done something differently, and she actually said I should have asked her several times if she already did her work. Then finally, she admitted that she could have let me know. She then promised to do the work asap and I asked her if she was happy on how we talked this out, and she said 'yes'.

Later, when we were near finishing the report and she gave me positive feedback on my new addition, she started to talk about it again and about how she thought others missing their deadlines by one day caused her to miss hers by weeks. But she then also said she was sorry she caused me inconvenience. I then said I was sorry for being a bit angy-ish and she said 'no worries'. I then asked if she was doing ok, with all the busy stuff going on and she said 'yes'. I then managed to get her to tell a bit more about what she was busy with.

So I got the apology I wanted and for sure there are no more hard feelings. Maybe she respects me a tiny bit more now. But I didn't get her attention, like I would have liked. She still doesn't put herself in my orbit or seek me out to chat or have lunch.

Basically, I faked being as busy as she was when in fact I had only a few things going on in my social life, trying to make her think she caused a big problem and making her say she was sorry. But I talked a fellow student into doing the work for us. So now not me and not my romantic interest did all the work. That's not how I usually do stuff and it feels a bit dirty. I still did a lot of work and this third person was happy to help out. But it was all a trick.