[whinygenxer]

I just don’t care anymore. I used to care when I was little. I would do the work diligently. It was easy, to be honest. I don’t think school ever challenged me. It’s not because it’s hard. That’s not the problem.

Eventually I started to understand it, in the context of the real world. I think things started clicking when I got my first bit of “busywork”. I would complete an assignment before anybody else, and so I was given more work to do while the other finished their assignments, work that nobody else would have to do, almost like a punishment for being good at the work. That was when I started picking up that the work was ultimately arbitrary.

Don’t get me wrong, some of the concepts make sense to teach kids. I think there’s a basic layer of knowledge kids should be required to pick up. But adults seem to think that, if given the chance to do whatever they want, kids won’t pursue knowledge they want on subjects they’re passionate about, so they decide to force a great big stew of random information they most likely don’t want or need down their throats.

And I’m just sick of it. I don’t want to do it anymore. It just all feels so pointless, to the point of almost being insulting. I’m sitting here pondering what I want to do with my life, what kind of mark I want to make on the world, trying to understand what’s wrong with my own mind and why I am the way I am, and then I get interrupted by a sheet of paper full of algebra and am expected to solve these problems that someone else already knows the answer to. I feel like a pet being expected by his owner to do the right trick when they say the words.

I know I need to graduate. And I want to. I don’t want to drop out. I don’t want to end up with a G.E.D. I’ve heard from everyone I know that it makes your life so much harder to live with a G.E.D. Not to mention my parents wouldn’t let me drop out anyways, they would be far to disappointed in me “wasting my potential”.

I’m a sophomore right now, and this year it’s looking like I’m not gonna make it. I’ve made it up to this point with a mix of being yelled at and terrorized to the point of doing the work by my parents and being in the favor of teachers because I’m probably the most respectful student in their classes. That won’t help me anymore. I’ve become totally numb to their yelling, and none of my teachers care about me (not like I care about them, either, I’ve spent so much of the year distracting myself from my own thoughts with music that I probably couldn’t tell you all of their names). I’ve become the quiet kid that nobody would ever willingly interact with. I massively failed almost all my classes last semester, so I’m already pretty screwed. I couldn’t pass this semester if I tried because at this point, I’ve spent so much time not paying attention that all the work actually makes no sense to me. They put me in an online credit recovery program to see if it would work out for me, but it’s been two months and I haven’t even gone to the website they said it was on, let alone logged in and done anything.

I just have absolutely no motivation, it’s all ********, but necessary ********, and I just... No motivational words help. I’ve heard all the usual ****. “It’ll be better if you just get it over with now.” “It’s only for 3 more years (oh yay).” “If you don’t like school, why are you making yourself stay there longer?” None of it helps. Even when I really do want to do it, when I’m actually presented with the work, I space out.

If something doesn’t change I’m going to me a lifeless deadbeat working a dead-end job. I’ll have made my own bed, whether I wanted to or not, and I’ll have to sleep in it. It will be nobody’s fault but my own.

If I ended up like that, I don’t think I would want to continue living.

But I don’t know what to do.

[healingme4me]

The first step is that you've acknowledged that the GED path is not for you.

What's your online recovery like? I mean, is there an interactive interface with live teachers and students?

Your parents could possibly be angry because fear comes out as anger.

Have they set you up with a counselor? Is speaking with a counselor even something that would interest you?

I have a friend who told me that it's standard knowledge and proven fact that it's more to do with the developmental stage of your age, as my own son has struggled himself this year. That whole "pointless" piece of your OP speaks volumes to everything that he, himself is going through. Imagine that, you are not alone!?!

One step, at a time. Do you have hobbies that you enjoy? Do you have friends that you spend time with?

I spoke to another colleague that runs a night program and she said there is actually a waiting list. Says volumes about how not alone you are in this struggle.

[whinygenxer]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

The first step is that you've acknowledged that the GED path is not for you.

What's your online recovery like? I mean, is there an interactive interface with live teachers and students?

I still have yet to visit the online recovery website, but from what I've been told, it's essentially more of the same "read this, do this assignment" stuff, except digital. Our school couldn't afford some kind of program with live teachers or anything like that.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Your parents could possibly be angry because fear comes out as anger.

Have they set you up with a counselor? Is speaking with a counselor even something that would interest you?

My parents have basically subconsciously trained me over the years to not share my feelings, by always making it into my fault. Anytime I feel like crap, instead of actually offering me support, they explain to me how it's entirely my fault, and how I shouldn't be feeling that way, like I'm not allowed to or I'm a bad person for feeling the way I do. I can't open up to them anymore. And I sure as f*** wouldn't be able to open up to some random school counselor.

One time, after a particularly heated yelling session, my mother asked me if I thought I needed therapy, and I told her it was something worth considering, everything else they've tried has failed, so why not give it a shot? Afterwards, radio silence on that front, and for the reasons stated above I'm too anxious to approach them about it again.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I have a friend who told me that it's standard knowledge and proven fact that it's more to do with the developmental stage of your age, as my own son has struggled himself this year. That whole "pointless" piece of your OP speaks volumes to everything that he, himself is going through. Imagine that, you are not alone!?!

I don't know if it's just me, but the last line here feels kind of condescending. I am aware I'm not the only person who feels this way. I'm not that much of a self-centered, clueless teenager.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

One step, at a time. Do you have hobbies that you enjoy? Do you have friends that you spend time with?

I enjoy writing, old technology, and A/V, but lately my enthusiasm for those fields is all but dried up and I can't seem to get myself to have any passion for them anymore. I still love them. I just can't make myself be bothered to engage in them. The whole lack of motivation thing extends beyond just my schoolwork.

I have a small group of people I hang out with on a regular basis who I guess are the closest things to "friends" I have, but half of them have openly admitted to not really liking me much at all, and the other half just hardly interact with me at all anyways, at least in any meaningful way.

I have more friends on the internet than anywhere else, but we all know how suddenly they can disappear or just stop talking to you or hate you for no reason.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I spoke to another colleague that runs a night program and she said there is actually a waiting list. Says volumes about how not alone you are in this struggle.

Again, I'm aware I'm not the only person in the world. I apologize if you didn't mean to come across as condescending and I'm just a sensitive little b***h, but I've been putting up with these kinds of generalizations and assumptions about kids my whole life.