Yet Another Trialog

Haven't much time but will continue this in parts. Probably need to anyway as it's a lifetime of issues that will surface.

There is a tool from dreamwork that I find useful: trialogs. A trialog is like it sounds, a discussion with 3 parts. It is scripting out for view an inner play involving 2 parts in seeming tension and a third part, which at times could be emotional reactions, that serves to knit the other two together, or provide ideas for resolution.

Mine begins with an upsetting financial loss due to hypomania. Specifically, success-triggered mania. A unique form that I didn't know there was research and a name for until this loss.

I awoke this morning feeling good, hypersexual yet with an vague understanding that this place of loss felt too regular — like some time of state that means "this is what life is." The key emotions feel like frustration, patience, and discipline. I've done positive things from this place:

• survived my chaotic family home until I left for college
• studied all sorts of things from chess to the I Ching
• kept myself apart from others and read books
• programmed computers for fun
• decluttered my spaces
• finished my degree program

It also doesn't feel very good at the beginning, and much of the middle has no emotional heft at all. I can do tedious, plodding, "a bit each day" type of stuff from here.

And it's been about 80 - 90 percent of my whole emotional experience of my life due to set-backs, unfortunate circumstances, and other issues both within and beyond my influence.

I'll call this aspect Frurtle (short for frustrated turtle).

On the other hand, near the end, when all feels great or I'm about to finish, I over-react to nearing the end and either muff the finish or finish and then set flight into mania, and soon after this get myself shot down, let myself down, make a mistake, or elicit a biting criticism, and loopy de loop and back I tumble to "home base" - frustrated patience.

I call this aspect Icarus after the Greek god & son of Daedalus the Inventor, who flew too close to the sun with wings made of wax and feathers and crashed to his death.

Witness to this discussion, and occasional assistant, will be the Great Coach of the West, or Coach.

Gotta go, more later.