[nummy]

I'm on mood stabilizers and anti anxiety and am getting extensive help for complex PTSD, OCD, and depression. But the biggie here is paranoia...was doing well yesterday when this creepy vehicle that just always seems to be right there...and actually followed me and a coworker to my house a few months ago...pulled into a parking lot just as (another coworker) dropped me off. I had been so happy cuz it seemed things were normal again, for awhile. Little by little.

I'm fighting soooo hard to not be set off by certain people who always seem to be there (popping up on deserted corners just as I arrive, then slinking away as I pass....suddenly appearing behind me at 1:30 am, trying to engage me in conversation).

My t is struggling to get me to work on my oldest PTSD memories, esp the ones relating to being bullied, but it seems grossly unfair to pick on the memories of a bunch of little kids whose lives were probably pretty harsh. It's like I take all these meds--dangerous even--to deal with "paranoia" and sometimes the weird stuff still happens.

My only relief is knowing I needed mood stabilizers and they help, until the freaks who (in my view) who need some OCD meds of their own (seriously, don't these people have a life) show up. It's a godsend, these meds, and someday I hope to not notice these people (real or not, I feel like a page out if Scientology's Fair Game memo).

Deep inside I know I should be grateful when something sets me off, so I know what direction to go in.

Thing is, if I say anything to my t, I'll just be called "paranoid". Again. I want to be believed, but just get past it. Does that make any sense?
So I don't want to be honest with my t. Not totally anyway. Is that a mistake? Overall, I'm doing better. I'm not passing out or paralyzed by fear, just kinda fed up with both myself and these people...lol. That's IF what's happening is real. I'm just fed up cuz it's like, I just want a couple good days in a row. Yesterday? I was actually happy. Happy. First time in over a year. The meds work THAT well. But how the F do I deal with "real(ish)" fear as I recover? Emotionally, I was annoyed to see the stupid vehicle. Looked up gangstalking again (huge mistake). Made me feel nuts all over again...for a little while.

This...is...hard...

[Perna]

Originally Posted by nummy

Emotionally, I was annoyed to see the stupid vehicle. Looked up gangstalking again (huge mistake). Made me feel nuts all over again...for a little while.

I think that is your clue. We can "do" whatever we want with what we think. So, you could stay annoyed with a vehicle and/or "laugh" about it, etc. Unless you are a celebrity, how stupid would it be/is it for others to stalk you? Don't they have anything better to do with their time? You don't know them/have anything to offer them, etc. so they're wasting their lives and you don't care about that/want anything to do with that so just walk away each time. Eventually when you are happy and busy with other things, your mind won't have time to notice the other stuff, you will be keeping it too busy with the good stuff you want to concentrate on. Just practice not "following though" on the thoughts you don't like or fears, etc. Change the subject in your head. It can be a little like me, last night when I woke worrying and couldn't get back to sleep; I came downstairs and got on my computer and did an operating system update, read a magazine I had not taken time for, had a snack, etc. and when I went back to bed there were other things to think about (from reading the magazine) and I felt physically better able to sleep (wasn't hungry, didn't have to go to the bathroom, wasn't stuffed up/could breathe better, was a bit more tired).

[nummy]

Thank you, Perna. That was exactly what I needed to hear. And talking to my t helped too.
Just listening to your work list wore me out lol. But that's the kinds if stuff I need to do: read more, learn to crochet. Just...something.